Takumi's Relapse

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I'm not really sure if I should be doing this. The truth is, I'm still confused. I've been in love, at least that's what I think I've felt before.

 

I've seen a few faces, each beautiful in their own way. I've been with those faces and each time, I felt happy. But there's just something about Akane, something that makes me feel human each time we talk.

 

She's not unlike any other. I mean, she's a girl after all. She has the same wants, needs, tendencies. She twirls her hair, most of the time she doesn't even notice it. She likes talking. No, reword that, she likes sharing her stories. Every time I listen to her, it's like I'm touching her soul. I've never felt like this before. I've never been human. Sure, I've been a kid and it's that innocence that made me so gullible to fool myself into believing I've loved all those girls before. But isn't love something felt when you identify with another person?

 

I see her like the beauty that she is. I hear her soul, I feel her. To me, she's worth more than anything else. I'm not saying that just because I want to get in her pants. No. The fact is, I would stay with her even if she was a man. Okay, now that's scaring me. But it's also true. I don't see Akane as a brunette with almond eyes, a cute smile and a decent figure. I see her as a soul, the same as mine.

 

I don't know. Maybe I'm just losing it. Getting slapped by Hazel, her telling me that I'm just wasting my time with this stupid gig as a failed novelist... That was disheartening. For all the years that we were together, I thought she shared my dream... Like she was supporting me. But after she went back to Britain, where her dad stayed, she instantly fell in love with another guy. So much for a fairytale ending. I blame utilitarianism.

 

But, no, I shouldn't be mad about it. I'm not the type to hold a grudge, not the bitter ex from hell. Love is never concrete, after all. It's an idea, words we say to express our emotions. Yeah, OUR emotions. I never did hear her say those same words. Maybe I was just fooling myself. We acted like a real couple but there was never anything there, was there? Now I'm asking you... I'm really losing it.

 

Ciel: I don't know... You're making me cry.

Takumi: Wow. Thanks. You're really helpful, aren't you?

Ciel: I'm sorry, Tak, but you know me... I've never fallen in love before...

Takumi: No, I should be the one to apologize. I'm throwing my emo-ness at you. You're better off laughing with those other cosplayers...

Ciel: LAWL. I CAN HAZ CHEEZEBURGER NAO? 8D

 

Ciel was no help at all. But maybe it was insane to ask a 14 year old cosplayer for advice on love problems. It didn't help that she's as oblivious as Akane...

 

Gah! What the hell? I'm still mulling over her... This is just insane... Listening to Vulnerable by Secondhand Serenade... Damn Hana and her emo playlist.

 

Truth be told, it's easy being emo. You just go and wear a black shirt with tattered pants and unwashed hair. It helps if you have a scar on your face. Oh wait... That's for being a pirate.

 

You know what's worse? Being a pragmatist in an emo's shoes. It's hell, I tell you. You know where this will lead, you understand the steps, the shortcuts and the variations of doom and you still feel like crap. Fortunately, Mark doesn't know I'm in this frame of mind yet.

 

Bring!

 

Mark: Hey, answer me, you moron! I know you're there! I can hear you breathing!

Takumi: Alright, alright. I'm here... What do you want?

Mark: Ha! You emotional retard! What's Cielo talking about?

Takumi: What do you mean?

Mark: Tak, you know me… I know you! Now cut the crap and answer this question: Let's go get some hookers.

Takumi: WTF? That's not even a question!

Mark: Oh good. You're still thinking straight. So who's this Akane anyway?

Takumi: ...

Mark: ...

Takumi: ...

Mark: Okay then. Glad we had this talk. Good night! Weird is good!

 

I didn't have a good night. I stayed up until 2 am, looking at the ceiling, thinking of what to do. Should I go for Akane? Should I leave her and just vanish, for the sake of that other guy? Those where the only options. Unless the other guy can look past beyond my feelings for her and resume our friendship like nothing's happened... Yeah... That's not gonna happen.

 

The next day, I was still frowning, cursing the heavens in futility, as I made my way down the kitchen to get something to eat. I was too absorbed in my thoughts last night that I forgot to eat dinner. Okay, I didn't forget. Rather I opted to not have dinner. Emo-ness does that to you. It's not even a word and it's splitting my brain to two.

 

Jen, my sister, had already gone off to school. She's a good kid. It was the first time she saw me that sad so she gave me a hug and my time alone. I swear, I'm lucky to have her as my sister. And she leaves me breakfast too, seeing as I fail with cooking decent meals. Bacon and eggs, the plate's mocking me.

 

Dragging my half conscious carcass through a bath, a change of clothes and a weird hygiene routine, I was ready to face the inevitable. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. Wait, I do know what to do. I'm not just sure if I can do it. I could lose her... Am I ready to lose her, to lose my muse? Gah! Why can't I just love her for the sake of love? Why can't I just be happy... with her?

 

I arrived a little early... Okay, maybe I was too early... Like an hour early. But it didn't change the fact that I was on the brink of hopelessness. Akane should arrive any minute. This was probably going to be the last time I see her sweet face, her effervescent smile, her gentle soul...

 

They say, if there's a will, there's a way. If you want it, you would fight for it. You'd bleed, you'd die, you'd embarrass yourself for that someone, if she's that special to you. Guess what? You're reading it wrong. I'm not surrendering Akane for Real Life Son Goku. I'm fighting my selfishness for her. I could go on and on about how wrong I am for her but it would take us days just to get to the end and even if we do get to the end, we'd forget where we were and why we're here.

 

I love her so much that I would hurt myself to have her happy. That's what love is. It's never about winning the other person's heart. It's about seeing her heart win.

 

The summer breeze was freshening. I could hear her footsteps, smell her captivating fragrance, as she walked near.

 

Akane: Boo! Takumi-kun, I missed you!

Takumi: I missed you too, Akane-chan.

Akane: Sorry about being late. I know how you always end up being early but I couldn't hitch a ride. And my alarm clock wasn't as reliable as I thought.

Takumi: It's okay. I forgive you.

Akane: Yay! I had a blast with Sora and Kirin yesterday. I told you we were going to an event, right?

Takumi: Yes, you did. And I would have gone too if I wasn't so busy.

Akane: Boo! You don't have time for me anymore...

Takumi: Akane... I have to tell you something... But before I do, can I have a hug?

Akane: Hai! What's wrong desu?

Takumi: I...

 

The summer breeze was freshening. He could hear her footsteps, smell her captivating fragrance, as she walked far.

 

He was born to tell you he loves you.

And isn't that a song already?

And it's true he can't go on without you.

Your smile makes him see clearer.

If you could only see in the mirror what he sees...

 

Author's Note

Author�s Note: Seriously, this fic is a (gah! Redundant!) work of pure fiction. Don�t take this seriously. Wait� That�s a paradox� Bah.

In any case, I wasn�t able to go online last night, crazy tsinitos, and have my mind twisted by� uhh� never mind� This is actually compensation for� something. I forget.

This is a one shot fic. I won�t be doing any updates. Sorry if there are a lot of errors, typographical or grammatical, I was typing this as I went.

Sorry if I butchered the Takumi character, Ito. I was having too much fun with him. Like what Itoshiki said, the author�s current state of mind influences his work. :o3

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the writing, the style and the text, as well as the supporting characters in Ciel/Cielo, Hazel, Jen and Mark.

The characters Takumi and Akane are owned by Itoshiki. Vulnerable by Secondhand is an existing trademark. I CAN HAZ CHEESEBURGER NAO is a catchphrase popularized by www.icanhascheeseburger.com.

For more on Akane, please refer to Itoshiki�s The Life of a Hikkikomori.

Special thanks to Mark Santiago, that weird Chinese schoolmate of mine, even though he won�t be able to see this. Oh wait� He has my Writerscafe account� Oh damn. I just ruined the professional disclaimer� Gah� Oh well� It�s not like I�ll get stabbed with a spork if I don�t comply anyways� I don�t even see any rules regarding fics� Imma shut up now. Weird is good� :o3