the meeting

I heard my phone vibrating. I looked at it and saw it was my friend, Alice. I opened it and it said, "Tonight a little ghost girl named Anna will come to your room and kill you! She is looking for her killer and she wants this text to somehow get to him. But if you do send this to ten people she will come as an angel and grant you a wish. so send to ten people!" My mom had always said," Don't believe. Some guy just made that up to scare people." So like always I ignored it. Later that night I was getting ready for bed when I heard some rustling noises outside. I went to look out my window when I swore to have seen a shadow. But it was only trees and leaves blowing in the wind. I took a deep breath and went inside my bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready for bed. My room was a pale purple with a bunch of old paintings of things I did when I was little. I had a desk in the corner of my room. It was a darker shade of purpler and looked as if termites had attacked it. It had pictures of me and my dad on it. He had just died fighting overseas. My mom always said,"Don't be sad he died, but be happy he did it while he fighting for us and our country." That's why we had to move to this neighborhood. My dad had grown up here. My mom thought it would help me get closer to him since he was fighting for like two years adn only came home for some holidays. I was tucking myself in because my mom was watching old home movies and didn't want to become part of the sob festival. It was only 8:30, but i didn't know what else to do. I couldn't get my laptop, it was charging. My mom had unpacked one TV and she watching the movies on it. I was puting the blanket over my head because, I guess the air conditioner wasn't working so, my room was freezing.  I was just closing when I felt someone watching me. I didn't wake up I just kept my eyes shut. My room was getting colder, or that's  what it felt like. I decided to open my eyes and ask my mom for another blanket. I was getting up when something pulled me back down. They must have wanted something because they pulled me by my hair. I flung back and tried to make them let go. I was able to get free and I heard them come for me again. I ran for my lightswitch and when I turned it on I couldn't believe what I saw. It was a girl, about my height, but she was covered in dirt and had bruises and scratches all over her. Her hair was a blonde, but I could barely tell because of all the stains of blood?! I couldn't believe it, it was the ghost girl!? I ran for my door, but she had closed it, probably with some power she had. I tried and yanked at the door nob,but it wouldn't budge. I turned to her and said, "I'm so sorry that you were murdered." she just gazed at me." I can help you, not because I don't really want to die, but because it's sad to see a young person die. Please I can help you. Since i'm alive i'm able to go to places and call police and do living things. I'll even be your friend." She just stood there. Her hair over her face with a knife in her hand. I couldn't believe she would kill someone just for not sending a message. She turned to me and whispered words. "Can you speak up. Please."

"I was never able to see my murderer, but he wore this cologne. It smelled like my step fathers, bit I don't know why my step father would kill me. We had a good relationship. He and my mom sometimes didn't get along, but i'm pretty sure he didn't to it."

I looked at her in amazment. "I will do everything in my power to find your killer.

"Will you really be my friend? I kind of lost all of mine." she said with a smile.She had a pretty smile,but the dirt all over her kind of ruined it. "Of course I will." I didn'y have many friends myself. We were always moving around. I never knew when we would really move,so I tried to avoid making friends. I said,"Can you do some human things,like take showers?"

"I've never really tried. I think I can if I just focus."

"Well how bout you stay here with me and that way we'll be able to do the research and stuff."

"Really you would do that for me?"

"Only if you try to take a shower."

We both laughed and showed her how to use the shower.

Reviews

[Voice11]

A very good plot and most of your descriptions are okay but the typos and diction o this story make it very very hard to read and be interesting. do some editing, is my advice.

[Havatara]

I liked that you opened the story with her reading a text. It's very original. I noticed that you said that her desk was "a darker shade of purpler" instead of "a darker shade of purple." Another type I saw was you said "adn" instead of "and," and soon after you didn't capitalize an I. There were a couple of other minor errors, but they weren't that bad, like forgetting a space or to capitalize every once in a while. Just read through this again quick and you'll find them. I liked the way you started this story and I can't wait to read the rest of it.

This was a little confusing, and a little hard to read. Maybe get some paragraphs in there and it will help a lot.
Good luck
:)

[A.Lee]

This is good so far :) The only thing I would suggest is the same as the others, try separating it into paragraphs. It makes it much easier on the reader and easier to understand. Other than that, good so far!

[Nayan]

Haha :) Loved ur write little LynLee :)

I still can feel the smile on my face when I think of a ghost taking a shower :)

Will read on .... Good write :)

[Mauricio Montoya]

It needs a little fine tuning, keep it up.

[James Watts]

This was a bit confusing. Break it up into paragraphs to make this piece clear. Now on dialogue, when a character speaks, you will also have to start new paragraphs for each person that has a line, to separate the speakers.

Also, avoid this: blood?! I couldn't believe it, it was the ghost girl!? (multiple quotations are not needed. It is either a question mark or and exclamation, but never both and never more than one of the same.)

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

Interesting I will continue to read this. I thought it was a great start. Can't wait to read more. Thanks for sharing. :)

[Dutch Jr.]

Nice write, but space your paragraphs out, please. It makes the text much more inviting.