We Open At The Close

Uploaded from personal diary - Entry 209
Original Date : August 2015

*****DISCLAIMER: I want to make it known that even though I used yoga, meditation, crystal healing etc as tools to enlighten myself. They are just that. TOOLS. These are not solutions to your problems and they will not make everything magically better. True transformation starts from inside yourself.*****

The Beginning  Existentialism At Its Finest

 Over the last few months I’ve done some extensive research on the universe, cosmos, extraterrestrial life and all things metaphysical. Until recently these topics were slightly forbidden for me to look into. I was raised as a strict Mormon, and then basically coerced into a christian lifestyle by a now ex boyfriend. It was only over the last 4 years that I’ve left the church and sought my own wisdom. Those topics didn’t really shock me at first. Of course the earth is this small floating dust bubble in a vast space vacuum. But I always knew that to some degree.

 It was only when I started to put things in a certain perspective, thinking how small my own world was - in this huge vast universe which could be layered in multi-universes…other dimensions…other entities…and the space between spaces etc.

Man I just really lost it. I felt like MY WHOLE PERCEIVED WORLD fell out from underneath me and I was just falling through my own conscious thought. I couldn’t make sense of what I deemed as “real” and my mind went into over drive. I felt sick to my stomach constantly and was always looking over my shoulder. Watching and waiting for an opportunity to jump up and say “Ha! LOOK! I knew it! We are all living in a sim!” Every government conspiracy, alien hypothesis, and every single skeptic universe podcast you can think of. I was in on it.

This was my only coping mechanism to get through the day. I had anxiety and panic attacks regularly and nightmares plagued my very existence. It was horrible. I would get lost in my own head and be gone for hours, only to snap back into what I was being told was “truth”. This went on for several months until a friend of mine, randomly (bless her soul) sent me a message one day saying this,

“No matter how small our world is, remember that it’s big and beautiful to US. We are all a part of something bigger- and we’re in it together.”

Then the most amazing thing happened. I realized that I was looking at this all wrong. I was too scared, too frazzled and astonished to really take in what I discovered. All I was seeing was the negative. I was letting it consume me into it’s dark depths of uncertainty and unforeseeable negativism. That all stopped almost instantaneous, after I read, reread and processed her message.

 For the first time in months, I was starting to breathe in and out again. With each new breath my reality shifted into what I could only sum up to be an ‘awakening’. I could function again. But on an entirely different level than before. I started to find myself drawn to certain subjects and activities that had never held any interest to me before. Yoga, meditation and deep thoughtless contemplation began to come naturally to me. Doors upon doors closed all throughout my awareness, but several upon several more opened. All these different parts of me, started closing down. I started to see my own ego in action and it was incredible.
I realized that I was separate FROM my MIND.

I had become self-aware in a way that I never had before, never even tried to BE before. The more my mind tried to rationalize it, the further I floated from conscious thought. I didn’t need to THINK anymore- because I realized I already KNEW.

Some part of me, that I now know as my soul/highest self, had woken up!

It said, “I’m awake and I’m here to help!”
I opened - At the close.

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A huge, huge thank you to my partner who helped and supported me through all of this. I reached out to SO MANY PEOPLE when this first started happening to me, and they either never replied or just flat out didn't understand. I had several people who actually shared their own crisis with me- but the end result was the same. They just said, "Hey, yea that crazy crap happened to me too, but I couldn't let myself dwell on it and moved on!!" That wasn't enough for me. I didn't want to just "get over it" or "ignore it, and push it aside". I need a solution. I needed an end result.

Aside from my one friend who sent me that text, I honestly felt like no one cared about me and what I was going through. But how could they? It takes a lot of courage to lift a veil this big, and several people just weren't ready. In the end, it was the FACT that so many people were willing to keep their distance through this hard time in my life, that propelled me forward to fight this thing.

So thank you.

To those who helped - and especially those who didn't.

Reviews

[Moomin]

I enjoyed reading your work. You have obviously done much soul-searching (pardon the pun). It is good that you have found some peace from your contemplations. Some people wander through life without asking questions.

As I read your words, they drew me to a conclusion that you probably didn't intend, that the real meaning, the real secret isn't existentialism or philosophy but, rather it is simply - Love. To be able to love one's self and to share love with others and with the giver of life. And in discerning that, you echo the book which you fled from because of the failings of churches that do not represent God. That book says "God is Love."

Nice work.

A word of caution - all forms of "Meditation" have a price. My own deceased sister encountered great disturbance from such things.

I wish you peace.

Moomin