Rewind

Listen to the song this is based on, "Rewind" by Paolo Nutini, on the green playlist on my profile... It's great.

Every night

since you stepped out the door,

I've been drinking myself to sleep

                    right here on the floor.

 

Except for the occasional walk

to the bar at the end of the block,

                    I've stayed right here and waited

for your apologetic knock...

 

...knock, knock on wood.

                    That's all I can do;

that and pray that something out there

sends you running back, too.

 

                    See, I run back from any place I go

(which aren't many, as I've said),

hoping you'll be waiting here,

naked in our bed.

 

Friends often call concerned,

and every time, I know not to answer the phone,

but I always just know it has to be you,

                   I end every phone call more alone.

 

Whatever I did to you

(I'm too drunk to remember what),

                    I apologize here and now.

It's so stupid, I forgot.

 

I swear on rows and rows of graves,

                    from heart to muscle to bone,

that I'll be a better lover and person

if we could just rewind and you'd come home.

 

                    With eyes as red as mercury,

from the spirits and no sleep,

I looked at old pictures finally seeing,

I may be in too deep.

 

I finally see the clear path ahead

for if you don't come back.

I'll just have to drink till death.

                   How, exactly, would you handle that?

 

Realization surfaces, finally.

I remember, when you left me...

                  Claimed you needed "more".

You're just as pathetic as me.

 

The situation's lose-lose

                    I'm the loser all around.

Sorry if you were looking for revelation...

No answers to be found.

Author's Note

I don't like this piece as it stands alone, but I like it as a tribute. The song is outstanding. Check it out when you have the time!!
KH

Reviews

[Adam Chambers]

Hi! I hear what you're saying above, but I think it could stand alone with some tweeks. Here goes:
1) I think it might work better with different line breaks. What I mean is that the lines are too short.
Here's an example of a possible change:

Picking up pieces of the wreck we lived, dealing
with my stressful life, drinking stronger spirits here on the floor.
Losing ambition.
Going all out.

No sleeping at night, I'm going from bar to bar. Why can't we
just rewind?


By doing this you create a different flow.

by the way, my favorite line was:
We're going nowhere, but let's go there

one last time.

I like this alot.

One other suggestion: maybe trim the length a little bit, particularly the 'going from bar to bar' thing...

Hope this all helps

Sincerely,
Adam
Hey, sorry for my dopey message on 4th of July re. your review. I had a few drinks (well, more than a few) and was feeling, shall we say, esoteric slash depressed slash semi-pschizoid. I do appreciate you passing my work onto some of your friends though! : )

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

With eyes as red as mercury,

from the spirits and no sleep,

I looked at old pictures finally seeing,

I may be in too deep.

Very nice verse.. you did such a good job with the song .. i too think it can stand alone, well done.. very good ..

Chloe
xoxo

[Shapeshifter]

Hey, I actually like this song a lot as it deals with my last relationship. Hits all the right stuff for me. I love how your not giving any revelations away, just freaking venting. Harsh and b-s free. Great stuff. B

[Kitty]

I think this is absolutely AWESOME!!!!! Your rhyming is superb as is the flow. The topic is fantastic too!!!! Sometimes 'rewinding' doesn't always work, huh?

Great write!!!!!

Josie

P.S Good luck in my contest :)

[Kristin Brecoe]

With eyes as read [red]

AND MUCH BETTER =]

[Kristin Brecoe]

hmm. its cool. but i think its too much of the song. like you kept a lot of the same lyrics. maybe just be inspired by the two songs to create something new instead.

its still a nice piece. tells a good strong story with great feelings. im listening to last request right now. and Paolo Nutini, he aint too bad looking either. =]

-kristin