I Could Have Died!

A Story by prettyboy

The roommates have not paid the phone bill. There are shenanigans.

He walked up the stairs gripping onto the plastic handles and feeling, with wave of worry, the plastic stretching menacingly. His footsteps echoed around the hallway. He heard scuffling, coming from far off and coming towards the door which he was to enter in a few seconds.

“If anyone is eavesdropping at the door I would like to point out that I am coming up the stairs now and I am not a serial killer coming to murder you.”

He heard rustling and scuffling, he could imagine easily him desperately running to get back to the living room and arrange himself so he looks nonchalant.

“Ha ha ha ha,” he heard loud and obviously fake laughter as soon as he entered the house.

Mickey lounged telephone in hand and one leg carelessly crossed over the other. He looked up, supposedly noticing Arthur for the first time and hastily said, “Sorry I have to go, Arthur’s here…yes…of yes…yes I know, he’s such a bore isn’t he…yes I do have to…you know what he’s like…yep…uh huh...yesss…”

Mickey glanced up at Arthur and watched him as he leaned down to the receiver slowly, “Yep…yep…got to go…yeah I know…of course…I wish I could…bye.”

Mickey finally placed the telephone back in its cradle with a large bang and leaned back, placing his hands behind his head. He looked over at Arthur, who stood in the doorway laden with five full bags of groceries.

“Ahhh Arthur,” Mickey said and then paused, “Telephone conversations are so refreshing aren’t they Arthur?”

“I wouldn’t know Mickey,” said Arthur moving off to the kitchen and Mickey had to strain his neck around to watch him.

“Yes,” Mickey said smiling at him patronizingly, “I bet you don’t get many phone calls.”

“Actually I am surprised that you know about the refreshing quality of telephone conversation Mickey,” said Arthur, who was in the middle of putting a packet of pasta in a cupboard.

“Oh really,” said Mickey sneering, “Well, I’ll have you know I am very popular. I get at least one phone call every week. Sometimes one every day. I even sometimes have to call people back later because I was busy at the time they called talking to someone else of the telephone. But I guess you wouldn’t know about that. You’re always doing boring things like,” he nodded at the plastic bags on the bench, “groceries.”

“No, no, Mickey…I was just a bit surprised because we didn’t pay the phone bill this week.”

Mickey, who had stood up during his last rave, sat down heavily.

“What?”

“Yeah,” said Arthur looking up for the first time since he went to the kitchen and leaning across the table, “we couldn’t afford it because we had to pay for boring stuff like,” he gestures to the plastic bags, “groceries.”

“Well,” Mickey said standing up again and placing his hands on his hips, “well, that is just great. What if I needed to use the phone for something?”

When this outburst didn’t create the desired response from Arthur he continued with, “What if there was a fire? What if a burglar broke in?”

Mickey crossed the room in two strides and leant across the kitchen bench so he was practically nose-to-nose with Arthur.

“What if I had had a fit? How would you call the ambulance? I could have died!” Mickey exclaimed, panic seeping into his voice.

Arthur sighed and looked up at him, unfazed by the angry face millimetres from his face.

“Well you didn’t die did you?”

“That’s not that point!” said Mickey waving his hands and pacing across the kitchen, “That is not the point!”

“Then what is the point?” asked Arthur, clearly exasperated.

“The point is,” Mickey began, “The point is that I could have…I could have died.”

Arthur rolled his eyes as Mickey dramatically flung himself in his arm chair and lay their unmoving, dead to the world. Arthur knew it was never a good idea to leave Mickey all alone for too long. The house was always a wreck and he sulked for days afterwards. He was the most difficult roommate that Arthur had ever had. But at least he did not feel the need to have a ‘catchphrase’ and say it at every available moment, no matter how inappropriate.

“I am mean really,” said Mickey sitting up quickly, instantaneously revitalised, “What would we do if something bad happened?”

“I notice we are completely ignoring the fact that you were having a pretend phone conversation to pretend that you weren’t sitting in that chair facing the door eagerly awaiting my return.”

Mickey got up and walked over to the bench. He swayed heavily when walking, then leant down and placed his elbows on the bench.

“Arthur, Arthur, Arthur,” Mickey said looking up at the afore mentioned and shaking his head, “Just because when I go out you spend all your time pinning for me doesn’t mean I do.”

“I have not pined in my whole life,” said Arthur spitting out the word ‘pined’ with distaste.

“Whatever you say,” said Mickey walking back to his chair with a little pity in his voice.

Suddenly there were footsteps on the stairs and before Arthur had time to comment on this oddity someone burst into the living room.

“Hand up! Don’t move!” said the intruder brandishing a gun in both hands.

Mickey stood up out of his chair quickly, his face white. Arthur dropped the can of tomatoes with a clatter on the bench and watched it spin a little before stopping.

“Right,” said the intruder, his face was covered with a black mask, “Right what’s going to happen is you guys are going to telephone your friends and family and if they don’t come up with a million dollars within a week…I am going to blow your brains out.”

“Umm,” Mickey said giggling a bit and sharing a look with Arthur.

The intruder interrupted quickly, pointing the gun in Mickey’s face, “Starting with you.”

“I think,” Arthur began, but then stopped as the gun was pointed at him; he regained his composure and began again, “I think he was trying to say that we can’t phone anyone because we didn’t pay the phone bill.”

The intruder looked at them both and was silent.

“The funny thing is,” Mickey said smiling a little, “The funny thing is that just before you came in, right? Just before you came in I was telling Arthur off for not paying the phone bill. I mean that hilarious right?”

The intruder didn’t seem to know what to do and he stood their looking helpless. Arthur guessed that this was his first time; he didn’t seem to have thought his plan through very well.

Mickey turned his gaze on Arthur and said, teasing, “I told you something like this would happen didn’t I, some situation where we needed a phone?”

“Wait,” the intruder started, he wasn’t pointing the gun anymore it hung limp from his hand useless, “You didn’t pay the phone bill?”

“We needed groceries and stuff!” Arthur exclaimed, feeling a strange need to defend himself from this stranger.

The intruder looked over at Mickey, who was looking at him expectantly, and then looked back at Arthur, “Well that’s stupid; I mean what if he had a fit or something like that? Would you just let him die?”

© 2012 prettyboy

Author's Note

Did this for a writing prompt, "The roommates have not paid the phone bill."
Did it a long time ago, don't know if it's of any quality. Didn't do a read-through. Another attempt-at-humour.