Anguish

Deep pain of loneliness without someone special

Clouds cover the whole sky, shows dark night
Birds sit in their nest, can't try to flight
Anywhere moon not seen, put off its light

On stair I sit, hand under my head
Tears fall from eyes, gaze roses red
I stumble in my life, still unwed

Her picture in my hands, her face bring out me
On bed of thorns I live, without her feel wee
I stare her picture, and mumble where thee?

I wallow in the mire, life full with ruin jerk
I don't swallow pain of lonely, don't do any work
I mis wailing without her, time seems like mirk

when she'as on the brink of grave, i never forget that time
Stare into my eyes with keen interest, she waive body at all times

Author's Note

If any mistake related to Grammar then please help to correct it.

Reviews

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

This was really beautiful, i could tell it was written straight from your heart.
It was sad and very romantic.
Very emotional and heartfelt this piece.
this was my favorite part
On stair I sit, hand under my head
Tears fall from eyes, gaze roses red
I stumble in my life, still unwed

The rhyming was also amazing :)
I really enjoyed reading this :) Keep writing i like the way you write :)

[Ayvid N]

Lucky, the emotions expressed here by you are very palpable, in spite of some grammar problem. Great attempt in expression!

[Vaishali Roopesh]

This is a very good poem. A lovely read and very touching. Thumbs up!

[Chaz Hemsworth]

I like your meter here and to some extent the grammar you employ as more flexible. Could you do this without rhyming? Sure. But it wouldn't be the same. Good deployment of imagery in the poem also.

[mandi]

wow Lucky,
it's seems like you have suffered a lot of pain too, "love" just one word, but it has so many meanings, it can be beautiful, it can be painful, it can be for your parents, family, animals, I could go on and on and on.
but the best thing about love is we all get to experience it in one form or another, and it has so much to teach us there is much to learn.

[Barbara Walker]

I understand your intent on this poem, but it just doesn't work. You have forced rhymes. A poem does not have to rhyme and using words that don't apply to the meaning of the poem or rhyme but have no meaning, is "forced rhyme. You have some good imagery, describing how you feel without her-"I wallow in the mire" is an excellent example.
I know I cannot know exactly what you want to say, but I've written an example below that paraphrases some of this poem and it is a poem, though there are no rhymes.

The night is dark, louds cover the sky
and I cannot see the moon nor its light.
On the stair, I sit, hand under my head.
Tears fall from my eyes; I am stumbling through life,
still unwed.

Her picture is in my hands.
Without her, I live on a bed of thorns.
I stare at her picture
and wonder, where is she?

I wallow in the mire,
I cannot swallow the pain of lonliness,
I feel as if I'm choking
and so upset, I don't do any work.

Until the day I die,
I won't forget the way she stared
into my eyes with love,
and oh, I wonder,
why that love died.

I don't mean to rewrite your work, but just want to give you an idea of what a poem can be without rhymes. The words are there, you have the heart of a poet. Just let the words flow.

[Ravyne Hawke]

This is also a nice poem, but if I were writing this, I would do away with the rhyme. It already forced you to use "wee" which is more of a sound than an emotion and your last two lines both end with "time" which from what little I know about rhyme poetry, that is a no no. Just drop the rhyme and write from your heart.

[Jamal]

ok i'll be honest i had a difficult time understanding it at first because of the significant lack of pronouns in certain lines maybe that's the way you wrote it but when i read it again, i got the jist of it...... well written to say the least

[Casner P]

Very touching. I can truly feel your anguish. Keep up the good work bro

[Alone In A Crowd]

I like the way you write your poems, they have a very deep meaning and tell a story.