Stand-up routine

i want to go to an open mic night and try out stand up. im 18 and have never done it before but this is what i have written. im planning on just goofing around for a little while and improvising, but this is what i have basically. the last part is going t

hey!.... so your probably thinking whos kid wandered up here, right? well no. despite being the size of your average 11 year old. im actually 12. except for you sir, im whatever age you want me to be. yeah... anyway. i was having a dream the other night in bed. like you do. and i thought, what if dreams were real? not like the What if dreams really did come true? disney princess with a lollipop type thing, but like what if you went into an alternate reality and you actually did have a gym teacher made of jam and peanuts? trippy right? i know i know, i just blew your mind. i can tell by your lack of reaction you realize im totally right. so yeah... its really hard to be a girl in stand -up. i realized this in the last five seconds... but you know what, its true because to be a funny girl you either A have to make jokes about your period and why you or B be so incredibly disgusting that you just shock a laugh out of everyone. luckily for you guys in the audience, im not going to do a tangent of jokes about that time of the month and why billy is on the verge of breaking up with me but im also not loaded with my canon of dick jokes, because well, my mama raised me right. kinda..sorta...? no not really, but thats another story. and, AND ive found a third option. yes thats right the elsusive option C! it was out prancing about in a forest and i snuck up behind it real quite like...shhh.... and i got out my dick joke canon..you know the one i left at home today..and i shot it down and wrestled it to the ground and when it was gasping out its last little alphabetical breath it whispered to me. it said" f*** you, you f***ing shot me!" but then. then! it handed me a scroll and on this ancient scroll was all the wisdom of Option C. fingers trembling i unwrapped that scroll. and i read the words which i live by. tears in my eyes i read "if you suck bad enough, they will talk about you anyway" thank you youve been lovely, the rest of you not so much.

Author's Note

i know its not fabulous, and its really hard to tell how its going to be by just reading it, but is it ok? do you have any suggestions? is this long enough for a first little open mic thing??

Reviews

[Adrian K. Smith]

Have you read it aloud in front of a mirror, watching your timing - seeing if you kind of nervously rush through things? It has that rushed nervousness to it, that could cause one to stumble through it. I have to agree on the age thing, people will laugh at a lot of things - think of the days when we laughed at all those dead baby jokes (hrmm, before your time - but still). Yet when it comes to something that might make a reference to pedophilia, well - yeah, we all tend to get our panties bunched up, grab the nearest blunt object, and want to beat the living crap out of the person...take a moment to catch our breath...then force feed them the crap we just beat out of them. Do you spend time watching any of those shows like Last Comic Standing or even some of the amateur things on Comedy Central? Have you even gone to that open mic night thing to watch other people for any period of time. I've never been good with humor personally, not having much luck with delivering the punch line on time, so I generally just go by the laughs I get off my looks. I do have to say, it does come off a bit too apologetic - which could set up a frame of reference that will cloud what you are trying to do. Hey, if anything, make them apologize for not laughing, break out the tears, tell them they do not know how hard it is, swoon, reach for your water, knock it over, pick somebody in the audience, ask them if they do not think you are funny, plead, and when they say you are - tell them thank you and you will meet them at their place later, then turn to the rest of the crowd and say, "Now don't you wish you had laughed too." No, no, of course - do not do that, if you did not know by now - I'm not quite sane, but then again am I?

[JRB]

this was not my kind of thought, yet its yours, so enjoy it

[Gabi Celaya]

Definitely agree with the guy who said to make her older, right now it's a little be creepy and I had that nagging at the back of my head throughout the whole thing.

[R J Askew]

There's a lot of it about these days ... open mic sessions all over the place ... 'First Thursday of the month' ... Bloody, bloody, bloody, BLOODY tough to pull if off ... I' just a modern kind o'guy, sort of brain dead with work ... so it takes a nuclear explosion of wit to catcch my ear ... I want someone who is so utterly stupid, almost autistic in their inanity that they baffle me into submission and nervous titters ... or I need somone so vicious he (and it mostly will be a he) outdoes the most extreme American shock jock ... There is some guy on Brit TV Ali The Iranian Terrorist ... totally bonkers! Then there is that Iraqi heavy metal band that kept trying to play despite everyone trying to kill them ... now THAT is comedy! Also I think there has to be a hate figure that can be ridiculed to death. An act slagging off Tweet wld catch my ear. I mean Tweet????? What the hell is the point of tweet? And Google ... there must be entire acts that can be made up taking the **** out of Google's efforts to rule the world. And gangs ... I wld LOVE to watch an act taking the **** out of those tossers who big it up with silver machine guns. And tattoos ... there has to be an act about naff tattoos. I wld laugh at any of those things. Cos like all people, I harbour cultural sterotypes and prejudices. So any humour that panders to my dubious opinions will get me hittling the LAUGH? I CLD HAVE DIED buzzer. Another tactic might be to be so bad, deliberately, that it's funny. I think i cld manage that without trying too hard. GOOD LUCK! what the hell, grab the mic and DO IT!

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

I love comedians, they are a great break from reality and i myself once worked up an act but never went through with it... I found your humor quite witty and fun.

[deeps]

This is so wonderful and so cute loved it
Well written

[M. Amphet Salt]

In it's cultural context, it's hilarious. I would make the age of the girl older unless you're going for shock. I don't think twelve year olds have much wisdom, well they didn't when I was that age, so, maybe times have changed. It works, if that's what you are asking. You're the 18th piece of work I've read today. I edit for a living, so...I am out of that kind of advice for today, though, I feel like I could diffinately give you some pointers.

[Jemma]

Lol well this made me laugh. I could just see you up on that stage. Flirty and suductive yet fun and young. Awsome write. Sorry i got no advice for you cause its not really my thing. But I do like it :D