Valley of Love

You are the girl I used to see in my vision

You are the girl I used to dream

You are the girl I used to think that'll take me away from my own prison

You are the ocean where I know I want to sink

Give me the chance to hug myself into your life

As you know I'll never put you aside

Come be in my arms;

Be in my soul,

Be in the waves of every shore.

Be in the winter cold

Be in the despair of old

Be in the autumn's falling leaves

Be in the spring's belief

Be on a sunny day

Be in the brimming May.

 

Come.

As I'll take you to the Valley of Love..............

Reviews

[Lady of the Lake]

This was a nice poem :) I liked the repetition and rhyme scheme :) What I ESPECIALLY liked, however, was HOW you used your rhyme scheme and the repetition. It was clever of you to use the repetitions and rhymes to emphasize the shift in tone, from the general "I love this girl" verses 1-4 to the "I want to be with this girl" verses 5-17. The imperative also forces the reader to really see the tonal shift as well when you switch from declarative, “You are the girl […]” and “As you know I’ll never put you aside”, to imperative with all of your commanding “Be in”s haha :)
Just wow. This poem was really good. I'm a little confused though because to me this poem actually feels a little dark (subtly) and I don’t know if that was your intention; the commands (“Be in my soul”) are forceful as opposed to loving, and “be in the winter cold” as well as “be in the despair of old” and “be in the autumn’s leaves” have dark connotations, but then you switch to a positive tone right after them with “spring’s belief” and “sunny day” and such. So, I’m not sure if I’m imagining the darkness in your poem – if so, I apologize haha; I’m no poet. But, in any case, my questions to you are these:
1) Did you intend the confusing connotations in the area with all the “Be in”s to express the fact that love can be difficult? If so, then this is perfect. If not, I would try and work on the tone of your 10th to 12th verses.
2) Do you want your poem to come off as being a little dark? Then the imperative and the darker connotations are excellent. If it wasn’t what you had intended, you could perhaps change the imperatives to interrogatives – that could work maybe – and also changing the darker sentences to more positive ones.
The constructive criticism I offer above might be flawed, however, because I’m only human and so my interpretations of poems and such can be (and most probably are) imperfect. So, take all that I’ve said here with a good pinch of scepticism, and ask other people what they think just to make sure you don’t change your poem for nothing :)
Overall, however, I thought this was a very good poem – probably my favourite out of all of your poems that I’ve read so far :) Your technique – in my humble non-poet opinion – was really impressive. Also, I think your grammar, spelling and sentence structure are improving quite a bit, which is equally impressive.
Good job, and as always keep writing! :)

[Deepankar]

woo.. First of all thank U very very much for your words above. Longest review ever :D So special thanks for your time, trying to improve and correct me in every possible way.
So now, Best of mine?? Really........ :)
So first of all I'll start with where I'd written this (from minutest detail)..
I wrote this in office, bored and alone, when suddenly thoughts started to emerge and with it the emotions too. It wasn't meant for a particular girl so the love here is in, if I can say a general outburst (in the name of LOVE).. I'd started by telling how much I love this girl but later my thoughts and emotion took me somewhere else, where I saw her in those little details I'd penned down. So at last, I tell her "Come, As I'll take you to the Valley of Love" with me, so that I can have and see her for real on all of those visions and emotions I had for her.
I hope I explained it well enough.. Because, I really face hard times when it comes down to explaining what I'd written down in every detail.. When thoughts and emotions are bulking upon my head I try to pen it down. All the outbursts and emotions, and I get lost in some kind of trance, if I can say that. And after its done I see all those emotions on the paper and I feel light and empty.. So its a little tough for me... I don't know what this is or How I can avoid or improve upon it...........
Atlast, thank you once again for your review, which really keeps me going..
THANK U :)

[Lady of the Lake]

No problem! I really enjoyed this poem! I don't think you need to necessarily AVOID or IMPROVE the manner in which you write your poetry :) I think the fact that you're writing down what you're feeling is excellent, and definitely what a poet is supposed to do :) I guess I'm stuck thinking in terms of novels and short stories with characters as opposed to real people (remember, I’m no poet :P). So, when I gave you that review I forgot to turn off my "character mind" and so thought the poem’s voice was that of a character and not a real person, haha. So, anyway, my point is that you can pretty much disregard my review since you’re poem is about your real emotions as opposed to characters haha :) And, yes I really do think this is the best poem of yours that I’ve read HOWEVER I haven’t read all of them so there could be an even more exquisite one hidden somewhere on your profile haha :)
Also, I think I understand what you were trying to express a little bit more, thank you for the explanation :)
Keep up the impressive work! :)

[Lady of the Lake]

I hadn't really realized how long my review was until I saw it again just now haha

[Antara Kundu]

"You are the girl I used to think that'll take me away from my own prison / You are the ocean where I know I want to sink" - I loved this extract Deepankar, though some of the other lines sounded cliche. But then, almost every other Indian adolescent is bent on composing romantic poems in their high school/college days - making love as a theme somewhat hackneyed . Overall, the poem is good for a spontaneous outburst - but you could further work upon it to make it more original and fresher.

[Deepankar]

thank U.....
n ya i'll try to... n more importantly improve upon my writing...... suggestions and comments like yours' will surely help me get there.. Hope :)

[Kate Ruta]

I like this.

[Deepankar]

Thank You Very Much.... :)

[Holly Mason]

very sweet truly
written openly and so honest
like the title and the way you tie it in to your work
a lucky girl she will be!!!
thank you so for sharing

[Deepankar]

thanks.... Had written it in office while sitting idle.......
But the irony is it was written for none.... I mean not for a specific GIRL..... It was just an emotional outburst, if can say that :)
Thanks

[Holly Mason]

well then in my eyes it makes it even better*)

[~SouthernGirl~]

Wow.. This is wonderful. I love this. The imagery and flow is great. I love this. Great write. :)

[Deepankar]

thank U very much....

[~SouthernGirl~]

Your welcome. :)