Prologue-(READ BEFORE CHAPTERS!!!)

          Prologue

 

I was four years old. I couldn't believe it had just happened like that. Someone could just sneak up and kill someone.

My father has been weeping all night. He wouldn't speak to anyone. He only ordered the guards to search the forrest. He said, "Search all night for this traitor! They sha'll pay for what they have done!" I had tears welling up in my eyes and I couldn't help it. I ran over to him and jumped into his lap. I wrapped my arms around his thick neck and wept in his shoulder. He stroked my hair and tried to sing a lullaby. I couldn't understand what he was saying over his tears. He brought me off his neck and whispered, "I thank the Gods that they did not take you, my child. I am sure your mother is in Elysium. I am sure of it. She did a great deed in this country. Do not weep, for they left me with the most precious thing in my life." He managed a smile and I went back to crying in his shoulder.

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I fell asleep in his lap, but awoke with a yawn. A soldier came pounding through the door. He ran up to my father, who hadn't even winced since last night, and knelt with a piece of ribbon held out.

"Your majesty. I have found this in the woods. Perhaps an oracle can get an essence off of it and find the killer, for it may have belonged to them." He turned his head up.

"My soldier rise." He fell to the ground and took the cloth. He had more tears in his eyes. "My soldier, an oracle cannot get an essence off of this, for it was the queen's, my wife's." He fell to the ground crying again. I ran over to him and told the soldier we need peace. He left and shut the door silently. I hugged him again and helped him into his chair. A chief soldier stepped into the room.

"Sir we may need to talk." He looked serious, so he couldn't refuse. As I got up to leave he handed the ribbon to me, "Take this to my room. Put it inside my chest. Whatever you do, don't lose it." He looked at me with more tears. I nodded and ran out of the room.

Before I could go anywhere, I went to our place, my mother's and I. It was in a clearing in the woods. It had the most sunlight, so we kept a garden there. When I reached it the flowers were tilted and loosing leaves. They knew my mother was gone. I fell to the ground, crying. "Why must you leave, why!" I looked at the ribbon, because I put it on the earthen floor and made sure it didn't blow away. It was purple, and had fine silk. It had a pair of initials in it, ANF. I knew that stood for Athene Nacia Facis. It was, truly, my mother's. I wept into it and started my way back. On my way I knew what I had to do. I had to find her killer. 

Author's Note

i may have misspelled somethings and this goes before the chapters!!!!!!!

Reviews

[.quan.011.]

Nice prologue can't wait to read more

[aaaa]

:O can't wait to read more

[Manda]

AWWWW.... Omg I almost had to stop reading, this is so sad. I really got hooked after the first few lines. The ending was really good too! It really makes me want to read on. I didnt find any grammar mistakes as I read, but then again I could have missed it on accident! This was awesome! For someone that is only 12 this is F**** awesome! WOOO!!!!!!!

[Aggie Skeleton]

nice, love the play on Greek myths.

[chaffy123]

i like this.

[Estelynn]

First thing that sticks out to me is that you've switched tenses. "I couldn't believe it had just happened like that someone could just sneak up and kill someone. My father has been weeping all night." If you're writing in past-tense, "has been" should be "had been." Also, this second sentence could use some work. "I couldn't believe it had happened like that" makes sense, but the second half of the sentence doesn't work. "I couldn't believe that someone could just sneak up and kill someone like that." may be a better way to say what you seem to mean.

Another thing I noticed is that you don't have separate paragraphs for different speakers. When the King speaks after the soldier (who, btw, you seem to have called a "shoulder" instead of a "soldier" at the beginning of the paragraph), you should have a new paragraph:

"I fell asleep in his lap, but awoke with a yawn. A shoulder [soldier] came pounding through the door. He ran up to my father, who hadn't even winced since last night [suggested: "the night before"], and knelt with a piece of ribbon held out. "Your majesty, I have found this in the woods. Perhaps an oracle can get an essence off of it and find the killer, for it may have belonged to them."

He [suggested: "My father"] turned his head up. "My soldier, rise." "

Each speaker gets his/her own paragraph. This prologue could probably be divided into more paragraphs, also, besides just speaker paras.

Sorry this is a half-arsed critique, but my attention span is squashed & I don't honestly have time to read your whole story right now. Bookmarking and hopefully will come back to finish, though. The search for the mother's killer plot is definitely a good one.

Keep writing,
Estelynn