WANTED: A PATRON SAINT FOR RETIREES

 

The Retirement Coach by Mike Keenan

 

WANTED: A PATRON SAINT FOR RETIREES

 

Retirees enjoy an abundant amount of leisure time, and that begins to explain why I was recently browsing through a thick New York City Public Library Reference Book when I happened upon an entire section devoted to patron saints.

Of course, thanks to myriad bribes by big business, modern day secular patronage is often associated with the dark side, connected with politicians, unscrupulous developers or other clandestine movers and shakers trying to make a fast, yet tarnished buck.

In heightened anticipation with this more positive spiritual spin on patronage, I skimmed the long, alphabetical list, noting with token interest that radio workers were represented by Saint Gabriel and sailors by both St. Brendan and St. Erasmus. Radio workers and sailors…. R & S, but nothing in between. No patron saint for retirees! What’s with that? How could the Vatican forget retirees? I guess cardinals and popes tend to hang in seemingly forever, but German pope Benedict retired, so there’s hope.

Clearly, someone up there in the nether regions of theological bureaucracy has made a serious blunder. Let’s be reasonable. There are saints recorded for every possible physical affliction from rheumatism to blindness to deafness, and heart patients alone are covered in order by James the Greater, Raphael, Francis de Sales and John of God, in case you were wondering. Four saints, one for each chamber of the heart! But not a soul for retirees? What’s going on here? There are 120 saints listed for every conceivable profession, avocation, and motley activity running the gamut from boy scouts to prisoners. What happened? Did they run out of saints? Doesn’t the pope create new saints in Rome every year?

I don’t want to complain. In fact, I’m not sure who to complain to, but let’s face it, having access to a patron saint denotes some clout, and it often protects one from certain dangerous perils. Travelers have long enjoyed St. Christopher. Even the lowly guy who delivers lukewarm pizza and greasy chicken wings in a silly-looking car, qualifies as a messenger, and is protected by Saint Gabriel. For retirees, nobody! Something is amiss.

Remember that skinny, chain-smoking priest on Saturday Night Live? His name was Father Guido Sarducci. He complained long and hard about the lack of home grown, North American saints compared with the seeming abundance of the Italian variety. To be a saint, you need credit for a minimum of two miracles. Sarducci maintained that most of the Italian saints’ miracles were, in fact, mere card tricks, nothing ecclesiastically special compared with the true marvels of native Americans, most of whom had been meanly shut out. Well, it’s high time for some new saints, and first on the list should be a patron saint for retired people!

Let’s be reasonable. Some patron saints are privileged beyond belief, afforded an entire day, each year, every year, along with special perks like Hallmark cards, flower arrangements, ornaments, gifts, chocolates and the like. For example, St. Valentine’s Day for lovers, which just passed, and I do hope you treated your spouse to roses and chocolates. But really, do lovers need an entire day? How about ten minutes?

And there’s Mother’s Day (St. Monica) and of course, Father’s Day (St. Joseph). The professions are well represented. Bankers have St. Matthew. Lawyers choose between two -- Thomas Moore or Yves. Surgeons feast on three: Cosmas, Damian and Luke. Enough is enough! Let surgeons pick their top two saints and give the third to retirees.

Many saints double up in their duties. St. Vitus, for example, is a switch hitter, batting both for dancers and comedians. But for true status, there’s Saint Albert the Great! Now, there’s a guy who enjoys some juice just from his name. However, he is already taken - by scientists! And, broadcasters boast not an ordinary, run-of-the-mill type saint but a full-fledged archangel, Gabriel!

Retirees occupy a desperate situation. Desperate situation! Let’s look that up. I think we finally have someone. Yes, we will have to settle for Saint Jude, at least until St. Antony the Abbot’s people come along with their shovels. They are the ones who specialize in six-foot-deep trenching, aka graves. Yes, even gravediggers have a patron saint.

 

 

Listen to Mike’s podcasts (humour, travel and poetry) at: The Retirement Coach: http://theretirementcoach.libsyn.com/ His book, ‘Don’t Ever Quit - a Journal of Coping with Crisis & Nourishing Spirit,’ is available in print & electronic format at Amazon: https://amzn.to/2KBdPWQ

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

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