Little Palaces

In Chocolate Town, all the trains are painted brown, and the silver paper of the wrapper…

                            

            The train moves through the town.  It’s made from a shoebox and toilet paper rolls, all wrapped up in aluminum foil.  Mommy helped him make it.  The mayor was excited to have a train running through town.  The train meant that more people would come to watch the races and visit the amusement park.  The train would fill the city and it would grow, and the mayor would watch from his house as his town grew bigger and bigger.

            The boy takes one of the chocolates off the paper towel and eats it.  They were a special treat from Mommy.  The Man didn’t want him to have chocolate all the time, but sometimes when he was away during the day, she would give him a few.  The boy was glad when The Man was away, because then Mommy was happy and they could sit and play and talk.  The mayor is so happy about the train that he gives Mommy a key to the city and tells her she can visit anytime she wants.  All the townspeople cheer and cheer.  They are so happy because now there will be new people in their town and they are happy because now they can visit the shore whenever they want.  The mayor invites everyone in for some food and throws a party.  His palace is huge.  It’s the biggest building in the city, and he likes it like that because he can let all the townspeople come visit him whenever they want. 

 

And they're moving problem families from the South up to the North, Mother's crying over some soft soap opera divorce…

 

            He’s watching her.  He barely remembers his dad in the box and how they buried him in the ground.  Outside the palace is a little cemetery.  There’s only one gravestone.  Not a lot of people die in Chocolate Town.  He remembers when The Man came into their lives.  He remembers when he had to leave all his friends to move up to the cold place and live.  He remembers how Mommy started watching TV all the time.  And how the shows make her sad all the time.  He remembers how when he came here all the teachers started calling him by The Man’s last name. 

            The mayor didn’t like any of this at all.  His whole town was taken down and built again in some strange place.  But now, now they have the train.  And all the townspeople can go back and visit where they were before.  The mayor can’t leave, of course, but he’s happy that his people are happy.  The Man was so nice to him.  He can’t understand when things changed.  He can’t remember when they stopped smiling and doing things.  The boy takes another chocolate and watches the train move through the town taking everyone to work and to the park.  Maybe it was the cold.  Maybe the cold changed The Man.  The boy felt slower in it.  Maybe The Man didn’t like to be slow.  There was a kid at school, and he worked slower than the other kids, but he didn’t get angry like The Man.  The boy liked the slower kid.  The slower kid smiled more than usual and the boy liked to smile with him while they did the things the teacher said to do. 

            The boy watches Chocolate Town, and he sees the barber nod and wave to people as they pass in the street.  And everyone says hi to the street sweeper as they pass him.  They are careful to watch where they walk so they don’t make things harder for him.  The crier walks around and lets everyone know it’s time for the dance, and they stop working to meet in the center of town.  They have a party like this every day, because they know that they have to go home soon, and they want to see everyone before it’s nighttime.  The band plays a song and the townspeople all dance arm in arm and everyone is smiles as their busy day comes to an end.

 

There's a dapper little man and he wears a wax moustache that he twists with nicotine fingers as he drops his cigarette ash…

 

            Mommy comes through the room and straightens up the pillows and the boy helps her to pack up Chocolate Town and move it to his bedroom.  She takes the paper towel and the silver wrappers from the treat she gave him and puts them in the trash can.  She checks the dinner she’s been making because she needs to make sure it will still be hot.

            The Man is coming home.  The boy knows this will happen because it always happens.  He goes in his room because The Man doesn’t like to see him underfoot throughout the house.  The boy hears the front door open and then slam shut.  He looks at the mayor’s palace where it is piled at the top of the box that now holds Chocolate Town and wishes he had walls surrounding him and his mother, and that there was a gate that he could lock that would keep The Man out. 

            He hears Mommy and The Man talking in the other room.  He hears their voices getting louder and moving closer to him.  The boy looks from the mayor’s palace to his door.  He sits on the floor watching the wood grain on the door, and the crucifix hanging in the middle of it.  Under the crucifix is a drawing he and the slow kid did together for class.  He watches as the door shakes with a pounding; he doesn’t know from what.  Then the knob turns and he watches as The Man stands silhouetted in the doorway.  Behind the man, he can see the shadow of Mommy and the way she’s covering her face with her hand. 

            The Man just stands there looking down at the boy, a cigarette burning bright in one hand; the light shining through the dull brown bottle in the other.  The Man towers over the boy who now sits in the shadow cast by the bright lights of the other room.  The boy looks up at the man.

            “What the f**k have you been doing all day?  Playing in that imaginary f*****g city with all of your imaginary f*****g friends?” The Man asks, slurring most of the words.  His voice is thick, like his tongue is too big for his mouth.  The jacket The Man wears has his name on it.  The boy can’t see it, but he knows it’s there.

            The Man takes a step towards the boy and Mommy puts her hand on his shoulder to hold him back, but The Man just shrugs it off.  Before, it was bright enough to see inside the room.  But now, with the lights shining in from the other room, the boy can’t see the mayor’s palace anymore. 

            “Huh?  Why don’t you f*****g say anything?”

            The boy mumbles something, but even he can’t hear what he’s said. 

            “You talking back, huh?  What’d you say?”

            The boy sits there.  His eyes fall to The Man’s shoes.  They are dull, black suede, but in places they shine from grease that has been smeared on them. He watches as they step closer again, then again.  The liquid in the brown bottle sloshes around. 

            “Hey, boy. I’m talking to you.  You pay attention when I f*****g talk to you.”  The Man’s voice grows louder every time he begins a new sentence.  He can feel The Man’s spit on his skin with the ‘f**k’.   The boy cringes as The Man’s shadow grows bigger and more menacing around him. 

 

So you knock the kids about a bit, because they've got your name.  And you knock the kids about a bit, until they feel the same.

 

The boy sits in the dark of his room.  Through the tears in his eyes, he can’t even see the box where Chocolate Town is kept at night.  His ear burns.  He can’t stop thinking about the hand swinging down and striking him across the side of the head.  He didn’t see Mommy run forward to stop The Man, but he did see The Man turn to shove her out of the room. 

The boy wishes he could scream.  All he can bring himself to do is whimper.  He can hear the man’s voice outside his room, booming.  He imagines he can hear Mommy crying.  He falls asleep in spite of the noises. 

 

And you say you didn't do it, but you know you did of course and they'll soon be pulling down the little palaces

 

            The next day, in class, the boy sits quietly at the table that he and the slow kid sit at everyday.  The night before, Mommy had come in late at night, probably after The Man had been asleep for a long time.  She brought him food and talked softly to him, but he didn’t respond.  He had woken from a dream in which his dad was still alive and fighting off droves of ninjas.  These villains struck from the dark but they were no match for his dad.  He woke up in pain from the loss, but with new strength.

            The slow kid smiles at the boy, but on this day the boy doesn’t feel like smiling.  The teacher is happy that the boy works so well with the slow kid, because she is afraid she wouldn’t have the patience that the boy shows.  Today, they are coloring a picture for the holidays.  Winter break will be coming soon, so the teacher has had them making decorations all week long.

            “You pay attention when I f*****g talk to you.” 

            The boy doesn’t even know where the voice is coming from.  He just hears that sentence over and over again.   The slow kid is struggling to stay inside the lines, but the boy lacks the energy to keep watch on him and the crayon slips several times.  The boy looks at it, and shaking his head, reaches over to guide the slow kid’s hand.  The slow kid pulls away and the boy slaps his hand over the slow kid’s holding it tight and guiding it.  The slow kid mumbles something, but the boy can’t hear it.  The slow kid pulls hard to wrench his hand free from the boy’s grip.

            “You pay attention when I f*****g talk to you.” 

            The boy hears the voice again, rumbling through his head, and all of a sudden he’s crying again.  He pushes the slow kid over, chair and all, and lunges on top of him.  And he’s slapping him across the ear.  And he’s slapping him.  And again.  And eventually the boy feels hands on him, pulling him away from the slow kid. 

 

You made the girls all turn their heads, and in turn they made you miserable. To be the heir apparent, to the kingdom of the invisible.

 

            As the boy is dragged from the classroom, he can hear the twitter of the girls’ laughter.  He knows that they will never look at him or treat him the same.  He sits with his head down, looking at his shoes as the teacher talks to the principal.  The principal calls Mommy.  She will come down to the school to pick him up.  He is suspended for three days for striking the slow kid. 

            Mommy comes to the school and talks to the principal for awhile.  The boy can see her shape through the frosted glass, and he can hear her muffled voice through the door as she tries to make excuses for what has happened.  When Mommy comes out of the principal’s office she hugs the boy and takes his hand.  They go to the car and head home.

 

It's like shouting in a matchbox, filled with plasterboard and hope.  There's a world of good intentions, and pity in their eyes…

 

            When they get home, the boy sees that Mommy has set up Chocolate Town.  She smiles at the boy with a guilty smile.  The boy goes over and sits next to the town, and he silently moves the train around.  He tries so hard, but he can’t see anyone in the town.  The barber is gone.  The street sweeper isn’t there.  The mayor isn’t on his balcony over looking the city.  All that remains of the glory of Chocolate Town is the pristine white palace, and the silver shiny train moving silently through the streets. 

            Mommy leaves him to his play and goes to the kitchen to get some chocolates.  The boy looks around the room, then again around the empty town.  The boy’s fingers slowly peel back the tin foil from the train’s surface.  The ugly brown of the cardboard underneath begins to show.  The boy stands up.  He turns to the kitchen door, but sees it’s still closed. He turns back around.

            “You pay attention when I f*****g talk to you.” 

He raises his foot and brings it down on the mayor’s palace.  The palace splinters and cracks under the slight weight of the boy’s foot.  His foot comes back up the slams down, taking with it the cemetery and the barber shop and several other businesses and homes.  His foot is still stomping Chocolate Town when Mommy comes back from the kitchen.  He collapses, crying.  Mommy is there so quick, holding him, smothering him with her arms.  Whispering in his ear, telling him things would be alright.  Telling him things were going to end soon. 

 

And you knock the kids about a bit, until they feel the same. And they feel like knocking down the little palaces.

 

The following story is based on the song “Little Palaces” by Elvis Costello.  All italicized words are the original material of Elvis Costello.

Reviews

[A.L. James]

This is very sad. Did you have to endure this as a child? This would never be something you could have published, but it says a great deal about you. The palaces can be rebuilt as an adult, but you absolutely MUST get professional help to get past the programming. This should be listed as mature audiences only. It is definately not something you would want little ones to read.
I struggled with my own dragons for years, and then I saw my self desperately wanting to do those same things to one of my kids. I sent the kid to grandma's house ( paternal grandma, not monster grandma) and got counciling.
All better now....