Please Pass the Potato Salad and PTSD

"There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved." - George Sand

When I was about seven or eight years old, my father decided that he wanted to have a cookout at our house with his seven brothers and sisters, their children and our neighbors as guests.  My mother was adamantly and vehemently opposed.  She didn't get along with any of them.  In actuality, she never got along with anyone.  No one ever visited our house.  My mother was always angry and was a hoarder.  She was broken and ill.  She told my father "If you go through with it, I won't be there - I'll leave."  I remember being frightened and not understanding why she was behaving that way as they argued about it for days, perhaps weeks.  Finally, the day of the planned cookout came.  My parents argued again and my mother jumped into the car and drove off.  My older brother had taken off too, probably to go play with his friends at the playground, schoolyard. or at one of their houses as he usually did in order to get away from our house.

My father is not a very capable person and began setting up and preparing food.  I stayed by his side trying to help him and doing as he told me.  I was quite young, afraid and not yet very capable myself but did the best that I could under the circumstances.  The guests began arriving.  Each time, they would inquire, "Where's your mother?" I remember saying, "She had to go out and will be back later."  I was embarrassed, afraid and didn't know what to say.    No one ever visited our house so it was dually uncomfortable.  I also didn't know if my mother was ever coming back.

At the end of the day, long after the last guest had departed, my mother returned home with the car.  I was still helping my father to clean up and put things away.  My parents began arguing again.  It finally came to a devastating climax when my father struck my mother across the face as I stood nearby watching the whole thing.  He asked her if she wanted a divorce and she didn't answer.  They didn't speak to each other for probably a month or more afterwards.  Things were never the same.  If I lived a million years, I could never fully describe how I felt during the entire episode or what it was like growing up in that house.  I know that my whole world was shaken and rocked to the core and changed in a very profound way that, to this day, I cannot fully grasp.  I fell into a different dimension.  A sort of paralyzing pergatory without answers.  It caused serious, far-reaching damage.  It was like being attacked by a swarm of bees and all you want to do is run away and knock them off of you but you can't.  They keep coming after you stinging.  Who I am is wrapped up in all of this like a cruel, all-covering sweater and if you pull but one thread oftentimes the whole thing unravels.

This wasn't supposed to happen and I don't know how to fully process it to this day.  I live with the permanent scars.  L. Frank Baum, the wizard in 'The Wizard of Oz' said, "There's  no place like home."  A Roman philosopher once said, "Home is where the heart is."  I had a dysfunctional home and a broken heart.  A proper foundation for life cannot be built on shaky, unstable ground.  In his 1940 novel, Thomas Wolfe declared, "You Can't Go Home Again".  Where does that leave me? ...

Author's Note

"The most important thing in the world is family and love." - John Wooden

Reviews

[Onlyme]

Pete, I praise you for speaking out about how you felt as a child. And how this traumatic event. Changed you and your family. I really felt the pain and hurt and upset and confusion you felt. And still, do to a strong degree over this. And I guess your mother suffered from social phobia. And didn't like to mix with others she was not sure about. As for your mum. Her home was her safe place. And when your dad decided to have a cookout at your home. Your mother just could not cope with that idea of all those people are your home. Her safe place. It was just too much for her. And she ran off. Your father sounded like he had no idea. She suffered from this. As she tried to hide it. And in turn, everyone affected by her reaction that day. Outwith your fathers when she returned. I do hope your mother is doing better. As are you and the rest of your family. And I hope by speaking out about something some devastating to you. Helps you heal also. hugs and thinking of you all. Dawn.

[Pete]

thank you Dawn. you are correct. the house was a refuge of isolation from a world that had done her wrong. i was not able to put the pieces together and understand until much later in life.

[Onlyme]

At least you tried to undertand your mother Pete. That says a lot about you. She is lucky to have you as a son. I can relate to that my hubby and my father where both suffers truama from their own families.

[Pete]

i'm so sorry to hear that. thank you for understanding and caring ...

[Onlyme]

Pete, your not alone sweetheart. Never forget that. And your most welcome. No of us are perfect. Iam fucked up also. But we are all still here. hugs Dawn.

[Samuel Dickens]

Having experienced a similar hell, I know of what you speak. No child should ever have to suffer through something like that. No one came to see us, either, and I grew up with a distorted sense of family. The scars are deep. Somehow, John Prine's "Bruised Orange" seems appropriate right now.

[Pete]

no child indeed. sorry you had to experience that.
thank you Samuel for the kind, understanding thoughts. they are well appreciated ... :)

[Eve]

I would like to begin with the ending of your story. It was the perfect way to end something on such a dark and real topic. Although I have never seen my father hit my stepmother, I have seen the aftermath of some of their arguments and heard the slams against the walls and the stairs telling me all I would ever need to know. One of the hardest things is to go through is a broken family, one where you can't rely on your parents because they are what you are trying to figure out. I know your pain, is all I'm saying. Be strong, there is a home out there for everyone when they're ready to open their eyes and look for it.

[Pete]

i feel for you. i guess that my experiences growing up this way have made me into an overly sensitive, caring, loving person. i am prone to withdraw and be a loner. when i do open up and give me heart to someone it is all-in 120%. thank you for your kind understanding and insight. it is well appreciated friend ... :)

[Eve]

I'm glad you have found a positive outlook on such things, it is a great way to deal with them.

[Chris Shaw]

Really touched my heart with this write. Coming from a family where there was much happiness, it never occured to me as a child that others didn't have what I had. I have more understanding now though, because I see broken families around me all the time. It's always those little people who suffer so. I am so sorry for what you went through as a child. I really admire the fact that you have had the courage to write about it. Take care Pete.

Chris

[Pete]

thanks Chris. gee, it only took 45 years before i could even acknowledge it and get it out in any form. i still can't really talk about it without gut-wrenching emotional pain. i get very angry. thank God for writing and dear folks like you ... :)

[Chris Shaw]

PTSD is devastating. I know someone with it, and it can affect every part of his daily living. He is now getting some help, and he is finding some relief. I hope sincerely that you are able to access some help too. You don't deserve to live with this emotional baggage crippling you.

[barleygirl]

This is a precious outpouring of the most sincere kind & it's a gift for which we thank you! (((HUGS))) . . . This is a very compelling piece. Your writing is flawless & your storytelling is intensely vivid. Thank you for sharing this, which is a marvel to me becuz of how you could reach down deep inside yourself & pour it out to the extent that you're really feeling it. For me, this doesn't happen. I can barely get out a sentence or two & almost never about how I was changed by my childhood experiences. Your writing is an inspiration to me, to keep trying to dig deeper (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Pete]

thank you sincerely Margie. i've never shared this stuff before - kept it bottled inside my whole life. tucked & filed it away deeply, deeply inside. not even i knew where it was. never thought it could be inspirational or educational but if something positive can come from it then so be it. (((HUGS))) as you say ...

[barleygirl]

I read a book in my 30's that described getting the junk out, in order to clear our creative channels for the kind of writing we really want to do. I bet writing about this adds to the freedom you feel in your "everyday" writing! *smile*

[Pete]

i suppose that it adds depth and emotional layers to what i write. it is liberating in other things but the specifics of this stuff are deeply unnerving and upsetting. never thought about it like that before ... :)

[barleygirl]

I always have a mini-breakdown for a few days after writing about my abuse & having people respond to me about it. It's like I forget how s****y this feels until other people respond to my writing. I can't write about it often becuz I feel s****y for a few days & I need to get back to my healed place!

[Pete]

it is the exact same way with me. i mostly block it out and ignore it because it will ruin my day and possibly a few more afterwards but getting better. as they say, time heals all wounds ... :)