breaking the habit.. [042008]

Once you’ve lost what you once had, the fear that it might happen again isn’t actually that much of an issue to be worried about anymore. It’s because you already have an idea of what is missing and what is the difference between either having or not having. It’s the same as when you are faced with something that has happened in your life before since you already have a scheme of what you will benefit from it as well as what you will lose because of it. It’s like putting truth on the saying, ‘Once you’ve tasted manna from heaven, why bother eating bread?’

It’s such a shame how we solely depend our happiness (if for not any other reason) to another and justify it by saying that it’s what we’ve wanted all along. Or those times when we feel a need to seek revenge because we were wronged or when we beg for love because we don’t want to be alone in this world. When in fact, there are a lot of things that we could actually do on our own without any dependence on other people.

I’m not saying that we commit ourselves to stealth and disregard companionship or interdependence. They have their own use in their own time. My only concern is that we have this tendency to be too engrossed with something and then we end up fixated with it without thinking of any other alternative to have a different end result. Like when someone has done us a favor, we feel responsible to pay them back because it’s a must to do so even when they didn’t ask for it. Or when someone asks for our help, we start to think that it is an obligation to be always on call even if there is little we could do or even when we ourselves have our own cross to carry. When we are wronged by someone, we either ignore it for the sake of retaining our pedestal of good moral or we give in to our impudence and attack an eye with an eye and a tooth with a tooth.

I don’t know if you find any of these things significant as they happen in our lives from time to time, or as often as possible. We don’t usually give a damn about it but it’s consuming our thoughts and our emotions without us being conscious about it. We are imbeciles because of our own recklessness and we have slowly built a pattern of stereotyping these situations that we are faced with repeatedly.

This doesn’t have to be like this all the time. We have been used to this endless prototype that we feel almost helpless in putting an end to it. I just want a life that’s not based on other people but at the same time, not excluding others from it. I do not wish to hurt or to offend anybody. I want to stop the fighting and the bearing of grudges to those who have wounded me emotionally and who have thought lowly of me. I apologize for my own stubbornness and insensitivity. I want to forgive and forget those things which are awful and which I did not learn anything good from at all. I want to stop blaming others for my wretchedness. I want to regain broken relationships and if I can’t totally have it back the way it used to be then at least I could look back at the past without any bitterness in me. I don’t want to be needy of someone because I feel worthless or simply less of a person without that someone.

It’s not easy but it’s not impossible. It may take time, lots of time. But I am hoping that if I am able to live by these premises then it will encourage those of you who are reading this and those who have read this to follow me and give this a try. It’s okay to doubt at first but please don’t be scared to believe that it’s doable.