Leitmotifs of Christmas

It's an autobiographical essay on the transitions of Christmas from youth to middle age

I had wanted to write this article for a long time. It’s only now that ideas are surging into my consciousness. There was a time, in my teens, which I celebrated Christmas as a faithful Christian and also as a commercial Christian. I was very much influenced by the gospel stories of the immaculate conception of Jesus by a Virgin and his mission in the world to redeem mankind and womankind from their sins. In my teens I was not very much conscious of what it meant by being born in sin especially the Adamic one. I went through a series of evangelization in school and Sunday school, and I was happy and willing to give my heart to Jesus without knowing the meaning of what I had done. I was happy to sing in Sunday school choir and also attend Christmas carol service in the Church. Here the only sin I used to do was masturbation. I did not know that it was a sin and I was a helpless addict to it. I used to masturbate with imagination of many women that I have seen in real life. Yes there was an elderly aunty living in my opposite house. She was a buxom, voluptuous lady and putting her as imagination gave me the greatest pleasure. Yes there were guilt feelings and I used to request God to forgive me for it. I used to love listening to the good old Christmas Carols and they melted in my heart as sugar would when it is placed in water. I used to feel agitated as volcanic lava when Choir groups were not allowed to sing in the house. As a commercialized Christian I used to go on a buying spree, spending money lavishly on buying gewgaws like an artificial Christmas tree, color bulbs, and stars. I used to be in the forefront decorating the house. I have also done eleemosynary activities like visiting the houses of my poor comates and giving them presents. As I have grown older, I think of all the things I have done. There is a broth of sadness and a silver lining of nostalgia. It’s difficult to accept the fact that a virgin would have conceived an immaculate birth. If miracles were done by the savior then why are they not happening today? Yes I like the Christian concept of redemption of mankind but not in the heavenly sense but in the earthly sense as an establishment of the Kingdom of God as being social justice on earth. I have also given into sin being fully aware that our bodies are housed by carnality that is consensual promiscuity. Have I been affected by the spiritual, mental and physical ostracism of my wife? Yes I feel gored in my loins by a sexual appetite which thanks to living in India I have not been able to fulfill. Yes I have enjoyed the fruit of being in adultery but that too only for a short period of time. I am not very much impressed by the Christian eschatological doctrine of finding a place in Heaven after the separation of sinners and righteous. I can only accept the fact that at death our physical bodies will disintegrate and it baffles me when Christian pundits preach of the righteous possessing glorified bodies. For this Christmas I have wholly remained like vegetable not taking part in any ceremonies or even decorating the house with objet d’ arts. The cold reason of facts confronts my existence and squeeze it to death as grinder would do to vegetables. Yes then the only solace I have is to put emotion into the realm of passionate understanding and hope that things would turn out for the better.