Scars and Stripes

bang.

Barely twenty years old
standing in the cold
waiting for the fight
waiting for that night
gonna make your papa proud
when the bombs are going down
look at all your friends running in
heads full of adrenilin
government Ritalin
Boy, you gotta win
gonna be the best
but look now
five rounds in your chest
you're dying for the cause
you're a hero now
but you forgot the fatal clause
barely twenty years old
lying in the cold
waiting for the end
with wounds that never mend

Author's Note

if you took the time to read this please be kind enough to leave a review of your impression of the piece. thank you!

Reviews

[Mila]

This was a very real and powerful piece that moved me well more than some of my most favorite pieces of poetry have. It concise, the message was clear and the story was told through your depth of thought and expression. I'm normally extremely constructive in my reviews, but this was beyond anything I have read on here and I have nothing more to say other than VERY well done!

[Bluefire]

I hate the ending. =c
Very sad.
Well done though. ^^

[RAOrourke]

Wow, very powerful and moving piece. The pacing was spot on and carried me as the reader easily through your poem

[Emily]

I like how you started it! Keep it up!

[Ashira Macy]

Very powerful words here to convey a very important message. Glory is something that many of us dream of, but so many die for their countries as such a young age. Not worth it, at least not in my opinion. Of course, if we could get rid of war all together then it would end the supply and demand aspect of the military.

heads full of adrenilin
government Ritalin

Very clever rhyme here, I really enjoyed reading this.

[Delmar Cooper]

This is a cleverly written poem. It is a statement of fact and not a rant. A reviewer could quibble about this word usage ot that word usage, but that would be an arguable point. As written it seems fine to me.

[C. Rose]

Congratulations!
This piece made it to the top 9 out of 226 submissions.
As your reward, I am sending out RRs on your behalf.
I encourage you to submit this piece to the Promote Me! group's library where the winning pieces of previous contests reside. http://www.writerscafe.org/groups/Promote-Me%21/11216/

Below is the link to vote for Promote Me! III. Voting closes August 15th, 2014.
http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Promote-Me%21-III-%28Poetry%29/50213/

[Frontier]

Interesting flow, I wouldn't add or take out anything. The govt Ritalin part is creative.

[potato]

Very nicely written. Definitely puts an imagine in your mind.

[Nidheesh Sankaran]

nice nice..........!!!! loved reading it.........

[C. Rose]

Very powerful.

My one suggestion is to add more to the "government Ritalin" line
Either a preposition or possession just to make it a little more clear how its all connected.