my heavy heart

a post from my tumblr i did, current feelings on today.

my heavy heart

I usually don’t post on here about my personal life mainly because I just post pictures of what I like and that’s all I see Tumblr is, however, I’m confiding in Tumblr right now because I feel like no one cares about what happened today.

After three weeks of keeping an eye on stuff, I was diagnosed with Depression again after months of a long remission. I feel very heavy, very… worn down. The past year/two years were very stressful and I’m still trying to find out why I kept myself alive throughout the fight. I mean, I know people have it worse than me, I could be worse, I could have it worse, but it’s so upsetting to watch myself fall apart. My suicide attempt last year still weighs on me, it still haunts me, so do all the times I broke down in the middle of school. All of it still haunts me, I’ve blacked out most of yelling and fighting, but there’s still things in the back of my head that can’t be easily forgotten. I feel like I have no one to cry on right now because of everything that’s weighing me down, I’m in tears as I write this and wondering if I’ll ever be completely happy.

I remember actually waiting until gym so I could cry, so I could get it all out, so I could feel better. I remember being asked countless times “Are you crying?” and shaking my head, no, saying my eyes were just irritated or they had been watering all day. The person that means everything to me is in the hospital and I’m worried about him, even if he doesn’t know I exists. The only person that I felt like I could confide in through their lyrics is in the hospital, I feel very alone in this. I feel alone most of the time, even if I have family all around, I feel very alone, like this is never ending. My heart is very heavy with sadness and grief, and it aches. It aches very to the point of bringing me to tears, I wish depression was a person so I could I actually fight it, but if I did, I would be beating up myself. I would be battling myself because I am my own enemy, I’ve never thought I could hate myself so much for letting this happen again. I thought this was over. I’m almost a Junior in high school and I’m still grieving over my freshman year, I’m still sad, alone and uncomfortable in my own skin.

I wish this fight was over and someone would just tell me that I’m gonna be okay, that I’ll be okay because I’m not so sure anymore.

Sorry.