A Little Story About Thoughts One Shouldn't Have

   She was looking down at her hands. On her right finger she saw the opal ring she received as a gift from her grandparents. Observing her left hand, she saw no adornments. No bracelets, no rings- just a hand. And even though what she would do next broke every law she made for herself when it came to this kind of thing, she did it anyway. Luckily, he was walking ahead of her when she decided to do so. Quickly but dreamily, with a strange hopeful- or was it sad?- look in her eyes, she switched the ring on her right finger to her left ring finger. She looked at it for a few seconds, allowing herself a small moment to picture it in her mind (for she knew it wouldn’t be long before he turned around again)- him kneeling down, professing his undying love, asking her to be his forever- the typical, cheesy scene. She couldn’t let it be original- there wasn’t enough time. And just as she saw him say “I do”, he began to turn around and she quickly slipped the ring back on to the proper finger. Just like that, her fantasy was over. She straightened up and her eyes widened when he looked at her, spoke to her, in fear that he may have seen what she had just done. But no, he didn’t, she was worried for nothing. And then they walked through the store, things back to normal- at least, she tried to get back into her usual mindset. 

   The whole time they were there and for the rest of the night after, she was having a raging battle with herself, fighting off thoughts of forever. Part of her wanted to just let her imagination run wild, but the other part, the logical, correct part, demanded her to stop. One small picture at a time would flash in her mind- the kiss that sealed the deal, the smiles that would follow, the dance, the endless love making on honeymoon vacation. Many, many small pictures that turned themselves into a cohesive mural. This upset her. She didn’t want to think about it anymore. She didn’t want to feel like that would ever happen- because it wouldn’t. It couldn’t. The hopeful, naive part of her that believed in defeating the odds held against young couples had vanished with the last one who promised forever. Or at least, she thought it had vanished.

   But it’s natural for a girl to fantasize about marriage, right? She tried to reason with herself.

   Sure, if you’re still in grade school. She countered herself.

   Sometimes I feel different with him, like it is going to last, like we have a real, genuine chance at having a life together, she tried to reel herself in, allow for it to be okay.

   But you know how you are with your beliefs on love, she argued. You really like the idea of forever, and want it now. At this point in your life, anything is possible. Anyone could leave.

   I suppose that’s true, she agreed, and gave up.

But the pictures don’t stop running through her head.

The nonexistent, most likely never to be captured, pictures.

It’s sick, really, that she does it to herself.

It’s not a typical story of a girl in love who is afraid to feel again.

It’s a girl trying to be smart, but she can’t read his mind. She can barely read her own.

So she wants to push the thoughts of forever aside, but once a dreamer always a dreamer, no matter how hard you try to use logic.

And that’s okay.

The pain will come eventually, and then it will pass, unless of course it is true love, then it won’t. That’s what she’s afraid of. Not feeling love, but that that love will be true love and she just doesn’t know it yet. If it is, she’s severely fucked. Because after that she will never be able to move on, never be able to give her heart fully to another man. And for the first time in her life she prayed and prayed, please don’t let it be love. Not until I know if he feels it first.

F**k.