Piranha

old wounds

When I am one with you, and you are one with me,

When you’re so close to come, you wouldn’t dream to run away from me,

They say that there are plenty more fishies in that deep, blue sea,

I spy a piranha darting through the murk, come to bite you with a lie.

She sinks her teeth right in your chest, poisons you against me,

When I’m so close to come, you stop me with a tease, a tease, a tease,

When the cries end and the ocean dries, and all the fishies finally die,

I’ll be standing where she’ll fall, come to bite you for revenge.

Reviews

[Aethereal]

I enjoyed the piranha metaphor that you used here. Perhaps you could have added more rhythm to your poem in the following way. ( Your first line with added contractions was golden. I wish that I had thought of it. )

"When I'm one with you,
and you're one with me,"
all our skies are blue,
and we're truly free.

[popourii]

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

[zainul]

The piranha seems to be the symbol of greed of other fishies who strive to take away your beloved person.Again you yourself turn to be a piranha to take revenge when the fishies are gone and the ocean dries.

[Shivam Murari]

Ok I think the rhyming thing didn't really work and you gave up on it in the second stanza. Never do it! Never ever do it! If you are writing a blind verse, the whole poem should have no rhyme, not even unintentional ones. And if you are trying to write a poem with rhymes (in which you failed even in the first stanza), you should continue it. You can change the rhyming schemes, but don't make it zero. The flow is erratic. The technicalities are all failure.

Coming to the content, it is nice. The meaning comes across. A little cliched, but still nice.
I have read better works of yours and when I saw this read request, I was, kind of, excited. But you let me down horribly.
Best of luck next time! :-)

[unsavable_soul]

Ouch,
Very nice write Popuorii. you really drive home a darkness within this write, The piranha was not what i feared in the end, it was you and the waters drying. Revenge is a powerful emotion but most often more destructive to the person wanting vengeance than to those we seek to impose that vengeance on. Great write with much emotion and haunting description. Thanks for this, sorry for my delay.
Sincerely
Christopher
100/100

[Brian]

This and Cheat are two great poems!!! The metaphor here is simple and relate-able (I hate it when people make an effort to make poems complex so few can understand or relate to them). Too many times has a piranha fucked me over. I know where you're coming from with this poem. On a technical note, I'm not a huge fan of rhyming a word with the same word. Maybe there is a way you can arrange the first two lines such that "me" isn't the rhyme for "me." Unless you weren't going for a rhyme there. In that case, just leave it haha. Btw, I really like the way you start the second line of both stanzas. First you talk about the "you" and then you talk about yourself but you use the same kind of wording. I've read a few other poems of yours and can't wait to read more!

[Entropy of the mind]

wonderful work.
I just have to point out that I find the use of fishies in this poem very interesting and at this moment im not sure if I like it or not, but im leaning toward liking it - it gives the poem a maleficent feel, like a killer singing a lullaby.
Anyways I really liked this poem, it portrays a poisonous relationship well and really captures that emotion.
Good job.

[popourii]

Thank you for the honest feedback. I think I felt inclined to do that to use a type of perverted innocence, I guess. Much like how a relationship can seem that way in the beginning, but that innocence can be severely twisted or used against us.

[plainme]

pretty strong, very clear too. Straight forward but a lot said in a few words. Well done! good flow!

[popourii]

Thank you dear! Your kind words are much appreciated!

[Simon Welsh]

Revenge can be pernicious; even if only to the person trying to commit such.

[popourii]

Thank you for your insight! :)

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

idk what to say i didnt really like this one was a little weird for my liking just being straight out and honest its who i am dont take it personally just my opinion sure heaps of other people loved it keep writing :)

[popourii]

I can appreciate that. Not everything I write is going to well received and I'm always prepared to accept that.

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

im glad you don't take it personally. Just coz its not my kind of poem doesnt mean its not good :)

[absent]

This was an interesting take on a heavy topic, which I'm interpreting as a lover getting 'stolen' by another. The irony is in the innocence in words like "fishies". I liked the repetition in here, also, "a tease, a tease". A good write!

[popourii]

You interpret right :) I'm glad you enjoyed it.