Respite, and The Beginning of the End

How terribly clichéd would it have been if that was the end of our story? Two friends, guy falls for girl, asks girl out, girl doesn't accept - such a classic tale, isn't it? If that was it, then this narration of mine would be similar to countless other silent screams of heart-broken guys raising their eyebrows and quoting the popular sarcastic internet meme, "Cool story, bro."

 

However, that wasn't it, was it? No, you just couldn't let it be...couldn't let ME be. Despite having you back as a friend, I was nursing a wounded self, the shrapnel of your "deeds" still embedded in my mind. As for our relationship, the fractures were quite evident. It was obvious that for me, being "just friends" with someone I was head over heels in love with was like daggers stabbing into my back, acid corroding away my very skin.

 

As for your dilemma, it was understandable. It tends to get uncomfortable being in the company of someone who had expressed feelings for you that you simply can't reciprocate. But for you, it was more than that, wasn't it? As friends, I was the one you always turned to when in need. I was the rock that you could lean whenever your knees were too weak to support your own weight. I was the shade you sought protection under, the last isle of trust you never thought would sink. And without any prior warning, someone you considered to be "a brother" (your words, not mine) was suddenly shoved into a completely different light of blinding intensity. It changed everything for you. There was no way you could see me the same way again, no matter how hard you pushed yourself to.

 

There are some things you've said to me, words that has remained, till now, etched into my deepest subconscious. Forgetting them is a wild fantasy even I can't delude myself into living in, so I've learnt to live with them instead. One of the sweeter ones was the following, which I quote: "I'm sorry, but I've never seen you as more than a friend, and I don't think I ever will." Notice how I said this was one for the sweeter ones? Yeah, that wasn't sarcasm. But an explanation for that, which I find unnecessary, will come later just for the sake of confirming your beliefs. Anyway, considering what happened next, have you even begun to comprehend the sheer irony of what you had said? I would be quite surprised if you haven’t already cringed at the hilarity of the situation.

 

Let’s have a flashback, shall we?

 

Fast forward two weeks, you opted to continue your usual “You’re a stranger to me” attitude, and I honestly stopped blaming you for it. If anything, I continued to pile up blame on myself, regretting ever having expressed my worthless emotions to you. And worthless they were; why could I not have kept them to myself for the sake of our friendship, like so many people do? On what grounds did I have to scurry off and blow the trumpet? Whatever the reasons might have been, I suffered in silence as you strutted around with your nose in the air. Pretending I didn’t exist must’ve been so easy for you. Who was I, after all? Just another fellow that fell into the trap of a female friend turning into an unattainable love interest �" that was who I was. And I deserved everything you threw at me, or so I thought. “Threw” is a wrong word, though; slow injection of took with my chin tucked into my chest and head bowed down, as if it was possible to deflect anything you do. But I didn’t have to suffer for too long. Or rather, the suffering took a new form. Something changed in you, and it altered the course of our “friendship” permanently, beyond any repairable damage.

As it goes without saying in every case, I remember how it was. It was after one our regular classes, one after which lay abandoned our long-standing tradition of walks. I had grown accustomed to going home after classes without so much as a look from you cherish throughout the night, so I silently packed my things and walked to the exit. I was out the door and almost at the end of the corridor when an achingly familiar voice called out to me �" yours.

 

“Hey, wait.”

 

I could hardly believe my ears. Could it be? Had you finally come around to talking to me? I knew I wasn’t dreaming the moment I turned around on my heels and saw you strolling up to me, gazing at a spot on my left shoulder as you firmly stated, “Let’s go for a walk.”

 

At this point, I’m afraid that my memory is failing me a tiny bit �" what had happened in the minutes following that? Don’t worry, I remember the pinnacle of the walk; just the preceding details are somewhat fuzzy. I vaguely remember staring quite intently at the texture of my shoelaces as I fell into step next to you (somehow, the aglets appeared to be far more fascinating than usual). Then there was a period where I chased my best friend around the entire block because he wanted to leave the both of us alone, despite my insistence that he remained. Okay, the second part may have been very stupid of me, but I can’t be COMPLETELY blamed for it, can I? After what you had put me through for the past weeks, it wasn’t out of the ordinary to feel positively apprehensive in your lone presence.

 

I was seething when the aforementioned friend of mine outran me and I was left with you. However, all my fury dispelled when you caught up to me as I swiveled in every direction in search of my friend. My breath snagged in my throat as I looked at your panting figure standing right in front of me �" not just a glimpse, as I was managing to take for some time in the past, but rather a full-blown stare. At that moment, I was struck with the amazing wonder that was you, drinking in everything that had made me fall so hard and so fast for you. After what had seemed decades later, I could finally appreciate you in all your attractiveness. Even the wisp of hair that had come undone from your high ponytail, the one you impatiently and unsuccessfully struggled to tuck behind your ear, mesmerized me to the extent that for a moment, the universe around me ceased to be. Only you existed, and I was someone who looked on from the distance, valuing what I could obviously never have.

 

“Are you listening? I asked you something.”

 

It was your voice that finally lifted me out of the trance I was drowning in. There was little I could do to hide my dazed exterior. “Er…what?” I queried nervously.

 

“I asked you if you could walk me home.” There was a hint of impatience in your voice that made me hate myself more than you. Yet again, my mind was clogged, almost as if sticky muck was griming up the axles and gears inside. Nevertheless, I must have acquiesced, because you nodded a second later and said, “Okay, let’s go, then.”

 

Silence reigned supreme as we started the seemingly long walk to her home. There was nothing I could muster up to say, not even a simple “How are you?” Every time I managed to build up the courage to look up from the violently interesting bitumen on the roads, I fell back to fervently admiring every feature of yours I could relish, be it the sunlight shimmering off your curly locks, your springy footsteps or your absent humming of Linkin Park’s Crawling. After a particularly long stretch of time when the only noise was the bottom of our shoes scraping the pavement, you decided to break the silence.

 

“You shouldn’t be angry at him, you know,” you said quite conversationally. It took me a moment to realize that you were talking about my friend, the one who had left us in each other’s company. “He wouldn’t have left you alone at the state you’re in, but I had made the very specific request.” Registering the blank look on my face, she added, “I asked him to leave us alone.”

 

The state I’m in?! I wanted to scream out. You’re the one who’s sent me down the vortex, lady, I thought. What right do you have to talk about my state? But she had said something far more pressing. “Wait, you asked him to… But why?”

 

“There was something I needed to talk to you about.” Your voice was quite level, quite in contrast to what was raging and storming through me. “There is something we should talk about.”

 

It did not take much for your words to instigate my heart into racing faster than a racehorse galloping its way through the moors. What is she going to say?! My over-active imagination did me no favors, either. “We can’t be friends anymore, so this is goodbye,” she’ll say. “I’m afraid I can’t tolerate you anymore, so I’m moving town. In fact, I don’t want to breathe the air you’re breathing, so I’ve had Papa arrange an industrial scale factory that houses a hundred trees to produce oxygen only for my private consumption.” Nevertheless, I managed, somehow, to keep a straight face and, albeit looking straight down at my feet, and muttered, “Okay.”

 

You sighed and glanced at a distance; we were almost at your place. The walking continued, your pace a firm stride while mine remained a shuffling gait. Just when we approached the metal-wrought entrance gate of your apartment, you finally decided to speak put and put me out of my misery.

 

“I know you’re interested in me, so I want to give this relationship with you a try.”

 

The words were stark and stated as one would dictate designs to one’s personal tailor. Even so, it had the effect on me of lighting a thousand paper candles at once �" bringing me in the vicinity glowing, no, blinding light. My mind was in a state of utter chaos, unable to make sense of anything. Absolutely nothing mattered anymore, except you and the words you uttered. So heavy were those utterances that it almost felt as if they weighed down on me, pulling me into the ground and burying me under layers conjured of disbelief, hope and, oddly enough, fear.

 

One of the things I’ll remain grateful to you for is the fact that at that moment, you did not expect me to say a word in reply to your blunt confession. You gave my shoulder a soft squeeze, whispered goodbye and tore off for your house, and I stood at the gate for a long, long time, an amalgamation of strange feelings coursing through me.

Author's Note

Writing after a long time, so I do hope you will hope the mistakes.
Constructive criticism welcome.
Happy reading!