Betrayal

what they dont know cant hurt them... can it?

Im afraid of what will happen

after you come home

im not sure if I can handle

next time we are alone

I know that we werent sober

but it wasnt just the drinks

I know the way you look at me

I know the way you think

Im not sure who started it

which one of us gave first

Just your mouth entwined with mine

I thought my heart would burst

No time to feel guilty

enveloped in our sin

indulging something we both wanted

your fingers on my skin

But you know Im good at lying

we can always play pretend

act like nothing ever happened

we were never more then friends

and it would be so easy

if we could be together

but thats just a silly wish

I'll be wishing on forever...

Author's Note

if you took the time to read it, please take just a few seconds more to review it. thank you!

Reviews

[Wynter Ignatius]

This is an interesting piece as my mind went to someone very close to my heart and soul - my kindred, my best friend yet she has her own life and I have mine. Should we get into close proximity with one another, all bets might be off, hence why it has not happened yet. Not that we lack control so much as we connect like no others; I've even been told I understand her and can calm her better than her boyfriend so there is that issue to keep me at a distance.

Wonderful piece that triggered an emotional and thought provoking response by me - be proud of this one.

[child of God]

I love this write the way you formed your stanzas makes it flow so well it gives a rhythm to it this reminds me of an awkward moment with my friend at a party we went to thank you for sharing this write I enjoyed this read

[Scorpio]

Enjoyed this, I get the impression that the inspiration for this poem stems from personal experience as it feels very raw.

Only minor changes needed to improve the flow of the poem as it is in my opinion. In the third stanza I would change 'just your mouth' to 'when your mouth' because I think that it reads better and makes more sense lyrically.

Also although the final stanza is memorable, I would consider doing something different with the final line 'I'll be wishing on forever'. This line doesn't read well for me as part of the final stanza. To combat this, maybe think about re-phrasing it, for example you could change the 'be' to 'keep'. Or, to heighten its impact, you could isolate the final line at the conclusion of the poem.

Aside from these very minor issues a nice piece, keep writing!

[Scorpio]

I would also like more clarification on why the poem is titled 'Betrayal'. Maybe I am missing something here because I have read the poem quickly but I'm not feeling any sense of hurt or betrayal in this piece, there's no anger or frustration expressed here.

It seems to me that the poem is more about friends who have made a mistake in taking their relationship to another level. Perhaps attempt to inject more of a sense of anger here or think about changing the title?

Forgive me if I'm misreading the poem or perhaps being a little harsh in my criticism here, I feel as though the poem could really benefit from a couple of minor changes but, then again, the most important opinion on this poem is yours and the other reviews here seem to have thoroughly enjoyed it!!

[IvorySunshine]

My, my, I do relate to this one. Good flow, and rhyme. Well written, great job.

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

Damn this piece is a bloody brilliant poem. Love the emotion feel to it, very very nicely penned.

Kaze~ :-)

[just Penny]

You tell a good story here in smooth, thoughtful rhyme. I like the opening stanza and how it captures the awkward situation I think many can relate to at some time in their lives. Nicely done :) Penny

[MickeyGani]

This poem speaks me. Words are so simplified, yet it sounds so amazing...

[Sam]

A smooth flowing read. It was so natural I didn't even realise it had rhymed.

[n14n74]

beautifully written!!!u used simple words only.but it is still amazing

[Tai Ryens]

Vague implications up until the last few stanzas and I must say: what you've intended is much more different than what I perceived in my thoughts, as I've grown in a different environment and make assumptions based on so. This separate mindset has seemed to contribute to the piece in its entirety, surprising me with the mention of seduction and the hush-hush longings of a scorned heart wanting he who has scorned you . . . Well expressed!