who is robin cheng?.. [042308]

 

Stand up straight.
Do your trick.
Turn on the stars.
Jupiter shines so bright.
When you're around.

Stand up boy.
I shine so bright when you're around.

Who’s To Say – Vanessa Carlton

 

 

            Why do I have to be reminded of you especially now? What makes this summer, or just this unlikely timing, a period to reminisce an irony that was buried a long time ago? It’s weird. It’s confusing. It’s silly. And I like it. I want this feeling to stay.

            Where did this even start? The news of having an elementary reunion sure had me excited. Maybe that triggered the memories to be more vivid that they were before. And then I had that question popped inside my head: “What is your favourite regret?” Randomness as it was at first which later got me thinking hard. Then you entered the picture. As mildly and as unnoticeable but then eventually consumed my everyday thoughts and even disturbed my dreams.

            And right at this very moment, five more minutes before the clock strikes exactly twelve midnight, I find myself crying. It’s all because I miss you so bad. It’s so hard to explain why. I know that I have been long gone from your life. Deleted. Omitted. Erased. But even so, I have never forgotten about you. From time to time, I still wish to be updated about you but I don’t know how. And it’s as if I’m still in that denial state as though that separation between us never happened two years ago. That was when you left me without even a proper goodbye.

            Watching the cartoon version of Robin Hood in Disney channel is torturing me. It reminds me of you because I used to call you that name. But I didn’t get used to it. I didn’t even find it fancy. It was just used for childish code name purposes. But you’re a thief. Do you know that? You stole my sanity. You stole my could-have-been happiness. You stole my immunity from the threat of rejection. You’re such an insensitive dimwit. And I should hate you for that.

              Have I ever crossed your mind in those 811 days that had passed by? I’d like to assume that you did. But even my faith was depleted. What’s the use of this plea anyway? You’re not going to read this. Not a chance. You’ll never know how I felt and even if you did, it would already be too late by then.

            It’s funny that we have both fallen in love with so many people in between and as it happened, the thought of each other didn’t matter. Well, I never did matter to you. That’s for certain. And in lonesome nights like this one, it’s a misery that all I could think about is you and how I lost you just like that.

            I want you to come back but it scares me because you’re not my “Robin Hood” anymore. Pity that I’m a nobody to you now. And yet I still hang on to that thin thread that used to bind us together.

            Oh who am I kidding? This is a comedy. But even Shakespeare had thought that a comedy was supposed to make him famous but it was his tragic story of Romeo and Juliet that gave him the ticket to stardom. This isn’t just a tragedy. This is real life. There was never a “you and me”. Perhaps it was only one of my demented illusions.

            You were my childhood crush but I was just some boyish little girl. You were my best friend but I was just your amusing seatmate. You were my protector but I was just the weakling who needed someone to defend her. And then I fell in love with you. I love you but you never loved me. Or maybe I convinced myself that you did. Or you tried. I’ll never really find out the truth about it. I know all of these things are true but I pretended I didn’t because I wanted to be happy. And I became happy because of you. Then you took it away. Why?

 

            Robin Vanz L. Cheng was a transferee when we were in Grade 4.

            On our second day, I approached him because Katrina wanted to know if they were really cousins. He couldn’t speak pure Aklanon back then so I had to talk to him in Tagalog.

            “Si Robin ka, di ba?” I said in a somewhat defiant tone.

            He stared at me in the most arrogant way. “Oo. Bakit?”

            I crossed my arms in front of me. “Anong middle initial mo?”

            He raised an eyebrow at me. “Bakit mo gustong malaman, ha?”

            I smirked. “Eh kung sinagot mo nalang kasi un tanong ko?”

            “Laserna.”

            I gave him a low nod. “Ah, okay. Pinsan ka nga ni Katrina.” And I pointed Katrina who was sitting not far from us. “Gusto lang niya i-confirm.”

            I did not wait for his reply and instead, I turned my back against him and walked away. I felt that he wanted to say something but I found him annoying. Curse him. That day, I promised myself that he’s someone I will never ever like.

 

But I was wrong. I didn’t only like him. I learned to love him.

Now I wish walking away from him was still the easiest thing to do just like eight years ago.