Depression

An attempt at conveying the essence of depression.

We all live in tiny compartments of space. Billions of people go home to tiny areas they spend most of their lives in, ever-consumed in their personal lives. We rarely think of how small we are. A somber, realist approach says that we are so small, in the big scheme of things, nothing we do will ever be of any importance. A person can take this and hide, or take it and run. The former option is the one I have taken for most of my life. If nothing I do matters, what’s the point in living? I cover up this ugly truth and push on. The latter option, to take the idea and run instead of hiding, is what I hope I can one day do. If nothing I do matters, then I can do anything I want without fear of failure. If nothing I do matters, why not dwell on happiness, peace, and love instead of sadness, fear, and misfortune? How I wish I could live my life like this.

Inhibiting me from this lifestyle is a simple phenomenon called clinical depression, mixed with anxiety. It cripples me. Difficult to put into words, depression can be likened to many things without squarely revealing it’s true essence. The true essence of depression is what a person feels during depressive attacks. A word I think fits closely to my experience with depression is emptiness. Thoughts swirl, worries compile, anxiety builds, pessimism rules, until at the peak of the mountain there is a calm. This calm is not peaceful. This calm is empty. Totally defeated, my mind takes mercy on me and the painful buildup of anxiety is over. All that is left is emptiness.

Reviews

[Nila M.]

You've described aspects of depression very well. I've suffered with clinical depression for most of my life and I know it can be totally debilitating at times. It is very hard to describe, the way it shuts you off is almost beyond belief. I think some don't understand the huge difference between 'feeling depressed' as a mood, and 'clinical depression' as a physical, emotional and health issue. It's nice to hear people speak up about something that many people find difficult to say.

[mercystateofmind]

the way you described what millions of people try and put into words, perfect. this is definitely something people can relate to, and use to voice what they cannot do for themselves.

[Frank]

You have taken one positive step, you have written down your thoughts on this illness in a coherent and balanced way. That is one step. I am not a doctor or therapist so I am limited in what I can say. The motto is: Do no harm!.

Its not an easy read, in the sense we don't enjoy reading bout suffering. Its clear you are suffering and I assume you want an end to it. I also assume you are seeking specialist help. I don't see your profile and don't even know where you live so I cannot relate. If you were living in the UK I could make some suggestions.

This is a flawed world and there is hatred and malice in many of our cities, there are people who would do you harm. Reading the newspapers we see evil on every page. This is depressing if we let it get to us. There of course your own past and feeling and those can be addresses and there is clinical depression of which I know nothing about.

There is also death and the fear of death. I met a young woman once who I knew was dying and yet could do nothing to help. Her view of her life and her view of how the world viewed her made her a victim. And yet I have met the most plainest of women who were radiant in the love of life. They turned their looks into something of no matter by their outlook. I have met people who had lost a loved one and although they were full of every gift God could bestow yet that grief of losing a loved one broke them, for a while.

Many people in grief seek out God, some seek HIM in religion, but in my own view He is already there in your heart. It is possible to seek HIm in your own heart and speak to HIM. It may help to read the Bible of the Hebrews and the New Testament, this will show you who HE is and what he expects of us and He will present a cure fpr death, if it is death that haunts you. Beware of false religion and false gods, cults and sects that seek to control.

After all these yeas of suffering you may as well try to seek God, you have nothing to lose. Even f you have no interest in God there is beauty in he Bible especially the poetic books: Job, Psalms, Song of Songs, Wisdom passages in Proverbs etc. Just a suggestion.

I hope you do continue with your writing and reading on-line on this site, there is much beauty in much of the poetry and I wish you evry happiness and freedom from this terrible depression.

[Captain Rilen]

All I know to say is that I understand. Emptiness has taken over my life when things have become altogether too stressful. I think it's our mind's way of defending itself from some of the dangers of anxiety, despite it being completely numbing. Good luck, I'm glad to have read this.

[Lizardo]

I learned something new, But I do know that we are literally nothing compared to things in the universe, earth is just a simple Molecule.
I'm becoming a fan of your work, Great piece of work!

[Joseph Morrow]

That is true, we are not nothing, but we sure are very close to it. Thank you very much for your reviews, I can't say I don't enjoy the praise.

[Coyote Poetry]

A interesting story. We would need a pot of coffee and time to discuss. I enjoy your story. Make me want to create.
"This calm is not peaceful. This calm is empty. Totally defeated, my mind takes mercy on me and the painful buildup of anxiety is over. All that is left is emptiness. "
The above lines are true. When we have only emptiness left. What is left? Thank you for sharing the outstanding story.
Coyote

[Joseph Morrow]

Thank you very much, sharing my writing has given me unexpected joy.

Emptiness is a terrible feeling indeed but luckily it visits me infrequently.

[Coyote Poetry]

Me too. I try to stay positive for my family and you are welcome.