Shame

Thought process after self-harming. Reminds me not to do it. These consequences are NOT worth it. Getting better though! 4 months clean! :)

Shame. The feel of the hot water cascading down my back, running all over my shaken body. I am haunted by the demons that flock to and plague my vacant mind. The voices scream misfit. The blades ad glass that tore open my already jagged, scarred and imperfect skin, sit on the side of the tub, blood stained. I stare at them. They call me horrible, horrible things and taunt me to pick them up, glide them across my skin utilizing them, spilling my brokenness into the clean, pure water. How i long to be so perfect, untouched. Dried clotted blood begins to cover my open wounds that scream loneliness. Misguided. Again, the voices blare LOSER. STUPID. MISTAKE. Why can't these thoughts flee?! I am breaking apart. At first only on the inside Only for me to see, feel. But now? For others to know also..? Yes, much to my dismay. Without struggling, I'm judged. While i cry for help, judged. My soul is pleading for deliverance from these binding, restricting chains for mistakes and longing to please. Yet my body, now marked with another set of rough cuts, screams for relief. My makeup is now smeared and stained on may checks along with the tears of regret. Oh God, here come the flooding thoughts of hate and self-judgment. I can't breathe. Please make it stop. I can only pray so much and hold on for so long. Get a grip. You're pathetic. Those jabs are hurdled at me for what feels like eternity. Why can't I escape?! Why am i being punished and chained like a criminal to my own thoughts? Darkness is my only comfort. I don't have to feel, see what I've done, what I've become. I am becoming more and more dependent on my solitude. Even so, that's when the loneliness comes knocking. In an obscure was i cannot live without those who hurt me. I almost depend on their venomous words that slip ever so easily out of their minds and off their tongues. It allows me to remember what it's like to feel. I can become numb, blocking out all emotion. I take one shaky leg out of the tub. The other follows. This time I don't bother reaching for my towel. And for the first timeI walked toward and looked straight in the mirror. Not at my face, I couldn't bear to look myself in the eye now, but down at my bloodied thighs and forearms. What have I done? Regret. Another wave of anxiety overcomes my mind and I fall to the floor, crawling to the toilet. Out comes all negativity. INSECURE. ALONE. JADED. One after another these thoughts spew out of me, falling into a heap. I need to get out. I am exhausted. I wander toward my bedroom, suffocating on my own tears, trying to keep hush. No one needs to know. No one can really help. No one can really help. No one can really comfort me. I am alone in this. I fall onto my bed, in the dark. I shove my face into my already makeup stained pillow, which displays his isn't the only occurrence. I lay there sobbing. My body burns. Hot. I can feel my mind drifting. Slowly but surely wandering away from the events which mercilessly kept their grip tight around my mind. 3, 2, 1. Gone. Sleep.

Reviews

[matrixmark]

WOW, this is dark from the off. Very descriptive and amzing imagery from the off. So so sad that many people have these thoughts.A very deep but excellently executed piece of work on such a hard subject.

Really well done.

Mark.