HOMECOMING GAME

HOMECOMING GAME

 

Four aging, ex-varsity football teammates meet in a University boardroom in London, Ontario during their 50^th reunion, just after the autumn Homecoming football game.

 

Fred - a lawyer, 69.

Robbie - a teacher, 69.

Georg-" a doctor, 69.

Norm - a multi-millionaire businessman, 69.

 

 

FRED

 

Quite the battle today! Always close with Queen’s Golden Gaels. Our toughest rival.

 

ROBBIE

 

Yup. Games often decided by a field goal.

 

GEORGE

 

I relished playing them. A true test.

 

NORM

 

Epic conflicts. I have the scars to prove it.

 

GEORGE

 

They loved traps, guards and tackles pulling along the line of scrimmage.

 

NORM

 

Brutal. Once, Gordie, our middle linebacker, lost three teeth when he stuck his head too far into a hole.

 

GEORGE

 

When winning is what it’s all about, some players resort to anything.

 

ROBBIE

Even cheat.

 

NORM

 

That’s why refs are spread all over the field. Otherwise, it’s a bloodbath.

 

FRED

Somebody has to maintain order.

 

ROBBIE

 

You would know about that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NORM

 

I counted only ten who showed up. Thirty-three in the team picture. Less than a third. I sent emails to

everyone. What’s up? Not impressed. Homecoming used to be a big deal. Remember the parties?

The frat parties! Treated like gods. You couldn’t pay for beer. And the ladies. Yum!

 

GEORGE

 

What did you expect fifty years later? Four are dead for Christ-sake. I think Charlie has dementia. Carl is a GP in Dallas, Texas. A couple of guys live way out in B.C.  

 

NORM

 

Okay, but I flew all the way from Sydney, Australia! 9,574 miles; if you prefer metric - 15, 408 km!

 

FRED

 

You came to donate two million bucks to the University.

 

ROBBIE

 

To get elected to the Board of Governors.

 

NORM

 

Hamburgers have been lucrative! My ‘Hungry-Norm’ fast-food restaurants scattered all over the bloody country from Melbourne to Perth to Brisbane.

 

GEORGE

 

You want to know what’s more depressing than your fast-food - everyone was old, grey or bald. Our once invincible quarterback could hardly stay awake. Phil needs two canes to walk. Cam has to piss every ten minutes, complaining about his over-sized prostate. It was like being in the Emergency Ward, not a football stadium. Are we old and feeble or what?

 

FRED

 

Time takes its toll.

 

GEORGE

 

So do bennies, Fred. Remember the U. of T. playoff game when you fumbled three straight times?

 

FRED

 

An experiment. I tried it once.

 

  

ROBBIE

 

While the rest of us worked our asses off for you! Such a jerk. You let us down. You had no right to pull a stupid stunt like that in an important game. What the hell were you thinking? I’ve been angry with you for decades.

 

FRED

 

What can I say Robbie? What’s done is done.

 

NORM

 

Maybe not.

FRED

 

What’s that supposed to mean?

 

NORM

 

I know that you’re a lawyer, but I’m on the Board of Governors.

 

FRED

 

Big f*****g deal!

GEORGE

 

Fred, that’s why we’re here. It is a big deal.

 

FRED

 

Okay, stop pissing around with me like McGill; remember, (pointing at Robbie and George) you found the band’s instruments in our hotel the night before the game?

 

ROBBIE

 

The two of us side by side in Montreal, straddling the forty-five-yard-line for the kickoff, laughing our asses off when the band played ‘O Canada.’

 

GEORGE

 

We peed in the big, brass tuba.

 

FRED

 

So you were just as dumb as me.

 

NORM

 

No, not quite the same. It didn’t cost us a playoff game and a chance to win the Yates Cup. We had a great team that year. Beat Queen’s twice.

 

 

        ROBBIE

 

That’s why we’re here.

 

FRED

 

To do what?

ROBBIE

 

Address the situation.

 

FRED

 

What? Teach me a lesson? Give me a lecture? Kiss my a*s. I’m leaving. I don’t need this. Nice to see you boys. (Fred jumps up from his seat.)

 

NORM

 

(Norm grabs Fred with both hands.)  Hear us out. Please. Sit down. Remember when Alan Eagleson won the ‘Order of Canada?’ Se was such ae was H big shot in hockey. Stole money from Bobby Orr, challenged the Russians, ordered around NHL owners. A pompous a*s. Huge ego trip. They took it all away from him. Disbarred, removed from the Hockey Hockey all of Fame, lost the Order of Canada.

 

FRED

 

Thanks for the history lesson. What’s it got to do with me?

 

GEORGE

 

You were elected to Western’s ‘Hall of Fame’ thanks to Robbie and me blocking for all your touchdown runs? An inter-collegiate record; you were named to the ‘All-Star’ squad. Picture in the papers. All that fame.

 

ROBBIE

 

We set the record, not you. Every play, our line guaranteed you a five-yard gain. And sweeps. God, anyone could run on our sweeps, like the Green Bay Packers with Jim Taylor and Paul Hornung. Vince Lombardi would love us.

 

FRED

 

Always the educator. I did thank you in my acceptance speech. In fact, I went to great lengths to honour your contributions. Gracious, don’t you think?

 

GEORGE

 

You know I’m a surgeon, Fred; in my practice, I remove tumors. Some benign, some malignant. I’m pretty good with a scalpel. And now that Norm is on the Board, we have the power to remove you from the ‘Hall.’

 

 

 

FRED

 

You b******s. You wouldn’t dare do that.

 

GEORGE

 

Depends on you Fred. We don’t want to embarrass you or the school.

all of Fame

 

ROBBIE

 

Newspapers, TV, social media.

 

NORM

 

CBC, CNN, Fox News. Who knows, you might become infamous back home in Oz, where the Brits shipped all their convicts.

 

FRED

 

Stop playing games. What do you want?

 

ROBBIE

 

Maybe you should pull an Alan Eagleson.

ear me outHHH

 

FRED

 

Resign from the ‘Hall?’

GEORGE

 

A quick study. No wonder you’re accomplished in the courtroom.

 

NORM

 

Consider this our courtroom.

FRED

 

You want to shame me?

1

ROBBIE

 

We want what lawyers want.

GEORGE

 

And surgeons.

 

NORM

 

As a businessman, I prefer cash.

 

 

 

FRED

 

Humble me - is that it? Some sort of justice fifty friggin years after my stupid mistake.

 

ROBBIE

 

Like all those rookies you humbled on the ‘elephant walk?’

 

FRED

 

That was hazing. All teams did it.

GEORGE

 

Some hazing. Stripping twenty guys naked, lined up in single file on all fours.

 

ROBBIE

 

Tying white strips of one-foot-long tape nose-to-a*s; telling them it would be cut in half if dislodged.

 

NORM

 

You forced them to slither like snakes along the residence halls, up and down stairs. Passersby were shocked. Women shrieked at the sight, the rookies begging each guy in front to slow down.

 

ROBBIE

 

You loved it. All of it. Such a prick!

 

FRED

 

Fifty years, boys. The statute of limitations.

 

GEORGE

 

I took pictures. Look, here’s you at the head of the line, banging on your bongo drum, leading the way like the Pied Piper. You look amused. Big smile on your face.

 

FRED

 

S**t.

NORM

 

Those pictures and the bennies. We don’t think Board at this University will be impressed. What do you think, Fred?

 

FRED

 

Guys, look. This is all fun and games; are you trying ruin me? Think of my wife, kids, grand-kids, colleagues.

 

 

 

ROBBIE

 

Precisely. Think of your wife, children, grand-kids and colleagues.

 

FRED

 

(Starting to slowly sob) I…I…I was nineteen.

 

GEORGE

 

Not anymore.

NORM

 

Time to make amends.

ROBBIE

 

Think of this as a Homecoming game.

 

GEORGE

 

Without bennies.

NORM

 

Might be the best game you ever played.

 

FRED

 

What can I do? I don’t need the embarrassment. I’m sorry. I am.

 

ROBBIE

 

We talked about that.

 

GEORGE

 

What do they do with white collar criminals? Guys who can afford to hire expensive lawyers like you, Fred? There’s a phrase for it. Not the Latin mumbo jumbo that lawyers love to throw around to bulk up their fees. You know, habeas corpus, mutatis mutandis, pro bono, et cetera.

 

FRED

 

Very funny.

NORM

 

It’s called ‘public service.’ You serve tea to elderly women or food to poor people or pick up debris from off the street; something simple and sweet like that.

 

ROBBIE

 

I like the sound of public service.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GEORGE

 

It has a nice ring to it.

NORM

 

You should volunteer for public service.

 

FRED

 

You b******s.

 

ROBBIE

 

We might have won the Yates Cup.

 

GEORGE

 

"I coulda been a contender." We felt like Marlon Brando.  

 

NORM

 

Look Fred, the bottom line is that I will fit the financial bill. I have more than enough cash thanks to hamburgers, but as a lawyer, you will do your part - set up a non-profit corporation in London dedicated to keeping youth in athletics far away from drugs. You will also campaign vigorously against hazing in sport. All sport.

 

ROBBIE

 

Visit every school in this city.

 

GEORGE

 

We won’t let you turn our Hall into the Hall of Shame.allHH

 

 

NORM

 

The Board does not need to know about any of this.

 

ROBBIE

 

If you cooperate.

 

GEORGE

 

But if you don’t…

 

FRED

 

I will. I will do it.

 

 

NORM

 

We hoped you might see it our way.

 

ROBBIE

 

Just to reminisce, even with three f*****g fumbles, we almost won that game.

 

GEORGE

 

Fred, don’t fumble the ball again this time.

 

FRED

 

I won’t. (He leaves.)

 

NORM

 

Football is a great team sport.

 

ROBBIE

 

Everyone on the same page, executing assignments on every play.

 

NORM

 

Teamwork.

ROBBIE

 

One for all; all for one.

 

NORM

 

That has a nice ring to it.

 

ROBBIE

 

The guy who played the tuba seemed happier today.

 

GEORGE

 

The marching band exceptional as usual.all.H

H

 

GEORGE

 

And I think we did settle a score today; maybe played our best Homecoming game ever!

 

 

 

Author's Note

This is a 10-minute play written after a workshop through the Ottawa Independent Writers. My first foray into plays.