May 6

The pain of a relationship.

I reach out to you. And I fumble for your presences in the darkness. I’m trying to grip the essences of your existence, but my hands remain empty. My heart beats through my chest...pounding and pounding like the thoughts that bang loudly against the walls. I’m constantly in darkness because the light causes the nightmares to go away, but with those nightmares comes your face. So I pray until I feel like God ears bleed that He’ll take the pain that I have in my heart away.  You have to know what you’ve done to me. You can’t get to break my heart with your words to fill the void that you need at any moment and come back later to dilute my strong feelings. It’s your way with words...that causes me to breakdown or get lifted. You’re the puppet master of my emotions. I was already broken you just took a knife and stabbed me deeper until the numbness that I felt at first became more numb and now I feel it in all my five senses. Crying doesn’t take the pain away, it just suppresses the hurt and some of the weaknesses leaves my body. You would never tell me that you love me, because you’re saving it for the right time to damage me forever. Just when I think we’re good, the universe slaps me in my face and you bury my lifeless body with the same words that you said 6 months,22 days, and 3 seconds ago. If I could have a chance to turn back the hands of time. I would’ve only said, hello to you instead. The guilt that I have bottled inside me, now has to be bestowed upon you when karma comes back and devours you. I don’t hate you and I don’t wish ill will, I just want you to feel how I feel. I want you to watch the shadows on the wall late at night of the lies we lived in a short time. I want you to know what it’s like to have a life full of insecurities and wonder why you was never good enough for the one person you wanted to change the world for. I wanted to love you, yes you black man so hard that you forgot the whole world was against you. I want you to know that I had all of my faith in you, and I guess that’s where I was wrong because putting all your faith in man will have some repercussions, but when God said have faith of a mustard seed and I’ll never leave or forsake you and I gave that much faith and never felt like I was ever alone, but I gave my all to you and never felt so lonely in my life. Now when a man sees me for the person I really am, and wants to love me, I’m confused...I’m damaged goods, and I question his reasonings for being attracted to someone like me. You broke my heart without a gun to your head and I hate myself for allowing you to kill me. All I wanted was love, and understanding in a world where monogamy is rarely displayed. Love is patience and kind, and it’s not suppose to have you crying from heartache. I was already broken, but I thought if I could put my love to good use and love you then life would be worth living even if it meant putting you first. I’m dealing with depression, I’m tackling anxiety, I’m addressing the insecurities, so you would think self care was number on the list, but loving you was what kept me alive. Love kept me alive, although it wasn’t with myself, love kept me alive to see you for who you were. Love didn’t save me from the death I endured, but it did give me a valuable lesson to be selfish with myself and love me. I just wish I would’ve learned it before you pulled your love away and killed me. 

Author's Note

Honest, but positive feedback.