Red Velvet Tease

Read! It's bout a "girl" that plays with one 2 many men's hearts. She got her game turned on her. One of the guys she played with became an obsessed stalker and wouldn't give her a moment of peace.

 

 

Red velvet tease

 

I chase you

Through my dreams

 

Your voice so soft, so low

Takes away my choice

 

My weakness was my inhibition

 

 

But the lack

Are my golden, gilded chains

 

You whip away my sensibilities

You strip away my will

You hoard my every other

Thought and Prayer

 

The chain links clacked

They were too strong

 

You never guessed

Your siren song

Could go so wrong

 

That your sucuubi ties

Would make crazy

 

Obsession

 

That your practiced, pretty lies

Would result for you

 

A painful, bold lesson

Reviews

[L.Edward]

Whoa. Seductively penned. An encounter with a succubi would be a dire kind of allure indeed. Sends a shiver up the spine.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

lol thank you :) I was going for that kind of subtle alure a kind of seductive danger.

[L.Edward]

Your welcome. And you really went for it alright. Evil temptress to the max. A soul-eater no less. Not the kinda girl you wanna bring home to meet the parents.

[The Nude Writer]

Wow.. so powerful. I am really impressed by your insight :)

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

lol thank you :-) I try

[Coyote Poetry]

"Your siren song
Could go so wrong"
Most times. Siren's lead you to bad places. I like the feel of control and a painful ending. Thank you for the outstanding poetry.
Coyote

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

o problem coyote :-) thank YOU for your lovely review. they always make me smile and im always happy to see people appreciate my work

[Ryan Dulac]

I think you should publish this one in your anthology.

I really liked this part:
"You whip away my sensibilities
You strip away my will
You hoard my every other
Thought and Prayer"

It has a very Trent Reznor feel to it.

The part I dislike is "But the lack." It might be because I don't understand it, but it seems to interrupt the flow.

What might be interesting is making bold bold, heh.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I don't know who Trent Reznor is but I'll look him up. :-) By the lack I refer to the voice mentioned in the earlier stanzas it refers to "when it is gone"="the lack" and then after that line refers to the aftermath of that lack. Not sure if I'll bold bold just because It's so close to my emboldened you and I dont like to have emboldened words so close together

[Ryan Dulac]

Yeah, you would have to sacrifice the you being bold. You may not want to do that. Reznor is the lyricist and singer for Nine Inch Nails. Parts of their song Closer to God the lines I quoted reminded me of. I think he's a great existential lyricist, so take it as a complement.

I struggle with poetry quite a bit. I don't read that genre very often, so I don't have great reading skills for it. However, I was educated on French poetry in college. That is honestly the most I read on poetry. Before that I just read Shakespeare's sonnets for pleasure. However, it all confuses me and I misinterpret it, lol. I discovered my favorite poet in that class though, Baudelaire.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

well personally my teacher told me what free verse was so i said "so I can do what I want?" she said yeah and I said awesome so ever sense then to me a poem us whatever comes out the pther side of my pencil. I really dnt follow any ryme schemes or rules lol

[Rogue]

I really like the way this is constructed. Everything from font to wording and stanzas.
An excellent job! :)

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

Aww Thanx rogue!! I dnt follow any particular rules so I'm always pleasantly suprised when I get compliments on the construction of my poems

[Claudia Stark]

Oh, very clever! Love it!

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

Lol Thanx beth, i do try

[Sherman P. Bastarache]

Now this is a wonderful poem as it is. Excellent job! You should think of entering it in a contest.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

I do enter it in numerous contests fairly often :-)

[Sherman P. Bastarache]

I tweeted it for you and put it on stumbleupon I think it was. Good luck and keep writing.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

Awww Thanx so much that makes me so happy!!

[Eagle Cruagh]

This is a beautiful poem in the
construction and in the content.
We can all learn from this and
we can all enjoy the song of life
liberty and the pursuit of beauty.
Thanks,
---- Eagle Cruagh

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

Thank you eagle!! I'm glad you enjoyed it :-)

[anxia]

Nice!

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

thnx :-)

[Chris]

Some teasings are more "strong" than others as well as intent-full.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

yup! :-)