please If you took the time to read it, please take like 4 more seconds and review it. its very helpful to me. thank you!!! (and yes, I used got instead of have on purpose, so please no grammar nazis)
My Review
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Hey Kayleen, I liked this, I think it's really good but as a musician It feels more like a blues song with its repetitive meter feel to it. As a poem I would take out the first stanza. As a song it would usually go by letters in the way it's setup. (aaba) type of thing.
If you number each stanza--1 2 3 4 5 6 and take out the first stanza you could form it as 2 4 3 6 3. In any case, you did a reall good job on this.
"I got a scar that I'm proud of
I got a scar i can show off to my friends
I got a scar that I'm proud of
I got a scar in the shape of something beautiful
I got a scar that I made all by myself"
It just didn't work for me, didn't rhyme, didn't flow... but aside from that it was lovely.
Beautiful, love the transgression through each piece of sin, each insignificance that you create to form so much more, beautiful first stanza, carving upon delicate flesh a story for all to see, no matter whether you hold it in scar or in ink everyone will see the autobiography, unable to shy away from what is in front of them, wonderful constant rhythm that brings through the last stanza in a shocking clarity.
This flows wonderfully and it's such a sad story, but I can connect to it. I feel like the repetition added a bit of playfulness and I liked it. Great write. Good job. :)
Kayleen.
22.
California.
I Like Old School Punk Rock, Electro nonsense, and Katy Perry. The Mighty f*****g Boosh. Everything else amazing overseas we dont have here. I make movies, bad decisions.. more..