Prologue

 

Michelle covered both her ears and closed her eyes shut. She didn't want to hear the terrible screams downstairs. She felt Kayla's tiny little hand tugging her wrist.

"No, I'm not going anywhere." Michelle whimpered. She squeezed her eyes harder. It felt as though her eyelids are about to rip apart. She didn't care. She just wanted them to stop.

"If we don't move soon, they're gonna kill us next." Kayla whispered harshly. Michelle shrugged. "Let them. I don't care." Michelle heard Kayla let out a low growl. "Come on!" Kayla yanked Michelle's wrist and Michelle was suddenly was up on her weary legs. With another tug she was running behind Kayla. Michelle always thought that Kayla was stronger than she. 

Kayla dragged her to one of the servant's quarters. "Are they still here?" Michelle whispered. A little spark of hope ignited within her. Kayla opened a closet door and shoved Michelle into the closet. "They're all dead. Just like mum and dad." Kayla stated harshly. She went in the closet and slowly locked the door. Michelle went into a fetal position and hugged herself tightly.

Michelle remembered that she would play carelessly throughout the servant's quarters. She would learn how to cook the finest meals and how to put out the flames from the large ancient fireplace without burning herself. Her mother would scold her but she didn't care. When the family had their dinner, Kayla would look down upon Michelle and say, "You're from a family with prestige and power. There are people out there who would die to be in your place. So stop acting like a squirrel knuckle." Father would give Kayla a deadly glare but he wouldn't say anything. She was telling the truth.

“Do you think that they would find us here?” Michelle whispered to her twin sister. Kayla shook her head and replied, “It’s impossible.” It sounded like she was being brave but her voice was quivering with fear. A loud bump occurred in the bedroom and a low growl resonated into the darkness. Michelle held herself tighter and watched Kayla who was silently looking around.

“Mummy and daddy are dead because of us! Why does God have to put this bloody curse upon us?!” Michelle said loudly, shaking her little fist in the air. “Shhhhhh!” said Kayla. “What are you looking for!?” Michelle whispered frantically. Her rampant heart was beating against her chest. “Stop freaking out…they can hear you. We can escape in a small vent. You go in first and I’ll follow.” Kayla instructed. Michelle gazed at her sisters face. It was like looking at a reflection of herself. She always admired the fact that they were twins. She watched as tears rolled down Kayla's round face. Michelle was not far behind. "We should go." Kayla said.

Kayla removed the cover from the vent and turned to Michelle realizing that her sister didn’t move an inch. “What now?!” She said angrily. “They’re here…” Michelle whispered. Kayla was getting worried. “Get in.” She said. Footsteps echoed near the girls. Both girls were frozen in place. The footsteps carried on to a distance and the girls relaxed. Kayla let out a low breath. There was a low grunt and the footsteps were heading towards them. “Oh no! They’ve found us! I’m only eleven, I don’t wanna die!” Michelle anxiously said.“They heard us, get in now!” Kayla said. "But it's dark in there..." Michelle whined. Kayla rolled her eyes and shoved Michelle in the vent. The closet door suddenly opened and Michelle choked on her tears in fear.

 Kayla turned to her sister. “Shelly, I want you to run far away from here and live for me, okay. Stop crying and be brave for once…please.” She said sternly. Michelle’s eyes widened as she realized what her sister was talking about. “No.” She said. But it was too late.

A bloodcurdling scream escaped from Kayla’s mouth as she was dragged out of the closet. Michelle screamed out her sister’s name and quickly cupped her mouth. She was frozen in fear as she watched from the vents as large shadows rip her sister’s throat open. Tears rolled down Michelle’s cheeks as she watched Kayla’s blood pool around her. The shadows later ransacked the place and found no trace of Michelle. They slowly retreated and eventually Michelle was left alone.

For several minutes, Michelle cried. She cried for her sister, she cried for her parents and she cried because she was now alone. She sobered up and slowly crawled out of the vent and out of the closet. She found her sister’s body mangled on the ground. She bravely dipped her fingers into her sister’s blood and slowly licked it off her fingers. Michelle savored the dull metallic taste as she licked the remnants from her lips. She then squatted near Kayla’s body and caressed her face. “I will live for you sis…”

 

 

Reviews

[Syldor]

A very intense start. You certainly caught my interest. I hope you continue this.

[Anne Martin]

I think you've undercooked this a little. Firstly, it's normal to separate who is speaking with paragraph breaks. I helps us keep track of who's who. Secondly, you have a lot of action here and little backstory. Granted, you can provide the latter in subsequent chapters, but it seems a little barren to me. This prologue could be five times as long without adding more action, just by being clearer with what is there.

Technically speaking, you have some tense issues, even the first sentence. Try to be more direct, and perhaps less flowery:

“Can they find us here?” Michelle whispered to her twin sister.

Kayla shook her head and replied, “Impossible.” She feigned bravery, but her voice quivered with fear.

A thud resonated in the darkness followed by a low eerie growl. It had followed them to the bedroom. Instinctively, Michelle curled up into a ball, watching Kayla peer through the slats in the closet door.

I've taken out some of your unnecessary adjectives and adverbs, while delineating the action between the characters better. Try not to pepper your writing with modifiers. Instead, it is better to use more vivid verbs and nouns. I took out the English accent because it interrupted the action. You can mention it later, if you want, but you might be better served by telling us later that they were English, or even better, by using a typical English phrasing. "Keep your bloody mouth shut!" My version also placed them in the closet, but that is because you don't identify clearly where there were. When the door opens, are they leaving it or going in? Try to choreograph it more clearly. Deconstruct your narrative into actions to see if it is clear, reorganize it if necessary, and then put it back together.

Your second paragraph has a lot of dialog, considering the two girls are terrified and hiding from a predator, and then your third paragraph has virtually none at all. That is a sign that the third paragraph "tells" too much. Draw it out and show us her fear, and ultimately her determination to live for her sister. At some point you will need to tell us why it is important, and why she tasted her sister's blood.

The story itself has some promise, but some clarification and tightening up of the prose could propel your reader into the novel.

[Silera Martin]

omg that sounded really amazing. :D im now fully interested in the upcoming chapters. lol but I thought the vamprye could smell fear? how come they didnt find the girl in the vent? jus curious. lol