Hollie with an I and an E

A little girl tells her class how she knows what a gun is when her guest speaker asks.

 

 

 

 

       Mrs. Linden clapped her small hands twice and welcomed the silence that came instantaneously.

 

       "Class, We have a very special helper today! His name is Mr. Johnson. Say, hello."

 

       "Hello Mr. Johnson!" was the resulting echo from dozens of tiny voices.

 

       "Mr. Johnson, is here today to teach you how dangerous  guns are.  How many of you know what a gun is?"

 

          "It's a gray thingy that makes people bweed; I seen it in the howa movies." Chirped cheerfully out of the small body that had jumped up to answer the question.

       She had Brown, slightly frizzy, curled hair that went all the way down to her tiny bottom. It was only a shade or two lighter than black and had jumped with her when she answered. Her deep hazel eyes ringed in black, sparkled with the innocent want to be praised for her answer.

     " Excellent, girl! What's your name?" demanded the guest speaker.

      

        " Mista, My name's Hollie; with an I and an E!" squealed the young girl joyfully under all the attention.

   

     " Well kids, Hollie's right but only partly,"

 

She pouted at the correction.

 

     "they do make people bleed on TV, but they also do in real life.; they're dangerous.” he warned the class of four year-olds.

 

     “They's bad?" asked Hollie demurely.

 

     " Yes, Hollie, they can be very, very bad...." Mr. Johnson trailed off.

     

 " Buts! Buts, in the movies, the bloods and the shiny gun was sooooo pretty!" She exclaimed, begging him to understand her.

 

      Her last comment echoed through the silent classroom. It had turn disturbingly quite at her last comment. Mrs. Linden looked absolutely horrified, and so very frightened. Mr. Johnson however was smirking.

       He stared down his long, lean frame at Hollie.

You could see his green eyes glinting out of his widened sockets. They gleamed through his curtain of blond bangs.  They gleamed with such an intensity that it scared the kindergarden class. It scared the class almost as much as Hollie's statement had. 

Reviews

[Mr_M]

Very haunting. Incredible how children pick up on such things. I like that way you have captured that here. The speaker seems like a very dark character, who has quite the back story I am imagining. I got the impression he too found the gun and blood so pretty. Excellent first chapter.

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-G..]

The true innocence of a child and how one's mind works. This is precisely why parents should teach their children the dangers of all things and not just let television teach their children because it's moments in times like this that it proves parents aren't. Reminds me of the story of the six year old boy that brought a gun to school and told one of his classmates, a little girl that he didn't like her before he shot her. Knowing that he knew that a gun could hurt or kill someone he didn't like and thinking that it was okay and knowing where to find one... devastating. Hollie sounds like just a perky child with a great imagination and one that can see beauty in all things, it's just a little haunting hearing her say that she thought a shiny gun was pretty. I look forward to reading more...

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

Im rly glad you liked I look forward to hearing your opinion on the chapters :-)

[H-Jonesy]

Interesting, to say the least. The little girl is very intriguing and,this defiantly makes me want to read more. I caught little to no grammar, other then a capitalization error I think, but then again, I was never the best with grammar. As for your dialogue , simply start a new paragraph for each new speaker.


Content wise, this starts out very abrupt and in your face almost, and I like that personally. I prefer this over the "This is so and so, and he is a sniper, and whats to blah blah blah" I prefer to be thrown into everything. The only thing with that is in the next chapters you must make sure you explain to your audience just whats going on and who is who.
Anyhow, I'll read on :)

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

lol im glad you like blunt cuz im a blunt person my writing rly like represent who I am ya know? Im sure youll find I subtly explain things as I progress. hahaha I hope u enjoy my other chapters :-)

[Shane Blackheart]

Wow, that's a crazy ending to this chapter. I like where this is going, I hope that doesn't sound too weird, haha.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

naw Im glad you like it I love having crzy endings though ill often have ppl thinking something will happen and then do something completely different :-P

[Shane Blackheart]

That's a good way to write, it's what keeps them reading.

[Alexa Tasch]

nice first chapter! I love how you made the little kids talk! Good job!

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

lol thanx so much Alexa!

[KAREN]

Nice beginning, very interesting!

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

I'm glad it grabbed you!!! thanx :-D

[Hester Vane]

Ooo the end was good! Quite errie and sinister, but it made me want to read more. Also, you dont need to indent all of the speech. I found it a bit confusing as to why you had done it. All you need to do is start a new paragraph every time someone speaks. But thats just my personal opinion. Other than that, great job! Im going to read chapter two now! :-)

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

great!!! I'm glad you liked it!! :-D could you email me an example im rly new to this

[Hester Vane]

Yeh of course! Follow this link, its one of my stories, and i think ive done it correctly!
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/JenniferKennett/1027740/

The speech starts about half a page down. The best way to do it is to write your stories on Microsoft word or another word processing programme and paste it in WritersCafe! Hope that helps.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

thanx so much :-D

[chantelle]

His name is mister Johnson. Say, hello." "Hello Mister Johnson!" -> change Mister to Mr.
how dangerous " guns " are. -> there isn't much need for guns to be quoted
Also, there are a lot of instances where you capitalize words that shouldn't be, maybe go back and check for that? Definitely go back and do a bit of proofreading because there are a bit of grammatical errors, mostly during dialogue.

The story would flow better without a dialogue tag every time after someone speaks. ie- "demanded the guest speaker", " He warned the class of four year-olds", etc. Just something to consider.

It's an interesting piece, but the idea is a bit overdone. It's just my opinion, and I don't mean to be rude, but it's something I've read too many times and it's nothing particularly special.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

im just curiouse what do you think the idea is? because something tells me you don't know what this is truly about.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

well if I didnt do dialogue tage what would I do during dialogue?? Just leave it? cause people think thats even harder to read in general......

[chantelle]

I just meant the whole 'little girl fascinated by guns, shocking people around her during class'. I'm sure it becomes more unique in the next chapters, which I CAN see after reading the second chapter.

You don't always have to describe the way they speak, you can make it action or thought or whatever you want, really. I'm just saying, it would do some good for you to mix it up.
I didn't mean to offend you in any way, just giving an honest opinion.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

yeah I just dnt really understand dialogue or stuff. this is honestly my first book. but im sure you can see after reading the second chapter in sure this isnt something you see all that often and later on it will only grow more so

[chantelle]

Okay, well, best of luck in future writing

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

lol thanx hahaha :-D

[Larry Dyson]

hmmm u might consider this as an intro or prologue...really should get in the habit of writing those?..Laury

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

but prologues explain something about the story and this rly doesn't it doesn't really fit with what a prologue has to be. plus I looked it up online and you dn't "have" to have a prologue

[Larry Dyson]

no I just suggested you try them..freedome to express is what writing is all about...you dont have to tell the surprises you have in store due to the first chapters statements..I only suggest...

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

I knows its just personallu i dnt see the need for prologues even when I read books half the time i'll skip them. plus how wud u make this a prologue? i read that prologues and first chapters are basicly the same...

[Larry Dyson]

its mostly for publishing a jacket cover or author contribution for publication, at least thats what I think..I was giving you a compliment in that I believe your works will be published and they will ask you for a short expalnation to your idea?..np

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

oooh thanx then! I didnt mean to cme off offended or anything iv just never rly understood the need for them thats all! You rly think this is that good? I didnt even expect many ppl to like it honestly cuz its my third story iv even written my first book.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very interesting opening chapter. I like the ending. Television make bad things look tempting. I like the way you led the reader to the very strong ending. I wanted to know more. Thank you for the excellent opening chapter.
Coyote

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

no problem coyote! im glad you liked it so much! though keep in mind when reading my work especially in the beginning things are not often what they seem but u'll understand that once you read the secong chapter lol