Sea of Deception

Pain of a love lost in betrayal.

Lonely & inebriated, I think about you,
A tempest rages in my mind,
The ship of sanity totters with sails askew,
The land of hope, nowhere can I find.

Memories flooding my mind,
Wish I could drown in this stupor,
Amidst a raging sea, no place to hide,
A saving hand, none has to offer.

Adrift in this sea of loneliness,
Battered by the fury of the guide,
Staring into the depths of a whirling abyss,
To sink is the call of the mind.

Prolonged is this bottomless falling,
Hastened by the weight of rejection,
All resolve, in this pain seems to be failing,
Soul darkened by the blackness of deception.

Reviews

[Ally Monique]

Despite the lack of company out at sea, I've never felt alone. Memories of those I love are enough to keep me preoccupied. To me, the sea is a safe-haven, where I can escape the deception and corruption of the world. However, I have always loved the metaphor of the sea being a place to drown in loneliness & sadness, it fits well! :)
Rejection from those we love can bring us to dark places.

[Poetic Nuance]

The pain of a heart break can be overwhelming for some. So true your last sentence. Thank you for your comments. :)

[Sreenath]

the emotion flows as stream i this piece... pleasure reading this :)

[Poetic Nuance]

Thank you so much for commenting. The pleasure is all mine. :)

[Wandering Minstrel]

A powerful piece with unforgettable phrasing that really hits home.

[Poetic Nuance]

Thank you. Glad to know this worked for you. Appreciate your comments. :)

[Susan Beth Horvath]

Rich in indelible imagery and descriptive language.

[Poetic Nuance]

Thank you so much. Glad you like it. :)

[misfit_joker]

Very much like a boat the heart can be. Beaten and tested during times of the storm (breakup) and when it sinks, you're left with the decision to sink with it or swim. Love the poem and continue writing.

[Poetic Nuance]

Very poetic..:)

[Willow Radcliffe]

I love the way you used imagery of the sea to represent the emotions. I hate to reference to Latin literature, but it reminds me of Horace's A Ship of State in Troubled Waters

[Poetic Nuance]

Thank you for liking it. I will definitely try and read the poem that you are mentioning. I am sure there will be english translations available of the poem you have mentioned. :)

[Anne Timmins]

This is very cleverly written... the way you gradually unravel the ending, and your dramatic phrasing, are superb. Well done

[Poetic Nuance]

Very glad you liked the poem. Really appreciate your comments. Thank you so much. :)

[John Anderson]

Powerful language magnificently phrased

[Poetic Nuance]

Thank you. Appreciate your comments. :)

[Daydreamer]

"Prolonged is this bottomless falling,
Hastened by the weight of rejection"
-Dear Lord! What a tremendous description of your state
♥

[Poetic Nuance]

Thank you very much. Really glad you liked it. :)

[Daydreamer]

You are most welcome :)
would love your visit sometime :)
take care!

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

This is very nicely written, I love how you used the ship and the raging sea, it showed the emotion perfectly throughout the whole thing. I also like how it flows, a very well done piece and a good picture to go with it.

Great Job

[Poetic Nuance]

Thank you so much for commenting. I am glad that you like this poem. :)

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

You're welcome ^^

[Nusquam Esse]

I enjoyed the juxtaposition of an uncertain and conflicted mind, consumed in its loneliness and betrayal, with the fury of a storm which refuses safe passage for those trapped within.
I will list some improvements that came to mind, take them as you will,

Alright, I will go into a detailed analysis of the lines, but first, let me mention some overlying issues that I noticed. First, beware of repetition; the most prominent culprit that I am noticing is how much you use 'mind'. Ending three lines in a shorter poem with the same word is generally taboo, unless it is for the sake of alliteration. In this case, it feels more like lackluster word choice.
Next, since you are keeping a structure similar to a sonnet (alternating rhyme scheme on quatrain stanzas) I suggest trying to tweak the poem to fit some form of meter. The standard of sonnets is iambic pentameter; but you don't need to go all the way and make it a tight formed poem. Rather, I suggest trying to get rhyming lines in the poem to be roughly the same number of syllables as their counterparts. This will help the lines flow smoothly, and to establish a solid rhythm when spoken aloud.

This may be minor but the & is distracting for me, I would probably just put a comma after Lonely, to help it hang for a moment before moving along, "Lonely, inebriated, I think about you."
This is not a problem, but I felt the second line didn't flow as well as it could have. Maybe try, "As tempests ravage my mind."?
Both the third and fourth lines open with 'the', I personally find the word unnecessary and cumbersome unless you need to emphasize singularity. I recommend either replacing the first 'the' with 'My', or replacing the other 'the' with 'A'.
I also found the "nowhere can I find" needlessly wordy, especially when comparing it to the second line, the number of syllables feel too off to rationalize this; see about tweaking it a bit if you decide to work on standardizing the meter.
The second and third stanzas don't have any specific issues; just the 'mind' thing, and conforming it to a meter should help it. I would also recommend to try throwing in some more creative metaphors to help lines stand out. ex. 'flooding' has many similar words which carry more expressive and emotive nuances. With those words available, flooding seems bland in comparison.
I feel that there could be a better word choice for 'bottomless falling', "endless descent" or "cadence devoid" are some suggestions off the top of my head; but they would require some reworking of the rhyme in the third line...
Likewise, 'burden' seems a better choice than 'weight', simply because it carries a more 'dismal' nuance.
The third line here is rather wordy, and its meaning isn't very clear... and not in the good 'ambiguous way', but more along the lines of poor syntax. Even if you don't need to restructure for an alternative rhyme, I recommend taking a look at the syntax, and finding a way to make it work better.
then for the final line, 'blackness' seems to be an awkward word choice, I recommend looking for an alternative word-choice, perhaps 'pitch'? Another option would be "Soul tainted by the darkness of deception." All in all, I also feel that the poem really lacks a strong finishing line, which wraps it all together and leaves its traces lingering on the mind; I recommend thinking of a final single line, to leave all by itself at the end. A line which will give all the loneliness and turbulence a meaning and drive to it.

[Poetic Nuance]

Thank you so much for your comments & more importantly for the time you spent in this review. I liked most of the suggestions you have made. The usage of the word mind was intentional. Sadness or loneliness are states of your mind. Therefore, in addition to creating that linkage, it was also to show the different stages of the mind that are developing as the feelings are setting in. I had tried darkness for deception. But it doesn't quite convey the feeling & felt blackness does it better. Even you suggestion of pitch is incomplete without black added to it. I felt the last line was the essence of the poem itself & where it all came from. The sense of betrayal that drove a person into this state of mind without which the poem loses its central idea. Thank you for your review. I will keep these suggestions in mind when I write poetry in the future. Please do review my other poems if you have the time & the inclination :)

[Nusquam Esse]

I got an RR, probably because you won a contest?

[Poetic Nuance]

Sorry, I posted that comment in a different area. :)