Picture it ........ Walgreen's ....... warm summer night ......... 12:24 a.m. ........ a handful of shoppers ......... and me, waiting for a prescription ....... last minute trip ........ wearing denim shorts and my bathing suit top, which happens to be very lose this summer, and purple thongs .......... I have a 20 minute wait, they tell me, so I join the mixed group of youngsters buying condoms….. executive-type women in search of Revlon's #626 “Bodacious Bourdeux” or whatever ….. the guy lurking around the back of the store, seemingly waiting for some unsuspecting chick to happen by so he can "accidently" touch her boobies ….. and the herd of Octogenarians, who are here now because "it's too damn HOT to come out during the day!", picking up their supply of meds, FiberAll and Raisinettes .......... good party ........ so I trek on over to the cosmetic area and stand next to a slightly older woman who, I swear to god, seems to be praying over a bottle of Cover Girl Foundation, hands clasped around it, head downcast, eyes closed …….. huh …….. yeah so moving on …….. as I turn to walk away ……. as far away as I can get …. my right thong slips off my foot and I stumble a bit, trying to NOT fall on my a*s ……thankfully, I win, and continue walking as if nothing happened ……. damn thing’s always falling off ….. anyway, I take my place in the hair colour isle, selecting the next shade to cover the gray wires that seem to have taken up residence in my scalp .......... Mahogany Brown or Espresso Bean? hmmm ......... tough one ......... as I ponder the future of my hair, slipping my foot in & out of the purple thong ....... one of my favorite tunes kicks up on the overhead ........ instantly, I'm taken into a stream of thoughts & memories as the band begins to sing ....... Saigon Kick "Love is on the Way" .........ever hear it? good tune ......... so there I am …….. goob, that I am …… singin my heart out at the end of the hair care isle, smiling cheerfully at those who pass and cast quizzical looks ………. f**k’em, it’s a kick a*s song ……. little did I know, that my “who cares?” resolve was about to be severely tested ……. as I end the first chorus, my throat catches a bit ……. hmmm I need something to get the juices flowing again ……. so I dig in my pocket for the box of Tic Tacs my daughter stuffed in there earlier in the evening …… no, my body is not my own, when it comes to my children ..lol. …… hey they’re the orange ones, sweet! …. love those ……. popping 2 or 3 in my pie hole, the song plays on and I feel the next chorus coming on, along with my next stellar performance …….. revving up my pipes, I opt for the Espresso Bean colour and slip the candies back in my pocket ……. ooh, here it is! ……. “love is on the waaayyy, I can see it in your eyes…..let’s give it one more tryyy toooniiight, baby!…..” …… damn, I’m pretty good! ……. hehe…. yeah ……. singing like a moron, I’m so into the song, I don’t realize there’s a guy standing right next to me and damn near knock him over …….. I pivot on my right foot in hopes of avoiding an embarrassing collision as he looks down at me with a vague smile on his lips ……. amusing, I am …….. the vague smile suddenly turns to wide-eyed concern as my trusty right thong stays true to it’s pattern and slips right off my foot, causing me to stumble backwards with waaayyy more momentum that I can understand ……. he reaches out to grab my outstretched, flailing arm but …..alas …..to no avail …….. down I go …… none too gracefully …….. backwards………onto my a*s ……. into a display of “Buy one get one FREE! Depends Undergarments” …….. right ….on …….my A*S! ……. there’s a brief moment of fog & confusion as bag after bag cascades onto my ragdoll form konking me over the head, one after the other …….. and, of course, I can do nothing but sit there, arms limp, legs outstretched , one shoe on, one somewhere else, looking like a frickin medicated, drooling vegetable for about 30 seconds …… and I notice the guy just staring at me, now joined by 4 or 5 other shoppers & employees who all share the same “fight or flee” expressions ……… “umm..helloooooo…….a hand, please people?!?!” . ………. nope …….. they just stare at me …… so what can I do? ……. I start laughing my a*s off as I make my way to an upright position …….. I feel a hand on my arm as I’m ½ way up and look up to see the face of the guy who I’d originally almost plowed over ……… and I just laugh harder ……. a worried smile plays over his face as he asks me if I’m ok …….. I just shake my head as I look for my other thong and try to stop the torrent of laughter washing over me ……. I take I a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself and feel two small objects hit the back of my throat ……… my laughter stops, abrubtly, and the guy looks even more concerned now …….. yep ……. I inhaled the goddamn Tic Tacs ………. NOW……..not only am I a flailing, stumbling moron ….. but I’m choking on Tic Tacs in front of 12 people in Walgreen’s at midnight!!! …….. f****n SWEET! ……. I gag and swallow, trying to handle it myself, as discreetly as I can, but to no avail …….. I’m f****n CHOKing! …….. so what can he do, but try to save my a*s AGAIN …….. so he gets behind me …….. yeah …….. you can imagine the scene, I’m sure ……. he starts lurching on my stomach ……… valiant hero, that he is …….. and in no time, relseases the lodged candies and saves his damsel in distress …… yay for him!!! …….. now, not only am I less one shoe, a*s in pain, dishevled and humiliated …….. but my ribs are broken too …….. yay for MEE! …….. but wait! ……… there’s MORE! ……. as I turn to thank him, as gracioulsy as one can in a scene such as this ………. his face goes beet red and and he turns his head so quickly I flinched, thinking the f****n roof was about to fall in on me ……… I mean, why not, right?!?! …… . confused, I sway and pivot to look behind me when several more people start gasping, laughing, pointing, averting their gazes …….yeah, it was all that and more ……… and yet again ……. the guy comes to my rescue ……… as decently as he can ……. he whispers in my ear …….. that my bathing suit top has gone slightly askew in all the hubbuh …….. I look down to see both breasts bared and gleeming in the soft, flourescent light of Walgreen’s …….. oh this is just f****n AWEsome! ……… so what can I do? …….. I laugh ……. ask if they enjoyed the show ……. put my b***s away …….. graciously accept the evil thong that “Kip”, the pharmacy clerk finds and hands to me ……thank the fine gentleman, once again for his chivalry ……….. and walk ……. tall and proud …… to the front of the store where I plan to make my proud and graceful exit …….. and as soon as I pass through the doors, roars of laughter boom from the store ……….. and I vow never to come here again ……… seems my “who cares”” resolve has finally been broken ………. and then ………. as I’m slipping behind the wheel of my car …… Kip runs out of the store and yells out to me ……” ummm Ma’am? Aren’t you forgetting your prescription?” ……… great …….. well what can I do? …….. I smile ……… I head back in ……… and I say ……”f**k’em …who cares?” ……… yep ……….. this is my lfe . Tequilla anyone?
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