MY STRUGGLE IN MOVING ON

After 7 years of being with you, I  tend to begin  each and everyday of my life, telling myself  "ITS OVER..WE'RE DONE". I am starting to forget all the memories we’ve had. That of course includes the senseless text messaging until dawn, watching movies when it’s Saturday, eating isaw together, and talking at the phone with a nonsense conversation just to hear each other’s voice. Well, how about the times when you held my hands to let me feel that you will always be there for me and the moment that you watched me crying because I knew it is only to you that I can show what I really feel… I’m trying to forget them now. If you will ask me if I can still remember the hugs and kisses, of course I do but I’ve been also trying to let them go as the wind gently touches my face in the cold night.

The truth? I’m hurt when I try to stop thinking about us because deep inside my broken heart and my broken dreams, I still want you here with me. I still love you and I just can’t simply deny that. As a matter of fact, whenever I look at sweet couples around me, I hold back my tears and tell myself, “We could have been that sweet” or “I wish he’s still with me.” For short, I miss everything about you.

So many thoughts are running through my confused mind today. There are a lot of things that I wish I could have done to you to make you stay in my life. I have many plans that I wish I could have fulfilled. But at this moment, they will stay as wishes for they will never come true, there is no single hope waiting for me. You will never come back into my arms again…

Did you ever love me in the first place? Anyway, I don’t know how should I react, what I should say, I doubt it, if I can still manage to give the sweetest smile I used to show when you were still mine.. Perhaps, I might just go to my room and cry, wishing I will simply disappear and pretend that I am very much okay..

I know I have to let go of you because I should not let my world stop spinning now that you are gone but that is easier said than done. It’s not easy to put aside the beautiful thoughts of you, the wonderful dreams with you and the life forever with you that we used to dream of. It’s even harder for me to pretend that I’m okay and very happy for you now that you have found the girl you’ve always dreamed of! How can I simply let go of someone I love so much? I know I will find someone new but probably I will not love him the way I loved you. These tears of mine are starting to fall once again. I thought I’m done crying.I thought I had my “one last cry.”

But why did you left me without any “good” goodbye? Maybe you and I were not meant for each other, I told myself.The day you went away was simple for you but it was like millions of shattered glass was falling towards me. I showed you that I love you in the best way I know but I realized that maybe you’ve never loved me in anyway. The whole world was once against me when I started to love you but did I give a care about what they were saying? I never did, I shut my ears, I closed my eyes, I cried alone… It’s because you are the one I love and they can say the worst thing about you but I can never change what I really feel for you and that i did accept everything and anything about you.

The wounds are still not healing. Everywhere I go, I can still hear your name. I’m trying to run away from the pain I’m feeling but I simply can’t. I struggled to pick up the pieces of me but I’m always beginning to fall. I feel so devastated that I wish I should have become smart, that I should not have loved you. I wish to just vanish but my heart tells me that I should stay and move on but how..I simply MISS YOU and I LOVE YOU!

Tell me now, is this love? Why do I feel this way? Isn’t it that love is supposedly like floating in the air? So why am I in despair? I gave everything and left nothing for myself. Do I deserve this? These are the questions that disturb me when I think of you. But I have only made a conclusion; love is just so difficult to understand, right? Sometimes, you gave your all but  in the end ull be all alone..

I never regretted loving you, I still thank you for making my life in despair because I’ve learned how to become a wiser and a stronger person that i am right now. You even taught me a lot of things:how to be patient, how to understand and most importantly, how to love. At least, if you would ask me how much I had loved you, I will simply kiss you and whisper “more than my life.”

As I was looking up in the sky, I found answers to some of my questions. To love is to expect nothing in return, to love unconditionally in short. I learned that when you love, never give everything, save something for yourself so that when you have to let go, you still have a piece of you to let you go on with your life. Never rush into falling in love. Take your time. Think a lot! Good things come to those who wait…Always use your head not your heart. It’s best to love someone who truly deserves you. Face another day and try to forget the things in the past that you cannot do something about. Now I’m trying to let go of everything that puts me in blue, things that ring a bell in my mind,  including the hope that makes me hold on to you…

I may have loved the wrong person but after all that happened to me, I still believe that there is someone whose name is written in dark huge sky, waiting for me. You know, though it’s quite difficult for me to move on, I know someday I can because I am strong.  But at this moment, as each beautiful day passes, I’m trying…I'm really damn trying....................

I just dont f****n understand why misery love's me..