when will the rain stop 1..

When Will the Rain Stop?

(Konstantine’s POV) A Heart That Persuaded Love

 

“Envy and jealousy are sins. You cannot bear to see another enjoying the affection you had so ruthlessly refused.”

– Catch Me A Firefly by Freda Jayne

 

                Konstantine leaned towards the wall and was looking pensively outside the glass light-blue tinted window. The rain had been pouring down for about an entire hour already, anchored by the never-ending sound of thunder and lightning. She doesn’t know why but something inside of her seemed peculiar because of the mope surrounding the sky.

                Maybe perhaps it was also raining his hard when she had first met him. It was a tryst that had happened years ago. For the first time in her life, she knew how it felt to fall in love. But what she didn’t know was how much it could hurt you if you had fallen in love with someone not meant for you.

                She loved him – loved him more than she loved herself. But it seemed like fate was really cruel. Or was it her? What it her own wrongdoings that she had lost the man she loved? Why he had found contentment and bliss in the arms of another girl? And left her here alone in pain?

                She knew that he felt the same way towards her. His love for her was sincere. Yet, she kept pushing him away, wanting him to dismiss the possibility that they could end up together. She has her reasons. She was afraid of getting hurt. That’s why she never admitted that she was in love with him. She convinced herself that maybe it was just some immature form of love, something that could be forgotten through time. She forced herself to lock her feelings deep down inside and play the games of denying and pretending in a serenade of lies.

                God knows how horrid she felt at the depths of her being. It was the longing to have the courage to fight for her innermost desires. She didn’t even know who her adversary was. Or maybe it was her fear of that indescribable pain.

                But what is it that she is already experiencing now? A lot of people suffer but nothing that would match hers. It is a death-like anguish that was torturing her inch by inch. It is the agony of having lost someone whom she truly loved. What’s worse is that he never knew that she loved him all along.

                She didn’t expect that the promises of love were made to be broken. Or should she say, obliged to be? She was the one who forbid herself to love him even behind the fact that she had already fallen in love with him. And maybe because of her coldness towards him, he grew tired of the whole wooing for nothing and humbly accepted his fiasco.

                She feels remorse over the whole thing all right. But what more can she do now? She can’t interfere with his new life – a life not involving her in it. Rumor has it that he has found someone else. Probably the one who could repay the love that used to be for her.

                How she envied her so much. She knew that it was a sin to wish to become someone else whom she is and not rightful to be. However, she couldn’t help but wistfully think of what could have happened if she had just swallowed her pride and accepted his love. Maybe she wouldn’t be repenting and envying the girl who makes the one she loves smile.

                All of it, she knows, is her own impediment to win the battle between not wanting to get hurt and experiencing how it felt to be with that someone who makes you feel loved. If only she was brave enough to love then maybe she wouldn’t be struggling to escape the pang of her cowardice.

                Well, what can change? She chose this to happen. She was the one who ruthlessly refused the love that was supposedly for her. She has no right to be jealous of the girl who now enjoys the affection that could have been hers.

                She had never told him that she also loves him. She had all the chance but she simply let it slip away. And as absurd as it sounds, she couldn’t help but think of the many ‘what ifs’ bothering her. What if she told him she loved him? What if she was dauntless enough to show him her real feelings? What if at least she tried to counter with the will of fate?

                She can never have the answers to those pathetic questions. But she was certain of only one thing – she wouldn’t be regretting this much if only she was brave enough to be true to her emotions. There wouldn’t be any ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ if she surrendered to her desires.

                The rain would someday stop. And maybe, a stunning rainbow might suddenly appear after the downpour. But she will never be given another chance, an opportunity to have him back. She may cross paths with him again someday, in an unanticipated time and place. But what good would that be? They will never be reunited as lovers. One thing she knows, he’s already happy now. Happy with another girl, who was unlike her, not scared to fall in love.

                She is unsure when the rain of loneliness in her life will come to an end or if she’ll ever have a glimpse of that wonderful rainbow of happiness. How tragic that she has no other choice but to quench herself with a life lost of true love. Between he drizzles, she could only utter the words she never had the courage to say to him, “I love you, Adrienne.”

 

September 3, 2003