Stand-up routine 2.0

my rough start to my first stand-up routine. when (if) i actually perform it, is going to rely heavily on timing and miming, so it might not read as that funny but PLEASE give me your opinion on it anyways. thank you

 hey!.... so your probably thinking whos kid wandered up here, right? well no. despite being the size of your average 11 year old. im actually 12. except for you sir, im whatever age you want me to be.

so right, before i actually start, i just want you to know im not that funny. now, you might be thinking "oh yeah cute haha shes playing all humble" ahaha yeah, no. im not. round about half way through this, you might start eyeing your cutlery, going "now maybe i can throw this at her and that might shut her up, or i can probably just jab this through my eardrum and be done with it" yeah. before you have to make that decision i want you to know that im trained in the ancient art of "dodging s**t thats getting thrown towards my face". so you know, fork to the eardrum... itll save you alot of pain.so anyway,  i was having a dream the other night  in bed. like you do. and i thought, what if dreams were real? not like the What if dreams really did come true? disney princess with a lollipop type thing but like what if you went into an alternate reality and you actually did have a gym teacher made of jam and peanuts? trippy right? i know i know, i just blew your mind. i can tell by your lack of reaction. so i got my water up here. im sure youve noticed comics always come out with water (or cognac, but my fake ID isnt done yet, so). but comedians really should have their own brand of water. just call it funny water. it wont make you tell better jokes, but youll sure get a laugh out of how much we're charging! get it? cuz its comics. and they're f*****g broke. but you know, standing and talking at the same time is a real workout. i need some fluids to keep me sharp, keep me going. you got the lips having to form words, the heart pumping, the occasional shuffle to the left. it takes a real athlete to be up here. this is actually slotted to be the next olympic sport, right next to curling.  hold on, let me just take a sip here, you know gotta stay hydrated.that last joke was a f*****g doozy. i'll be feeling that for weeks. wooh.   so yeah... its really hard to be a girl in stand -up. i realized this in the whole 10 seconds ive been doing it. but you know what, its true because to be a funny girl you either A have to make jokes about your period and why you just cant understand your boyfriends hygiene or B be so incredibly disgusting that you just shock a laugh out of everyone. luckily for you guys in the audience, im not going to do a tangent of jokes about that time of the month and why billy is on the verge of breaking up with me but im also not loaded with my canon of dick jokes, because, well, my mama raised me right. kinda..sorta...? no not really, but thats another story. and, AND ive found a third option. yes thats right the elsusive option C! it was out prancing about in a forest and i snuck up behind it real quite like...shhh.... and i got out my dick joke canon..you know the one i left at home today..and i shot it down and wrestled it to the ground and when it was gasping out its last little alphabetical breath it whispered to me. it said" f**k you, you f*****g shot me!" but then. then!  it handed me a scroll and on this ancient scroll was all the wisdom of Option C. fingers trembling i unwrapped that scroll. and i read the words which i live by. tears in my eyes i read "if you suck bad enough, they'll talk about you anyway!" so thats what im doing. thank you youve been lovely, the rest of you, not so much.

 

Author's Note

PLEASE give me an opinion this. i really need as many reviews on this as i can get before i actually go out an perform any part of it and please be specific in your review. thank you!!

Reviews

[Tim H]

It's funny, I think it will do well. The quick pace of the read may not match the actual delivery. This doesn't seem to make sense ...quite like...shhh.... and i got out my dick joke canon..you know the one i left at home today....you shot it with dick jokes? I like the dreams are real segment and you may want to expand on that, (you know with falling, naked in public, or dick canon misfires). Brake a leg.

[JRB]

its so so to me but thats me

[Nicole (Carpe Diem)]

i thought overall it was funny - but i didnt get the dick joke cannon thing - is there a sentence missing or something...

[emmajoy]

Great idea.. slightly mis-shaped by lack of paras i think. Yes, its quick fire comic timing .. but i had to go back now and again, not wanting to miss the delivery of this or that comment, joke, happening ..

if you're as young as you say, you've a real talent not just for funny ha ha, but sharp wit ..

look forward to reading more of your writing and, soon..

[R J Askew]

sorry to take a while re-reading ... yep I like the joke at the end ... you had me wanting to know what option c was, what was on the scroll. There's no fat on this ... I think there cld be a whole show on the Olympic Stand Up events ... you cld have sprints/marathons ... and imagine the drug testing regime ... you wld fail those who were clean ... also you cld take the piss endlessly out of world humour as I am sure evrey nation laughs at something different. Have you actually, ya know, grabbed the mic yet?

[Dennis Shanaberg]

I love comedy... And you captured a unique version of it, which these days is a rarity. Comedy has become an unfortunate canon of sex jokes and coarse language, but you have actually created a nice and humorous bit of wordplay here (somewhat reminiscent of Demetri Martin mixed with Abott and Castello).
I love the intro...It's uncomfortable and thus hilarious. I'd try to work the girl into it a little more throughout the monologue.
I mean, a lot of the humor is kind of dry though, so you're performance is going to be vital.
I'd try to throw in a few more somewhat stupid humor parts (a la the dick joke) as 90% of your audience will have intolerably low IQs. (Not saying the joke was stupid, but it would appeal to a somewhat simpler minded audience)
Also, I know comedy is a lot about the execution. Harder syllables are funnier. That's why comedians always say the f-word. It's always funny.
And the only other suggestion I have is to maybe make you wrestling your dick jokes into a most ornate double entendre that would take the audience a moment to get.
Regardless, of any of my suggestions, this is excellent. And as for what I said, take it or leave it. I don't know what I'm talking about.

[anirudh]

hahahahh.....i really liked it very much!!! its was very funny and laughing

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

You are one funny gal... loved the part about the water especially, LOL

[Eagle Cruagh]

Well, here is the specific part.
I had no idea, no thought of reading this stuff,
I looked at it and it was you, so I figured you were
practicing and I was passing by when the word girl
caught my eye.
What could I lose, I read that paragraph , then the
next and the next and you know how that goes .
I read the whole dog gone skit.

Now there is only one explanation for my reading all
that stuff. You hooked me ! You laid a reader trap
and it worked. Next time I will know better, but for now
I just met a precocious young thing who outsmarted me.

She gets----- 100 % for her trouble.

You did it , wizzard !

------ Eagle Cruagh

[Sumit Kumar Gupta]

It was crazy! I liked it. U should carry it forward. Yeah great, hilarious....punches were at perfect place in a perfect moments.Some of the lines were very fresh.There is a very thin line of difference between a showman and a show off.I think u r going with the former!Best of luck if u r carrying this piece forward!In summary I found it so interesting that I am going to use some of yours comic lines on ma next date!

[Bhavya Kaushik]

Lolz... :D
That was really funny :-)
I'm sure it will do well like this way only!