Stand-up routine 2.0

my rough start to my first stand-up routine. when (if) i actually perform it, is going to rely heavily on timing and miming, so it might not read as that funny but PLEASE give me your opinion on it anyways. thank you

 hey!.... so your probably thinking whos kid wandered up here, right? well no. despite being the size of your average 11 year old. im actually 12. except for you sir, im whatever age you want me to be.

so right, before i actually start, i just want you to know im not that funny. now, you might be thinking "oh yeah cute haha shes playing all humble" ahaha yeah, no. im not. round about half way through this, you might start eyeing your cutlery, going "now maybe i can throw this at her and that might shut her up, or i can probably just jab this through my eardrum and be done with it" yeah. before you have to make that decision i want you to know that im trained in the ancient art of "dodging s**t thats getting thrown towards my face". so you know, fork to the eardrum... itll save you alot of pain.so anyway,  i was having a dream the other night  in bed. like you do. and i thought, what if dreams were real? not like the What if dreams really did come true? disney princess with a lollipop type thing but like what if you went into an alternate reality and you actually did have a gym teacher made of jam and peanuts? trippy right? i know i know, i just blew your mind. i can tell by your lack of reaction. so i got my water up here. im sure youve noticed comics always come out with water (or cognac, but my fake ID isnt done yet, so). but comedians really should have their own brand of water. just call it funny water. it wont make you tell better jokes, but youll sure get a laugh out of how much we're charging! get it? cuz its comics. and they're f*****g broke. but you know, standing and talking at the same time is a real workout. i need some fluids to keep me sharp, keep me going. you got the lips having to form words, the heart pumping, the occasional shuffle to the left. it takes a real athlete to be up here. this is actually slotted to be the next olympic sport, right next to curling.  hold on, let me just take a sip here, you know gotta stay hydrated.that last joke was a f*****g doozy. i'll be feeling that for weeks. wooh.   so yeah... its really hard to be a girl in stand -up. i realized this in the whole 10 seconds ive been doing it. but you know what, its true because to be a funny girl you either A have to make jokes about your period and why you just cant understand your boyfriends hygiene or B be so incredibly disgusting that you just shock a laugh out of everyone. luckily for you guys in the audience, im not going to do a tangent of jokes about that time of the month and why billy is on the verge of breaking up with me but im also not loaded with my canon of dick jokes, because, well, my mama raised me right. kinda..sorta...? no not really, but thats another story. and, AND ive found a third option. yes thats right the elsusive option C! it was out prancing about in a forest and i snuck up behind it real quite like...shhh.... and i got out my dick joke canon..you know the one i left at home today..and i shot it down and wrestled it to the ground and when it was gasping out its last little alphabetical breath it whispered to me. it said" f**k you, you f*****g shot me!" but then. then!  it handed me a scroll and on this ancient scroll was all the wisdom of Option C. fingers trembling i unwrapped that scroll. and i read the words which i live by. tears in my eyes i read "if you suck bad enough, they'll talk about you anyway!" so thats what im doing. thank you youve been lovely, the rest of you, not so much.

 

Author's Note

PLEASE give me an opinion this. i really need as many reviews on this as i can get before i actually go out an perform any part of it and please be specific in your review. thank you!!

Reviews

[Tim H]

It's funny, I think it will do well. The quick pace of the read may not match the actual delivery. This doesn't seem to make sense ...quite like...shhh.... and i got out my dick joke canon..you know the one i left at home today....you shot it with dick jokes? I like the dreams are real segment and you may want to expand on that, (you know with falling, naked in public, or dick canon misfires). Brake a leg.

[Emily B]

it's funny, I could hear the pacing

[M. Amphet Salt]

The slight changes have made this better. The format is easier to read. What is your true take on this?

[Closed Account]

this is really funny. i agree with Michael, it was as if i watched as you performed it. Great job! =)

[Jemma]

Didn't I already review this? Or are you just going to send me countless requests without even a word? O.o

[Michael X]

thats really funny kayleen hahaha, who would've thought, I could feel it all
as if i watched you perform, brilliantly done.