Cold, Still And Gone

A poem about finding a loved one dead from suicide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Small Lovely

 

Why are you so still?

Why do you bleed red?

Why the blood you spill?

 

"please tell me your not dead!"

 

Sad mistaken water

dry on pale, cold face

 

Solemn pill bottle empty

Your heart... it can not race

 

Your soul so trapped, so broke,

So pretty

Leaves no heartbroken trace

 

No more pure felt goodness

In this hallowed place

 

Reviews

[pageturner67]

Poetry is not my thing, which makes this review even more surprising. If I review a poem it means it broke through my barriers and this one definitely did. First of all, I like that you are tackling a topic that needs to be brought to people's attention.

I like the simplicity , the cleanliness of your writing, it is not cluttered with words just to fill the page, however, the cleanliness does not mean it is bare. Parts that jumped out
-your soul so trapped and broke
no heartbroken trace
sad mistaken water. I'm reading this to be dried tears, which describes the scene without spelling it all out for us. Allowing the reader to fill in the blanks as our mind sees it .

The last line, wraps it up nicely, and leaves us with a sense of finality. Again, you are not telling the reader what exactly it means and we are left to wonder if this speaks to the fact that her death is the loss of future opportunities?

I really enjoyed the emotions and depth this brought out and , as I said, before, we need to talk about suicide and death. Glad you tackled the tough topics.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

Im really happy you could appreciate it! I'm the type of poet that enjoys broaching upon such topics that need to be addressed. The simplicity is just my style I like what I say to be fairly blunt and to the point. However, I don't want to make a poem that everyone will read and relate to identically. So I try to weave many meanings into the verses. It always makes me overjoyed when someone whom isn't always a fan of poetry can appreciate a work of mine. That's what I am for, to be able to appeal to an everyday reader.

[smilempsn]

That was such a sad...tragic...and explained write..
hmm Even thought the topic that which I cannot like.. but I just loved the way you have put down the words....

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

lol thanks :-) my witing is always happy place writing ut I do try to put it together well. I'm glad you like my style :-)

[Megan]

what a sad story, especially through the eyes of the friend who sees their friend dead. As sad as it may be, I do find the message something so very important. When people want to commit suicide, they sometimes think that "no one will miss them". If only they could think forward to that moment in your poem where there will be
"no more pure felt goodness" in the heart of the friend. If only, if only. But thank you for this, poem. I especially find the line "leaves no heartbroken trace" interesting and like the wordplay.

Only one criticism, perhaps. This poem seems a bit stinted (not very flowy) in places. Maybe try to include some more flow between lines. Or perhaps that was your intention for the mood of the piece?

Anyway, thank you for this read :)

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

I was trying to make it very dramaticized . I thought I had a bit of rythme I kep up a certain amount of ryme while avoiding the dr.seusey theme that I rather dislike.. I'm glad you did like it though. Someone needs to adress such things :-)

[Michael Perez]

By the way, awesome picture. (Huge Anime Nerd Presiding) HANP!! :D

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

lol thanz I had to search awhile to find just the right one. I am to A huge anime nerd so I can relate! :-)

[Michael Perez]

Wow. I'm young (15) and that made me come close to tears! Great work! Short poems are often more powerful than long poems. The power in this one out does any other short poems I have read so far...except the rest of your collection :P

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

aww thanx so much!! I'm quiet and shy so I guess when I write I just can't help but feel and want to make others feel to. I'm really happy you like it so much! :-)

[Mariah Corey]

You make it so vivid the way you describe the blood and the paleness in thteir face as well as their spiritual inside. Well done. :D

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

I try to be very descriptive when I write you rly have to be when your poems arent dreadfully long and mine arent; its my stile. Thanx again Im glad you liked it!

[Mariah Corey]

well ur style rocks. Np. :D

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

aww ur such a sweatheart!

[Mariah Corey]

thnx. :D

[Mariah Corey]

just speaking my mind.

[Nicole]

this type of emotion is simply undescribable, but you did a good job. you definately hit on the passion behind it. it's a very tough subject, but you handled it well.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

thank you im glad u can appreciate it :)

[Nicole]

i've had an experince like this before, and while words will never be able to do it justice, you've done a good job.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

I do try

[Tree]

There is some power/emotion behind this poem, a sadness.

Diego

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

Thank you diego!

[Blue Ivory]

Umm by broke did you mean broken? Or out of money broke? Anyway, the poem is beautiful and deep. I like the way you wrote it. It's very expressive!

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

thanx I used broke on purpose because it has more meanings in it than broken and I felt it fit the rythm of the poem better

[Blue Ivory]

yeah that's creative :)

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

Thanx lol

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

plus I didnt want to use broken and heartbroken so close toether ya know?

[Blue Ivory]

ohh yeah I totally get that :P

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

lol I'm glad you see I like it when ppl get my resoning in my poem :-D

[Blue Ivory]

lol

[Lane Craver]

such a sad tale... many of us writers have felt... very good indeed

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

thank you!!!