Little Sister

Bryce is in for a suprise

 

Little Sister

Lyndsey Hylton- 6- 14-2010

 

 

It was like every Sunday. We went to the office to clean then we went out for pizza, but this Sunday changed my life forever.

 

          I was coming to the office after baseball practice and was getting out of my car when I saw my sister in the upper window smiling down at me. I waved at her, but in a second she was gone. I thought that since it was dark it, was only the way the light had hit the window. I walked through the door and yelled for my mom.

"Mom! Mom!" She walked out of John’s room, but didn’t look at me. It was probably because she was vacuuming. All I had to do was walk up to her and yell again.

"MOM!!!" She finally looked up and jumped back a little.

 

"Oh, sorry. Didn’t hear or see you come in." She smiled, but it wasn’t big. "How was practice?"

 

"It was good. I think I twisted my ankle," She looked up at me with worried eyes, because I made my foot the size of a watermelon before,"But I’m joking." I gave her a big warm smile, but she didn’t smile back. She only pointed upstairs.

        I started walking upstairs with only a big trash bag and some air freshener. I figured smy sister had already dusted and only waited for me to get all the trash so she could fill them in. I was getting upstairs and realized, it was quiet. All I could hear was the vacuum. I figured she was going to jump out at any second and try to scare me. I only started to take the trash bags out.

I still couldn’t hear anything. I was starting to get worried, but then again her sinuses were getting out of wack, so maybe she stayed home. But then the door leading outside opened.

"Brr!! It’s freezing!" She was rubbing her arms and shaking, but all with a smile. I only laughed because she always looked funny when her cheeks and nose were red. It looked odd against her pale skin. She only walked away and took the trash bags.

"So why are you so late?" She looked at me with the smile fading, as if the red cheeks meant anger.

 

"I just got back from baseball."

 

"Oh that’s right." Just then my stomach made a huge growl. She didn’t seem to notice.

 

"I’m so hungry." I started whining.

 

"What?" She said, not even looking up. 

 

"I said I was hungry." I didn’t even look at her because I knew what she’d say next.

 

"Well why didn’t you eat?" Exactly what I thought she’d say.

 

"Because I didn’t have time to eat after practice." My stomach gave out another big growl.

 

"Well why didn’t you eat before?" I was starting to get annoyed with all the questions she brought up, because it always made a new one.

 

"Because we don’t have time before practice." She stayed silent for a few seconds, then broke the silence. "Well that’s dumb. You should always eat before and after practice, because if you haven’t ate for a while you could pass out."

 

I was suddenly interested in that.

 

"No you can’t." I said, almost as if wanting to start a fight.

 

"Oh yes you can. If you haven’t ate within two hours and then start exercising for another two or three, you could eventually pass out. Sometimes people go into comas." I stared at her with amazement. Then that dropped. She was always reading and hearing weird articles and other things, but always got something out of it. "You should talk to the couch about that, you know." She suddenly looked at me with a smile and I noticed she looked paler. I wanted to tell her to sit down or call for mom, but she wouldn’t hear me and my sister wouldn’t care. I just kept emptying the trash cans and she followed behind filling them.

            I was done, but she held back. She always typed up on the computer whenever she got a new idea for, well, anything.

I walked downstairs and jumped the last two. I wanted to tell Mom the new thing I learned from my sister.

"Hey Mom!" I yelled still needing to get her attention over the vacuum. She finally looked up and it looked as if tears were in her eyes. She turned off the vacuum and waited for me to talk. "Guess what I just learned." Acting as if her nose was about to run, she sucked it back up and said," What?"

I told her exactly what Sis had told me and when I stopped it was as if she was about to break in tears. "What’s wrong?"

 

"What you just said makes me think I should tell you now." I was puzzled, but sat down with her on the stairs. "Tell me what?"

She was trying to hold back more tears, and finally got it out.

"Your sister was at track practice and she got there late and had to change quickly, so she didn’t have time to eat. She got out on the field. The coach said she got stuck with the hot spot, where the sun always shone the brightest," I was listening to every word she was saying, trying to figure out what would come next," He said they had to run an hour straight because they hadn’t listened during warm-ups. They said she got slower and slower within every track and that,"

trying to hold back more tears, "She just fell."

            She was pouring out tears now. Sending a river to fall down the steps.

 

"What happened? What happened to her?" Almost barely able to talk she got it out.

 

"They took her to the hospital, where she lay for two hours, before she ran out of breath. The doctor said it was probably because she had almost starved and wasn’t able to work out, or run, but did any way." She was sending rivers down the stairs by the seconds.

 

"So what are you saying Mom?" I started to cry myself, because I knew what was coming up.

 

"She died."

We stood silent, holding each other for almost thirty minutes when I remembered,

"But that can’t be true. I just saw her almost an hour ago!"

 

"Oh son, please don’t even talk about it. You couldn’t have. She’s gone, her body is still at the hospital."

 

"But that can’t be true! I saw her! She was the one who told me what I told you before." She stood there, here eyes looking from side to side.

 

"Maybe she was helping you."

 

"Helping me with what?"

 

"You’re her big brother. She surely doesn’t want anything to happen to you. She was giving you final advice." I stood there puzzled at what she said. Her words running in and out of my mind. "Could that be true? Was it really her ghost?" It had to have been her, her real self, but then why wasn’t she here now. I had to accept that it was her being the wise sister.

*                                   *                                *                         *

A week later we held a service for her. All her friends, family, even people I didn’t recognize came. They were all in tears, but I had the most.

            After the service was over I didn’t leave. I still couldn’t believe that she was gone after she seemed so real at the office. I touched her coffin, feeling the coldness that will carry in my heart forever. "I will keep my promise. I will trust your advice always and never forget a thing, I promise." I walked away with tears running down my face. I turned and was shocked, frozen.

        Standing behind her stone was my sister. She was wearing the dress she was going to be buried in, it was a little sun dress, almost old fashioned with flowers all over it, and had her hair exactly like I saw it in her last bed, curled.

         She held out her hand with out saying a word. I walked over, like my legs were controlling every bit of my body and I held out my hand. She smiled and turned hers over. In it was a locket. She put it in my hand and moved closer. She went past my face and kissed me on the cheek. She then whispered into my ear, "I promise." But the words were like the wind. Shifting past like the leaves in a tree. I didn't even notice she was gone. 

          I looked down at the locket. On the front was the picture of a lily, her favorite flower. And inside it had the words, "I Promise" then a picture of me and her on the inside.

 

        Since that day I’ve kept my promise.

 

 

Reviews

[Emily Quinn]

You have a really good idea here but it is drowned out by the amaturity in the writing (you'll get better with the more stories you write, trust me, I scrapped a handful of stories from when I was younger) this definitely needs a good edit and revision, you should try adding more decriptions; instead of telling us whats happening, let us imagine it, see it in our minds, live it as if we are there in the moment through words that flow together smoother. It just seems really peicey when you're reading it which distracts the reader from the amazing story line hidden beneath it.

I couldn't help but find myself changing some sentences around, adding in a few things and editing punctuation as I read, which definitely keeps me from getting involed with the story and beleiving in it. I won't begin to write a few edits (spelling, grammar etc) in this review but if you want some suggestions then feel free to message me, you have a great idea here, you just need to let it shine but if you are completely happy with this then great! That's all that matters :) But just so you know, I'm here if you do decide you want to edit (if you feel you want to) theres a lot of emotion under the surface of this story but its just not given a chance to come out and impact the readers like it has the potential to do so!
keep writing and take care! :)

[Misty_Prophet]

I don't like the opening, personally I would just delete everything before "MOM!". Idea of the story is amazing. Just the right amount of descriptions, so I can imagine it, without being bored. There is a lot of potential in you, so keep on writing.

[Star Wolf]

Very tragic and emotional. Perhaps the mom just couldn't deal with what happened so she just went on doing her normal activities until she was forced to finally face it. To me that makes sense.

[Taylor H.]

I 100% agree with Emily. The dialogue wasn't right and also why would the Mom be cleaning and being normally and not tell her for almost an hour...my mom would have told me right away. Maybe they should walk home from practice and then she could come home to her mother crying about the sister dying. Just a thought. My brother wrote a story just like this once. Good luck!

[Cassiopia Summers]

I agree with emily, but even the idea of this piece brought tears to my eyes, I hope you keep up the good work.

[A.Lee]

Wow, I wasn't expecting that ending. Very creative story. You're doing an excellent job.

[Manda.Ree]

I get it then I don't.