Messages from the Future 02

Friday, 01 January 2608

The following is a transcript of the weekly broadcast given by our esteemed dictator for life, Wurtzel Hemingway. May he live forever.

Hello cretins. This is your leader speaking. By now we are accustomed to hearing the moral objections of our wisest citizens. As was expected, some of them have taken exception with the incarceration of the Purists. They ask me: “Where is the sense in punishing an entire population for wrongdoings committed by a few of its citizens?”

But the Purists are not being punished; their relocation was a sad and simple necessity; and the world has never been more alone.

Vice and immorality were always possibilities with them. They’re entire government and society is founded on this fact. But hatred is an incurable evil. Vicious and blind, it is the most potent and virulent disease, destroying everything it touches.

The memory of Andrew Drexler’s death will haunt us forever. Such a wound festers and rots. On a lonely night it will call vile thoughts into your head: “Maybe I am worthless; maybe I am not human.”

When Andrew was shot in the back of the head he was sitting on the lawn in front of his house, mesmerized by the feeling of blades of grass and water molecules grazing his fingertips. He had been thinking about his father’s deep voice—the way it made the hair on the back of his neck stand up straight whenever his father explained, in slow, simple detail, about how the Somatosensory cortex of the brain interacts with the nervous system.

Do you know what kind of hatred it takes to kill an innocent 11 year old boy? It is not narcissistic indifference. Nor annoyance. Nor spite. Nor even malice… It is disgust. And as a doctor with a scalpel I would not hesitate to kill one hundred thousand men in order to excise it from the world.

Who will envy my eyes, though I am king of the entire world? I have seen the death of innocents. I have seen joy in the face of a killer. Time and time again I have seen despair and disgust make men brave enough to conquer innocence and love.

So please understand: once the Purists could no longer see us as equal, human brothers, we could no longer allow them to live by our side. For though they have eyes, they would make the whole world blind.




On a different note, I would like to wish all of you a joyful New Year. I declare that all prohibited drugs and intoxicants will be made legal for the next week of celebration. Public orgies will be permitted in designated recreational centers and gymnasiums.

To ensure your happiness and survival, military personnel and medics will be posted near social gathering areas. If you plan on killing yourself for a few days during the holidays, please ensure that you have alerted your therapist and made a backup of all your memories.

Furthermore, I would like to offer my sincere congratulations to those of you who are turning 30 this coming year. The period of your indentured servitude has come to an end and your life is now your own. You have finally paid your debt to society.

As usual, you will be transported to a government-funded sanctuary, far removed from the cares of everyday life, where you will be provided with every possible service and luxury for the remainder of your lives. You will find that most inhabitants choose to stay in their rooms, spending their time in a deep and unconscious slumber. In this self-induced slumber you will have the option of experiencing a sustained level of euphoria, tantamount to a perpetual cocaine high.

Also, you will now have the choice of living in one of our state-of-the-art virtual reality systems, where you will be free to act out your most primitive desires, no matter how harmful or taboo.

I expect that more than a few of you will choose to stay within the workforce, as it is what you have become accustomed to. Your dedication to making an actual difference in the world is admirable. You will be rewarded with an increased wage and a permanently enhanced sense of contentment and self-worth. Please submit your renewed employment papers to your neurologist at your earliest convenience to receive your upgrade.

Those of you who are more old-fashioned will have the privilege of getting married. You will be relocated to the seaside townships of the Eastern provinces to live with other families. Please remember not to talk about your personal insecurities or any negative feelings with your significant other. Such conversations have consistently led to more murders and suicides than any other act.

Keep conversations light and friendly.

Long-lasting relationships that are mutually enjoyable have always been formed in environments that are free of stress and conflict. Remember that your significant other can only offer you physical comfort and help to promote your self-worth. They are not trained to understand your problems or to help you solve them. Please save serious conversations for your therapist.

If your spouse is making you unhappy in any way, please inform the proper authorities as soon as possible.