birthday.

I’m not even sure if this is considered a poem, but it means something to me.

January 2, 2024 at 10:40 pm
first loves are terrible. it's been a year since we broke up and since things got bad and i still want to talk to her. i still wait for replies like she still cares, like things didn't change. when something happens good or bad, she’s the first one i want to tell, and i'm terrified. I'm terrified that i'll never get over her. that'll i'll never love and care for someone the same way and im not sure if i want to. everything still reminds me of her. i can still feel the pain physically in my heart but for some reason i crave it. the only thing we gave each other was pain and she’s the only thing i want. i crave her pain but i’m terrified it'll never get better. i just want it to get better. i just want her back. i just want it to go back to how it was before. i want to be a better person, someone that actually deserves her. im fucked up and i fucked everything up and im terrified no one will ever love me and listen to me the way she did. i hate myself more than anything. no ones ever gonna feel like her but shes all i wanna feel, shes the one thing i want to here, she the only one i want to talk to, i just want her again. ive wrote over 100 poems about her, but she doesn’t even know i wrote poetry. she was the closest one to know the real me. i just want to be held by her one more time. i just want her to say i love you one more time where she actually means it. i didn't think she'd actually leave me, but i guess i thought wrong because what did she have to stay for when i didn't give her anything. if i could go back and change things i would in a heartbeat because she truly was my first love. we grew up together and then we grew apart but i just want to grow back into her. i just want to be with her forever and ever.

Author's Note

ignore grammer problems, i didn’t really capitalize anything

Reviews

[Joshua Ramirez]

I can relate to these feelings - I'm not sure how you are, but I experienced this sort of turmoil back when I was 17-18 with someone was my best friend. From friends, best friends, partner, best friends, to stranger is a good example of bonds being both painful and epiphanous. A lot of hurts right now, and I'm not gonna tell you to pretend is all good, it's good you feel that pain cos you're human and you cared about that bond. Over time you will accept the situation and if it helps you to share these thoughts or reach out to others, then I hope you continue to do so buddy.

You say that you would go back in a heartbeat and change things, maybe you can consider what changes you would make that would strengthen your character - those aspects will help you in next bond you happen upon.

Thank you for sharing these thoughts, it really is hard going through all these flurry of emotions alone, one step at a time, one day a time.

[Davidgeo]

I think this is relatable to a lot of people whether they want to admit it or not. The key phrase being "first love", they are the hardest to get over but you have to realize that there is no "one and only", that's a myth and it was never really true. There are a whole bunch of compatible people for you out there that if you just spend some time with them, you will find another "one" eventually.

You're not alone in feeling this way though. Try and see it as a good thing, the more it hurts the more you know it was special. Just because you've lost it doesn't mean it wasn't special or suddenly stops becoming so. Just remember what you did wrong and start again, it'll be better the next time. You'll know what to look for and what not to do.