BASEBALL STATS

BASEBALL STATS

(sung by Willie Nelson)

 

A radio program on baseball,

and the commentator comments on its lore,

love of stats concerning everything,

and baseball as metaphor.

 

Opening Day begins your life,

the season from boys of summer

to fall classic,

red, white and blue bunting and hoopla.

 

Not mentioned is winter ball in the tropics,

Latinos geared up with sugary margaritas

while we freeze our asses in the north,

shovel snow and slush, affix snow tires to our cars.

 

Such a fuss about the stats,

but I don’t think they are impressive

when compared

to my life.

 

Stolen bases: as a kid, I stole a chocolate bar

per day from Zach’s Variety,

at college, most textbooks.

Imagine charging $11.95 for a textbook!

 

Later, I stole money from the government

through a device named income tax,

my efforts puny compared to CEO’s,

but just the same, I stole my share.

 

I often thieved parking spots

from those arriving first, and as for stolen hearts,

I’ve claimed a few,

yet not even close to Madonna’s haul.

 

So when it comes to stealing,

Henderson, Brock, Cobb and Raines

are not considered

in my record book.

 

Home runs: there have been streaks,

countless bouts of diarrhea, and distance? Try this -

once, I ran from basement to first floor bathroom,

in use by my spouse, so I raced up yet another flight.

 

I should be in Cooperstown along with Mark McGuire,

but I did not employ steroids, although at times,

large amounts of alcohol,

young and entitled to mistakes.

 

Hits: should we talk about the time

when I couldn’t purchase car insurance

prone to myriad accidents

because of adverse weather and such?

 

Walks: I walk every day, and error’s

takes me back to my physics exam,

the entire province placed

on the Bell curve, twenty-eight a pass.

 

Enough said that baseball is a simple sport

replete with measurements galore;

it matters not how you played,

but just the final score.