CONSPIRACY THEORIES FOR SENIORS (MARCH 24, 2021)

 

 

The Retirement Coach by Mike Keenan

 

CONSPIRACY THEORIES FOR SENIORS (MARCH 24, 2021)

 

Seniors are surrounded by conspiracy theories that dominate the news, shaking trust in our fellows. These theories are often politically motivated and popularized by gullible people, incapable of critical thinking. In North America, that includes anyone exposed to public education. Just ask Betsy DeVos, Trump’s former Secretary of Education, who is dumber than a rock.

            Trump himself launched into politics via the birther conspiracy involving Barack Obama, insisting that Obama was not born in the USA, making him ineligible to be president. Trump enjoyed so much success that he invented one conspiracy after another for four years, employing terms like “hoax,” “witch hunt,” “deep state,” and his infamous “good people on both sides.” The aforementioned gullible types drank so much of his addictive Jim Jones-like Kool Aid, that U.S. democracy sprung many leaks, and Trump earned more than 70 million votes in the last election, featuring mass no-mask-or-social-distance rallies during a pandemic. Even though he lost the election, he claimed victory, and not only his gang of rabid followers believe him but also the Republican party itself that sank to deeper depths then blue whale poop.is Alas, on January 6, there was even an insurrection attempt featuring white supremacy gangs and Q-Anon adherents, one wearing horns and brandishing a spear attached to a U.S. flag.   

The problem with conspiracy theories is that, like religion, they become a matter of faith rather than something that can be proved or disproved, which can be embarrassing later when historical facts surface that distort one’s faith. For example, a recent Vatican report was filled with the sordid details of the rise and fall former Archbishop of Washington, Theodore McCarrick, detailing how then Pope and now Saint John Paul II, promoted McCarrick despite being aware of allegations that he was a predator who had sexually manipulated and abused seminarians.

Even saints are somewhat human, and can make mistakes, but it does threaten belief in religious tourism hot spots like Lourdes in France, Fatima in Portugal and Santiago de Compostella in Spain. Now if only a youngster in Fort Erie might one day see the image of God imprinted on a piece of toast. Aided by the Chamber of Commerce and the municipal CEO, that just might turn the sleepy town into a dynamite tourism destination that would take some pressure off of Niagara-on-the-Lake, inundated with Toronto’s weekend warrior, upwardly mobile, affluent set seeking momentary diversion through copious quantities of fermented grapes.

A current conspiracy issue involves vaccinations, Covid-19 relief, that has dramatically come to our rescue. Some believe that it’s part of a left-wing plot funded by George Soros for the U.N. to take control of the world, which is a joke because the five permanent members of the Security Council actually control the world, and they often disagree, utilizing a veto to stop others in their progressive tracks.

Social media aid and abet conspiracy theories, and savvy media moguls such as Australian Rupert Murdock has turned this debacle into a so-called TV news station, essentially a propaganda base. And now that he has a lot more free time to golf, Mr. Trump might, in kind, soon monetize this phenomenon. And seniors, so should we. It’s time that we established conspiracy theories that we might enjoy for ourselves. I will get you started, and if you email me your suggestions, I will, like Fox News, report them with utmost candor.

For my first theory, let me suggest that muffins from Harvest Barn are far better than smoking pot. Each morning along with coffee, they make seniors feel content. In the afternoon, one should get some exercise by strolling downtown and when there, why not reward yourself with ice cream from one of many vendors. Now, you will really feel content. My theory in essence: muffins and ice cream are the secrets to happiness.

United, seniors can become a strong political force. Given that “Sleepy Joe” Biden and “Moscow” Mitch McConnell are both 78 and Trump is 74, do you see an opportunity here? Nobody on your municipal council, especially the mayor should be younger than 70. “I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience,” Ronald Reagan quipped during the 1984 presidential debates when asked if, at 73, he was too old to be President.

This is our chance. I will organize the coup. If over 70, send me $15 for registration, and I will send you back a certificate authorizing your membership along with a MAGA (make aging great again) baseball cap.