where to begin

A Story by puffz

job. this random project. job search. wow. battlenet chat. facebook. steam games sale. grapefruit. garbage on my desk. missing fat cat.

i'm too bored to keep listing more.

I wish I had some adderall.

What should I work on right now? I check the timer to my work… 7 minutes left whew. Any jobs look interesting? nope… too bad I can’t be an intern again.

I am not good enough. I remember a post from reddit where a 51 year old man said he had 100k in savings and people responded he was not safe for retirement.

I have 150 in savings… 3000 in bank and I know I’m going to owe about 3-4000 in taxes.

I still have loans from both college and grad school.

I’m not in a terrible place but I’m not in a good place.

At least, I have my health and happiness. Why the f**k is there a space between "at" and "least". why.

i guess i can thank my happiness to my inability to concentrate on one thing at a time.

3minutes left for this job. submit.

I guess I wanted to start writing a bit because I am not a very good communicator. Well, I think I can express myself much better on paper than in person.

I have a hard time saying I love you. I miss you. to my family. We never really hugged, kissed… iono. When I think about it, I get agitated. My mind quickly thinks about something else. I should really start going back to the gym. I am never happy with my weight.

I love my parents, I love my brother but I don’t want to talk to them. I mean I do but I don’t.

I guess it’s the secrets and the censoring. My family is very religious and expected a lot from me. I expect a lot from me. I keep thinking I’m meant for more… but here I am doing nothing to change the world… living off of memories of friends and ex coworkers saying I’m special. Surely, I’m meant to do something.

surely.

When my dad was 6… his mother died. My aunt (I think) told me they(my dad’s older siblings) were coming from and he ran to them crying. I believe my dad’s infant younger brother died soon after.

I cannot imagine losing my mom.

She is a strong woman. business savvy. smart. stern. great with customers. huge a*s gossip.

lol.

I think I’ll stop now.

at least i know where to end.