The Cookie Lady

How does she make them taste so darned good?

 

Cookies, heaped on a platter, sweet and warm--that’s old Mrs. Barnhart’s specialty.  Chocolate chip, oatmeal and raisin, peanut butter; it doesn’t matter what kind she makes, because they’re all fabulous. At least three times per week, she’ll set a couple of dozen out on her porch railing, and boy, let me tell you, it doesn’t take long for that smell to bring us neighborhood kids running like a bunch of starved cats. Yeah, she’s the best cookie-maker in the whole wide world. Nice, too, but awful ugly, and I do mean ugly. She’s scary ugly, like the boogie man, or in her case, the boogie lady. Her eyes are too far apart, and her mouth’s too wide, sorta like a frog. In fact, if her skin was green and she squatted down, you’d probably scream bloody-murder and go hide under your bed.

The first time I ever saw her, Mom sent me over to take her a letter that had ended up in our mailbox. I couldn’t see her very good through the screen door, but when she opened it to take the letter from me, I saw her real good, and it scared me so bad that I screamed and ran away. Fuzzy Johnson and Larry Smith said she scared them like that, too. Well, hardly anyone is scared of her anymore. Once we tasted her cookies, we just kinda got used to her, you know. Now we call her the cookie lady, and everyone likes her, even though she’s scary-ugly.

One time my mom and Mrs. Pettigrew, who both have aprons that say “chef” on them, asked Mrs. Barnhart what her secret was. Now, I didn’t know it was okay to blabber about your secrets, but Mrs. Barnhart did, and she told them that it was the butter. She said she used a lot of really, really good butter. Well, Mom and Mrs. Pettigrew tried making cookies with a whole lot of real cow butter, but their cookies still didn’t taste like the cookie lady’s did. Poor Mom probably got dizzy-headed from all the heat in the kitchen, and went and said she thought hers were better than cookie lady cookies. She told me that about ninety-nine times, and gave me a look like she wanted me to agree with her. Well, I know about George Washington and the cherry tree, so I just couldn’t lie to her about those cookies. I did my best not to hurt her feelings, though, and told her that her cookies were quite a bit better than the ones they have at the school cafeteria.  She got quiet after that and went to the den with Dad’s bottle of Wild Turkey, so I guess she wanted to celebrate.

Yes, there’s no doubt that the cookie lady’s cookies are the best in the whole world. There was only one time when her cookies tasted almost like my moms, and that was last week, right after her cat, Mortimer, went crazy and wouldn’t come down from the mulberry tree. I should’ve told her why Morty wouldn’t come down, but was afraid Bumpy Moore would beat me up. I’ll tell you why Morty didn’t want to come down from there--he didn't want Bumpy to get him and mess up his butt again.  I know, because I saw Bumpy do it. He rubbed that cat’s butt with a dry corncob until it was raw as an onion, and then dobbed coal oil on it. I gotta tell you, I did not know that cats can run fifty miles an hour across the lawn while dragging their butts. Bumpy, Fuzzy and Larry laughed like crazy, but I only laughed a little bit. 

Finally, Mr. Vincent went up the tree with his long ladder and got Mortimer down. I know that made the cookie lady happy because the next day, she set out a tray of cookies. We all ran up and grabbed some, including Bumpy, whose hands and arms were all scratched up. The cookie lady asked him, “Bumpy, what happened to your hands and arms?”

He stuffed two cookies in his mouth and told her, “Pickin’ blackberries.”

Funny--that was the last time anyone ever saw Bumpy. He was always putting big rocks and fence posts on the railroad tracks, trying to derail a train, so everyone figured a railroader probably got him. Anyway, right after he disappeared, the cookie lady’s cookies didn’t taste quite right. I think she noticed it, too, because I heard her mumble, “His ol’ butter isn’t any good.” I’m sure she meant to say “This ol’ butter”, but it’s hard for her to talk right with that great big frog mouth.

Well, everything is back to normal now, and the cookie lady’s cookies are as good as ever. Halloween is coming up, so she asked me, Fuzzy, and Larry to help her with the extra baking. We all agreed, of course, and now I'll be able to see for myself how the cookie lady makes her cookies taste so darned good!

                                            The End

Author's Note

Inspired by a real-life cookie lady who looked like a frog.

Reviews

[An owl on the moon]

Always a joy to read your stories, my friend! I know we've talked of you bringing your stories together in a book. Wishing somehow that it could become real for you and for all of us. You bring the dear cookie lady to life, create a wild world of childhood, joy and pain, and the fragrance of it all fills each line.

[Samuel Dickens]

Thank you. A book is something I've been thinking about. Self-published, of course--just something to share with friends and family.

[An owl on the moon]

I would buy one! Might have to drive down your way for a signed copy, of course. :)

[Wildfleour]

I still think you are one of the best storytellers ever!

[Muse]

It's like the scary lunch lady....only I'm sure the cookies were much better! Thanks for the warm fuzzy feelings Sam. Well penned!

[Tina Kline]

Quite the fun, scary read. I'm sure the cookies will be off after the boys go to help her make some cookies. I really enjoyed your story!

[Christina May Shanaberg]

Don't go into that cookie lady's house, she's going to bake you into those cookies, you dirty little boys!

I grew up on a very fitting street, Grasmere Avenue. William Wordsworth's home of Dove Cottage was at the edge of that town, Grasmere. His poetry was simple to read and understand, much like mine. That was the home of my birth!

However, my Grasmere had a "hill lady" and an ess curve at the bottom. We would sit in her drive planning our crazy rides to the bottom and she would come out chasing us with her "witch's broom."

But, only the bravest on Halloween night, would even knock on her door. To find a huge bag stuffed with homemade cookies, apples, caramelled popcorn balls, and cash (well, coins.) Sometimes, even little toys. I remember the one that she gave me to drive me crazy has like twelve sections in a box that you moved around, until you could make a picture; I wonder what that picture was of, to this day. LOL!

She was an evil old witch, with the heart of an angel. I hate to think how she felt, when we ran away, always. Now, I understand that she was lonely.

Enough going on, great write!

[roarke]

eatin' too many monster cookies again eh?
You had me speculatin' all over the place in with the first paragraph, which by the way is flawlessly crafted.
Classic folk tales are made of stuff like this. Somehow, I don't see the "end" to this story.... The cookie lady will bake again, and again, and again... this story reminds me of one of my favorite Ray Bradberry tales, "Something wicked this way comes" the feel and nostalgic ambience of the piece take you back and you can just smell those cookies...
Bravo.

[KAREN]

Humorous, fun to read, and very entertaining. Your stories always come to life when read because of the imagery.

[Fabian G. Franklin]

Sounds like Hansel and Gretal all over again...except the house isn't made of cookies...she just puts them on the window sill! (laughing) I guess I was lucky to be a skinny kid...and never had much of a sweet tooth....the story was just honest enough and suggestive enough to pronounce the naivety desired...always a joy to read your work.

[Jamie S.]

Thank you for sharing, this is fun to read. I especially like the part when mom takes the bottle of wild turkey to "celebrate", that had me laughing out loud! When I read your stories they give me hints on what my boys are thinking and at ages 7 and 8 I need all the help I can get :)

[Amy Bumpas]

I always like your lively stories and characters:))

[Judy Ponceby]

Brilliant, the first paragraph made me laugh out loud and it just got better from there. You certainly have a talent with the stories Sam! I know I will always have a good read when I see you post new work :)