Venturers Chapter 1 Scarlett

The first chapter in an epic fantasy novel I'm trying to write. What do you thnk?

Venturers

Part #1 Scarlett

               The sun is high. The sky is sea blue. The green trees blow in the wispy breeze. The land before you is at peace. But the lands in the distance beyond are not. Goblin hoards have been invading kingdoms across the world. But the kingdom we take place in has not witnessed the chaos. The stone walls stay clean. Their towers stand tall, and the peasants trade goods. Their knights still practice for battle. In the courtyard of the castle, swords are swinging. Clashing against each other with klinks, klaks, and snikts. At a glance it’s not very exciting. But inside the armors of the knights the bodies are sweating. The salt is dripping down their head like lava flowing on the side of a volcano. Their draw had been going for an hour. Both are tired and are looking forward to beating the other. And a cold drink of water. One knight is in rose red armor. Standard uniform with a helmet that covers the entire head but leaves a small opening for the eyes. The second knight has the same armor in grey. His helmet is rounder at the top and has a feather that sticks out as well. Their swords collide for the 1,567^th time. But the knights in grey’s legs have been weakening and he loses his grip and balance. He falls to his side. His opponent’s sword is at his neck. The red knight takes off her helmet to reveal an eighteen year old with long well combed black hair.

“Good practice Ted” she spoke with a good sport attitude.

“Yeah” Ted replies reluctantly. “But did you have stick the sword by my throat.”

“Sorry, victory gets me excited.” She replied.

“Well done Scarlett!” shouts a round man clapping.

“It’s thanks to you Dave. You trained me to be one heck of a knight” Scarlett was thankful for Dave. He was the commander of the king’s knights and had personally trained many.

“Yeah, great trainer” Ted muttered under his breath.

Dave started to boast. “When you first appeared on my doorstep, abandoned and in a basket everyone said put her in foster. But I said no. I saw strength in you. And strength is what you have.”

“Thanks Dave” Scarlett thanked him again. Despite his large belly, dirty beard, and less than fashionable or knight appropriate clothing, Scarlett could feel nothing but respect. She was both trained and raised as a knight by Dave. She recollected being six years old braking a chair in their house. Dave forced her to rebuild it. He provided the nails and hammers. But she had to do the hard work. She got it done too. And when she was finished rebuilding the cheap wooden furniture, Dave rewarded her with her first wooden sword. She could think nothing less of him then a father. 

Moments later with the sky still blue, both Scarlett and Ted had recovered from the practice. Dave had treated them to cold water. They were sitting on wooden benches under some trees for shade. They were still in the court yard. And it was still a lovely day. Dave sat down across from Scarlett and Ted. He made a sigh as he sat down.

“Everything okay Dave?” Scarlett asked

“I'm not as young as I once was” he confessed “did I ever tell you about the time I fought a Golem. The monster was-”

“We’ve heard it.” Ted interrupted

“But we’d love to hear it again!” Scarlett spoke happily but gave ted a scowl

Dave continued “The monster was as tall as the tree we stand under. The Golem, a being made from the earth. Crushed Five Thousand of my men! ”

“didn’t he say five hundred last time” Ted whispered.

“shoosh” scarlett replied

“the giant grabbed me. I was a wooden doll to its hand.  swung my axe directly onto its forarm. Shattering the blade. The creature threw me onto the ground. I still have the scar here!” Dave points to a red scratch on his cheek.

“wouldn’t that have broken his back.” Ted muttered.

“shoosh!” scarlett replied.

“this golem was most defintley going to destroy countless villages if I didn’t do anything. So! Using a couple of sticks, string and mud on the ground I fastened a slingshot. I picked up a rock on the ground, and I fired. And I missed. Several times. It felt like nothing was effective. Even when I did hit the giant on the head it did nothing. But I desided to try one last time. I placed a stone on the string. Pulled back as hard as I could. And let go. The stone whistled through the air, and punctured the golem’s eye. Its cry sounded like a hundred volcanic eruptions. The monster collapsed with the weight of ten elephants. And THAT is how I defeated the golem ”

“fascinating…” ted grumbled

He was interrupted by a rocketing boom. All heads turned to fiery destruction in a section of the kingdom only a few miles away.

Ted started to speak “what was-”

Another explosion is heard. This time a spire collapses in flame, chaos, and death. Everyone in the kingdom was now in panic. Regular booms started shaking the kingdom. If you weren’t standing on your feet chances are you were dead.

Scarlett put on her helmet and grabbed her sword. “What’s going on?”

“It’s those goblins that have been ravaging kingdoms.” Dave answered

“No, that can’t be, they were nowhere near us.”

“Our king did not want to alarm the people. The hoards have been getting ever closer for a while.”

The sound of horrish cackles, scoffs, and disgustful speech from goblins were creeping into the city

“I won’t let them take the kingdom.” Ted stated. He continued to run off towards the gates into the rest of the kingdom.

“No don’t” Dave tried to stop ted but could not. Dave and Scarlett did not witness the soon fate of ted. Dave spoke “these goblin hoards have demolished many kingdoms much stronger than just ours…”

“What are you saying?” replied Scarlett.

“We must flee.” Dave spoke with a decline in his usual positive comforting attitude

“Nuh, no. no. we should fight. I’m trained. We can fight this. “Scarlett protested

“If these goblins can decimate a kingdom with armies ten times the size of ours. What power do we have to prevent our decimation.” Dave reasoned. The goblins were getting deeper in the kingdom and Scarlett was both shaking and had her hand tightly wound around her swords handle.

“Fine. We’ll run. Let’s get to the stables.” Scarlett gave in into Dave’s orders. For her running felt more like surrender. But being killed by overpowering hoards would be worse. Dave and Scarlett peaked out the archway entrance to the courtyard. The screams of war and terror could be heard but the goblins where bottle necking themselves as the entered the kingdom. Scarlett and Dave quickly brisked across the great hall. Climbed up a latter against a brick wall.

“Eeeyarh!” A goblin a goblin with the dexterity if a scorpion came running with the determination of a rhino. Carrying a sword, the goblin thrusted it towards Dave. Dave catches the spear by the head. Punched the goblin between the eyes. The goblin falls off the side wall, hitting the ground with a crunch. Presumably with a broken back. Scarlett’s breathing was heavy and only through her nose. They jumped off the other side of the wall. Nocking the knee bones, but nothing they couldn’t walk off. By the time Scarlett and Dave reached the stable the sky had gone from sea blue to bright orange. The flames burning in the kingdom had turned the sky into a new color. a color that signaled defeat. Scarlett mounted her horse. She carried her sword and a small blanket wrapped and strapped to the saddle. Scarlett and Dave exchanged one last goodbye.

Dave comforted Scarlett by saying “I’ll be right behind you” he then slapped the horses behind and the stallion took off. The horse darted down every alleyway through the wreckage that was once the kingdom. Any goblin looting the area was simply passed by the horse. She wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but she wiped her tears with the mane of her horse. Once Scarlett was out of the kingdom she had escaped the goblins threat. But she had not escaped from regret. She left her only home. Her only family. Her only kingdom. For the rest of the day the only sound she heard was the k’thlop k’thlop of the horse running. She ran through the afternoon. She ran through the sunset. She ran through early night. She ran all through the moonrise. And while she was running there was perspiration, Caused by angering hatred for goblins and the lingering mourning of her home. The horse was well rested and ran for the entire night. But Scarlett drifted off when then the moon was high and the sky was a dark bluish purple with small twinkling stars. Even in her dreams she was only thinking about what she left and what she could have done.

Author's Note

give me as much constructive ctriticism as possible. Hows y writing. Do you like the characters? How's my descriptions? do you understand what's going on? Do you want to see more?

Reviews

[Celina A. Igwe]

Hi!
First let me begin by saying...great start! There are areas in the writing that can be developed but despite all that it really is a great start.

I did feel the writing was a bit rushed. There was a lot of juicy information all at once. If I understand correctly this is the beginning of an epic fantasy novel. Such genres usually range from 90,000 to 120,000 words. Giving away too much too quickly may make it difficult to continue the story beyond a few chapters. There are ways to keep it going and keep it interesting at the same time. I'd suggest prolonging some details for a later time such as Scarlett being left at the doorstep. Perhaps flush her out a bit first. Help us to get to know her more than her backstory. (That is by dialogue, situations, and relationships). That way when she does go to battle, as the reader I'll care more if she lives or dies. Same goes for the other two. Ted, I assume from the writing, was about to die but I hadn't gotten to know him so I didn't understand if it mattered or not.

I'm definitely interested to see who the story develops and turns out. Like I said it's a very good start!

[M.R Steiner]

hi there,

first off just let me say that I am also learning so take anything I say with a pinch of salt, I'm only repeating the lessons other people have imparted to me :)

your writing is clear and precise, I had no problem getting to the end of this one but I found some of the descriptions to be a little short as it drew on. I know you know how to show as your use of describing sounds within the scenes you portray makes that obvious, I feel the rest of your story will benefit with that approach.

I feel you should focus on the thoughts and feelings of your main character more as while I recognized her motivations, I wanted to know more how her interactions made her feel in the moment. (this may just be my preference though.

also when the goblins attack I feel you should stretch the scene and effects a little more as this is really your set piece moment, focus more on the battles like you did with the sparring session, after all it's the moment everything changes and your character's central motivation. As this started you showed very well for the most part but by the end it got a little telling, almost like you were too excited so just had to finish it, (I also suffer from this problem btw :) )

there are some point's where a comma may serve better than a full stop but they are few and far between so its not a massive problem but will aid the flow of your writing.

overall this is a great start, well done :)

[Elsa]

Thank you soo much for your thoughts. I updated and changed it based on what you said. (really just the last couple of paragraphs when the goblins attack) I though about what you said about focusing on her thoughts. Being this is third person and not first person I have to rely on her interactions as a way to convey her thoughts and emotions. still, having heard someone I've never met share these thoughts on my writing is a huge motivator. thank you