Sands of time

I'm sure you will now figure it out..

I don't know what I'm doing
Its all too misconstruing

My thoughts are clouded
My judgements shrouded

I've been here once before
But its been washed ashore

One would say its time to investigate
But its all up for debate

You control of the sands of time
Their ticking away like a chime

I've made up my mind
I hope yours is of the same kind

 But I'll wait patiently for what you have to say
Until then I'll keep my tongue at bay

Written on May 31,  2011 *(5-31-11)*

Author's Note

*Tell me your thoughts, if you can relate?

Reviews

[poetry-kiddo alienbaba]

erm...no
I cant get the gist of this...yet."You control of the sands of time
Their ticking away like a chime"
But I like its pattern....its so tick-tock like...lol

[David Michael]

Your poems have such great potential. I might have said this before - can't remember - but (for the most part) I like your rhyming style. Even though you're rhyming all the time, you avoid being sing-songy. (There have been a couple time when a rhyme seemed forced, but oh well. That happens.) And your imagery can also be superb at times, really drawing in the reader. I also like straightforward poems, where you can extract at least some meaning at face value - though it's always cool when there's hidden depth or allusions to things. And you're do that.

The one thing though that I'd really like to see you work on is your flow. I know, I know, I keep blabbing about that, why can't I just give it a rest, right? But flow, whether in poetry, stories, an academic essay, or a song, has so much to do with whether a read is enjoyable or not. And a reader might not even be able to put their finger on it - they'll just realize they don't really like reading one person, and do like reading another.

With that in mind, I can tell you put a lot of thought into what you're saying, and your rhyming, and your imagery. Think also about rhythm and meter (elements of flow specific to poetry). Here's my idea for this poem, see what you think:

The first stanza sets up a rhythm, and then the second does something unexpected. This is really cool, and should be repeated. oK, so the third stanza goes back to the first rhythm. Now, why can't the fourth stanza mirror the second? You could reword it, "Time to investigate / It's up for debate". I mean, not all those other words are necessary anyways, and poetry's all about not using extra words. Now both the second and fourth stanza would have shorter lines. You might even show this change in rhythm by indenting the second and fourth stanzas. (A quick note on the fifth stanza. I'd reword the first line to "You control the sands of time", which says the same thing and mirrors the original first line better.)

The sixth stanza's a little trickier, not sure how to make it conform. The first line is fine, but the second line can't be reduced. Instead, I propose a rewording, which still has a lot of the same meaning if the reader thinks about it a second: "I hope we're aligned." You would then, as far as each stanza's rhythm scheme goes, have ABABABA, with the final A stanza feeling slightly extended, which is oK.

Just think about it, or you can message me and tell me what you think (or chew me out; I'll accept your wrath!). Hope it helps in some way!

Oh, by the way, I did like it! Got all excited about talking to you about that stuff that I forgot to mention the poem itself! haha

[Sujash I. Purna]

A few grammatical errors. But they are necessary when a poet flies in another world unbound, unfettered. Your thoughts know how to float on all right! A wonderful creation. Kudos!

[ImagineItAll]

Again, your style is fantastic!

[nothingnothingforgetfor..]

Very sad atmosphere surrounding this piece. but excellent nonetheless. I wish you the best if your going through hard times.

[Kestrova]

This piece has a very pleasant rhyming scheme, though the rhythm seems a bit off at times. It doesn't detract from the poem in my opinion, but adds to it in an interesting way. :) I loved reading this, it's great!

[Time.]

Erin this amazing (:

[Time.]

I love this one erin, It gives all of us writerscafe and idea of what's going on in your mind. :)) Great poem

[Rose Tyler]

I love you, Erin. Always.
I'm 3/4 asleep as i write this, btw..