the prince of thieves.. [041508]

The title is pertaining to the name of the guy that would answer the query:

“What is my favorite regret?”

                The reason why I suddenly asked this question is to pick among my long list of regrets which one stands out. I didn’t know what mine was the first time I posted that blog. Some of the people have answered my question publicly while others opted to tell it to me personally. And I appreciate every single one of them who did so.

                I’d like to say that failing Chemistry is my favorite regret. Because of it, I finally had a failed mark in my transcript. I had my fair share of a summer class. And as a bonus, I won’t be able to have my vacation in the province. and with what has happened recently, be present in my lolo’s two-week wake.

                Broken friendships and a failed relationship are a possible candidate for the list, too. Those things had led me to contemplate the many ‘what ifs’ in my life. And it took a while before I got over it and at long last, put the past behind my back. It wasn’t an easy process wherein it took me just days or weeks, or even months. The healing took me a year or so. And maybe there are still those that even until now, keeps me in a remorseful state.

                I am also aware that I haven’t been a good member of my family since the day I was born. I have given then a lot of headaches and disappointments. And even if I am constantly trying to outweigh those downfalls, it can’t be diminished singly by every good deed I make. But family are family. They wouldn’t ask you to make up for it. They openly understand the reason for your actions and accept you wholly, without any ifs and buts.

                So what is this favorite regret all about? It’s that one thing that you feel sorry doing because of its outcome but at the same time, it’s also that one thing that you would still choose to do even if you know what effect it would make in your life. You regret in a sense that you had to lose something for that matter but even if you go on your whole life without doing it, you’ll never be at ease with yourself because at the back of your mind, that’s something you really wanted to do. A favorite regret is an action that resulted to melancholy all for the sake of your pursuit of happiness.

                It then narrowed down to an event that happened to my life almost two years and four months ago.

                I had the choice to preserve what we had during that time. More than friends but less than lovers. I could have just been contented with the set-up that we were in. It was beneficial. It was simple. It was ordinary. It was also full of false pretences. It was safe. It was hanging. I didn’t want that. And so I followed my call.

                I did what I knew would make me happy even at the expense of sacrificing everything that we had back then. I had the feeling that it was going to be a struggle, that my chances of failing were high. But I didn’t listen to what logic was telling me. I was young and invincible and all I was subjected to doing was to follow my heart. So I did just that. And for the first time in my life, I cried because I loved and I lost someone.

                December 30, 2006. It was around seven in the evening. I locked myself inside my room with the lights turned off. My first tears all in the name of love. Mushy and dramatic, I know. He never knew about it. I didn’t tell him, of course. But I would have if given the chance except that since that very day, we stopped talking to each other in the same way. He stopped talking to me on January 12 2007, to be exact.

                Ditch his reason that he wanted to save the friendship. It was ruined the moment he had shut me out of his life. I still tried to fix things between us even if it was the dumbest thing to do. Maybe because he really mattered that much to me. A childhood ‘bestfriend’ and a loyal kabarkada. He was different. He was, for all he knew, special.

                But that’s history now. There’s nothing I can do to bring that day back. I regret what I did because I miss him, the friendship, and the happiness that is exclusive only from him. I have been used to life without him already. After all, I was able to live without him almost four years after our elementary graduation. It doesn’t make that much difference then and now.

                Although I do admit that once in a while, I can’t help but think about him. The first guy I cried for. Funny now it seems that I have cried for a lot of people after him. But he will always be an exemption. I have fallen for someone harder than I have fallen for him. I have loved my one and only ex more than I [theoretically] loved him. But there’s something in him and the way I felt that makes him really different.

                That’s my favorite regret – him. And if I had another shot, I would still do what I did and love regretting it over and over again.