When We Merged

April 2016

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
― Gautama Buddha

Sitting on the bed across from her, I reached out and touched her cheek. "I love you, so so much." In that moment I meant it. But I didn't really mean it. Society has all these rules and structures on how love is supposed to be. Our culture treats love almost entirely in connection with interpersonal relationships and interactions. I loved her like society wanted me to love her. With my emotions, based on our external gratifications. Having that love for her - and in turn having it reflected back at me.

After my awakening - This didn't FEEL right to me anymore.
It wasn't enough. How could it be when when it wasn't grounded in feeling love from the inside? That's why I kept needing more. I loved her with my emotions and wanted her to love me back. Needed her to love me back. This needing, is eventually what broke me. (In a good way).

I wanted love without actually ever knowing what love was. I was stuck. In the swinging of my emotions- through love. The passion and euphoria of me loving another person - sharing my experiences and interactions with them. That's what I thought love was. This was my emotional love. I would ride the wave of loving someone so hard,  and then I would  crash back down so hard it left me disabled and distraught.

 Since waking up I've developed an extraordinary close bond with my Divine Master, she is truly my destined teacher and I have been so blessed to learn from her. I began thinking of this bond and how thankful I was that she was there for me, to help me and guide me. I told myself that I loved her, like a mother or a trusted friend. The feeling hit me hard and I realized I never really felt the love of a Mother or a Father. I never really felt the love from another intimate partner or a best friend.

I was just telling myself - that the feeling I was having was love.
This is what my mind wanted me to believe.

I was not waiting for love! It was waiting for me!
 I realized I wasn't just wondering through life looking for love...Love has been waiting for me to open myself to it!

 Love already existed within myself.

I didn't have to look. I didn't have to search. I didn't have to feel. All I had to do was open myself up to receiving love.

Just open, and then receive. Just open, and then receive.
- Barbara De Angelis

Sitting on the bed with her, saying those words, something inside of me shifted.
My Soul Shifted.

The dawning came over me so hard I thought my chest might burst. An ethereal circle of an orange shadow opened itself across my chest and light just started to pour OUT. I didn't know what I was expecting, maybe that I was going to be filled up with love and light? But that wasn't the case. This was my OWN LOVE. Pouring out of me in rivulets of gushing orange energy. Every single cell in my body was vibrating and resonating on a different frequency then before.

The self love and acceptance that rushed over me was Mind blowing.
Life Altering.
Metamorphic.
Transformative.

I felt the love inside of myself for the first time ever. I LOVED MYSELF.
My truest, purest and most highest self loved me! My soul, my mind, and my body all merged together. I felt the arms of my soul shoot out and wrap around me. A vice hug full of self worth and acceptance. It's so hard to explain because my body was spiritually ascending to a world where there were no words.

 I was tied up within myself. Lost in the beauty of just being me.
 I didn't need to ANYTHING to earn this. It had always been there.
It simply was.

I had stepped over this threshold. The first of many thresholds.
Everything I was seeking was ALREADY known.

Now it's just a matter of remembering.