THE ASTROMATES... Chapter 10...Part 2.

A continuation of my book.

I didn’t care either way, whether the girl would be there or not. All I needed right now was to be away from this grotty office, smog-laden with the haze of cigar smoke.
"Oh, she’ll turn up alright." said Alex enthusiastically. "She’s not a shy Missy, one to miss a night of giggles. As I mentioned, she’ll be too curious not to turn up."
"Wait till she opens up this parcel." I said, clutching at my crotch.
Not a flicker of mirth from the humpy old sod. Still, if I lived in this grotty grotto, I wouldn’t have much to smile about neither.
"Anything else I should know before I go, Alex?"
Alex shrugged before commenting… "It has been suggested the Sagittarian lady can tend to put on a bit of weight around the hips and bum but, then again, most women tend to as they mature. It’s all the sitting they do, spreads them out you see."
Now me, I’m your ‘Tits and Bum’ man. Women can have hips as wide as you like, childbearing I’ve heard them called. There’s nothing better than a warm lady’s bottom sitting on my lap.
"Righto, Alex. I’m about to be off." I said, rising. "Tell me her name etc etc."
The folder was drawn out from its hiding place and put down before me.
"Help yourself." said Alex.
I opened the folder, withdrawing the pages.
"Helen James." I read. "Twenty-nine and separated."
The other pages contained trivia.
"That’s not a lot to go on." I remarked, shuffling through the file.
"That’s all you need to know." said Alex, taking the papers away from me.
"So where’s the meet then?" I asked.
"Do you know where the fair is being held in Blackheath?"
"Of course I do." I replied.
"Well that’s where your date is going to meet you on Sunday evening." said Alex.
"That’s handy, Alex. So how am I supposed to spot this woman? It’s a big old site, you know."
"According to Helen, when I spoke to her on the phone, she will meet you by the Dart Stall at eight o’clock. I told her you would be wearing a brown suit, (The only one I had.) and a red tie."
"I don’t happen to own a red tie, Alex, only a black one, for weddings and funerals. You’ll have to give me the cash to buy one seeing as you’ve dressed me up in this fashion."
Alex frowned… I’d mentioned money!
"There’s a charity shop just down the street. Pop in and see if they’ve got anything decent for a few pennies." prompted Alex after a few moments thought.
"Sod off, Alex, I’d sooner buy my own!" I retorted before walking out, giving the office door a shuddering slam as I left.

Helen was late but, because Alex had warned me about the Sagittarian sense of time, (They having none!); I wasted time by watching the crowd as they moved from one stall to another. Barkers cried out, coaxing people to try the Hoopla and Coconut Shy. There was a Rifle-Range, Dodgem Cars and Whirly things which went high into the air, causing frightened punters to scream out over the top of the fairground music. I hung around the Dart Stall, even trying my luck but without success. One had to throw three darts at playing cards pinned to a board. To my mind, the cards had been trimmed down to the thinnest cards I’ve ever seen. Of all those who tried, I’d yet to see anyone win a prize… Bloody swizzle!
"Whatcha!"
I turned to see a young woman, cheekily grinning, cheekily dressed in a track-suit and trainers, topped off with a baseball cap. In her hands were clasped a pair of thick chain leads which lead down to a pair of mean-looking Great-Danes. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not against dogs but I like the small, harmless-looking beasts, Chihuahuas and Yorkies, dogs you could get your boot into. Big fierce-looking brutes certainly didn’t get my vote!
"Whatcha!" the cheeky voice cried out again and, seeing my look of consternation at the saliva-dripping brutes which had begun to sniff around my trousers, said… "Love me, love my dogs."
Though Helen was dressed rather boyishly, she had a nice face, dimpled and youthful. Yes, I thought, I could fancy making love to you but there’s no way I would share my bed with that pair of shaggy monsters. One of them collapsed itself down on the grass while the other, seeming to take a sudden liking for me, reared up, two paws on my shoulders, licking my face with a dripping wetness.
"Get down, you bad boy." shouted Helen, giving the lead a whip-like crack before dragging the rearing beast down from my body, leaving, in its wake, great long muddy tracks down my suit and a torn top pocket.
"Sorry about that." said the grinning youthful lass.
She ordered the dog to lie down and, thankfully, it did, its eyes watching me with doggy affection.
"That one is called Butch." she said, indicating the dog which liked me. "And the other one is called Stretch, because he likes to stretch out all the time."
"I’m Richard." I said, introducing myself. "You have to be Helen, right?"
I must say, she was rather a strange girl. I mean, who introduces their dogs before themselves.
"Hiya, Richard." she said, giving me a serious look. "You look a bit old. I was expecting a younger bloke."
I tried to remember if Alex had warned me about the Sagittarian bluntness. Mind you, he did say they are capable of putting their foot in their mouth from time to time. Perhaps Helen’s bluntness was just Sagittarian honesty, being honest without realising she was being downright bloody rude.
"My God, you’re right! I am a wrinkly. Crikey, I’m nearly forty." I cried out as if suddenly made aware of my Zimmer-Frame state. "Then again," I continued, "I thought my date was going to be a female." (Two could play at that game!)
Helen grinned, cheeky as ever.
"Bleeding sauce-box!" she exclaimed, giving me a thump on the back.
Her movement caused both dogs to suddenly sit upright, eyeing me with wicked intent.
"Hold these while I have a pop at the darts."
Helen suddenly thrust both leads into my hands before demanding darts from the stallholder. In one mind, both animals clambered up with their paws, raking me with long licking tongues. Trying to control them, I let loose with a strangled cry as the hounds of the Baskervilles swamped me with tail-wagging ardour.
"I’ve won!" I heard Helen shout as I fought valiantly to keep my feet.
Helen collected her prize, a gaily-painted Piggy-bank, which she handed to me, while I, in happy exchange, handed back the leads. Helen laughed a lot as we strolled round the fairground. I desperately hoped she would not try her hand at any more games whereby I would be, again, left in charge of the hounds. Luckily, she was more into food, as were her dogs, eating candy-floss and hamburgers with all the trimmings, she nibbling, the dogs wolfing it down. She talked about her life with careless abandonment, seeming to spend a part of her time at college where she was studying philosophy and ancient history. This information amused me, a young woman with a right Cockney accent taking a course in such profound subjects.
"What happens to your dogs while you’re away?" I asked.
"Oh, they’re not mine," she said with a giggle, "I’m only taking them for a walk."
Thank God, my heart said, rising from its depressed state.
"They’re my cousin’s animals. She’s got three cats and a cockatoo as well."
The more we talked, the more I had this feeling we were never going to be a match made in heaven. I really could not see me getting anywhere and I got the definite sense that Helen had little time for me, especially after considering me ancient.
"You know, Helen," I ventured, "I can’t see us as having much of a future together. You’re far too young for me and I’m too over the hill for you."
"Me? You? Date?" Helen screamed with laughter between each word, her merriment setting the dogs off as they both reared up on me.
Dragging them down amid chuckles, Helen declared… "I’m not your date, mate, you silly old sod!"
"What? I don’t understand." I said, moving out of reach of the mountainous heaps which were determined to have the legs from my trousers.
"Diana, my cousin, she’s your date. I only came here to get you to meet her."
I stood still, scratching my head and forgetting the dogs who were satisfied with my shoelaces.
"I’m not understanding any of this." I said. "Perhaps you’d better start from the beginning."
"Well, it was for a giggle. I mean, I do things for a giggle. What actually happened was… Well, my cousin aint had a date in ages. She’s a bit strange, not weird like but she’s into older blokes, she’s an oddball. Anyway, I see the advert for Astromate and suggest she phones up for a date, just for a giggle. She won’, so I does."
By this time the dogs have given the suit, shirt and tie a good going over but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t wait to hear the rest of the story. In a strange way I was quite happy with the situation, simply because it was going to upset Alex’s apple-cart.
"So how old is your cousin?" I asked.
"Twenty-two. But its okay, I told you, she likes old geezers."
"So she’s not a Sagittarian, then?"
"Course she is, you ninny. Only a Sagittarian would have a bleeding zoo in their house. Me? I’m not anything, only the messenger, just come to take you back with me to meet Diana."
"Hang on a bit." I said. "What about Diana’s parents? I’m sure they’re going to be delighted to have me visit their home."
"No worries there, mate. Dotty Aunt Polly overdid it with the sleeping tablets last week… Oh, she’s alright." continued Helen, seeing my look of concern. "Uncle Toby has taken her away for a couple of weeks for recuperation, so there’s no adults in the house till you get there."
It all made my head ring but I thanked the Good Lord Helen was not to be my Child-Bride, her incessant chatter was already driving me insane. I wanted to get away, off home. The only thing which kept me rooted was the thought that somewhere, not a million miles away, lived a young lady of tender age, one who liked old geezers and had not had a date in yonks.
"Is your cousin game?" I asked, deciding to be as blunt as she was. It was win or bust.
"Is the night dark?" came back the reply. "Is she game? I’m not saying, mate. It’s up to you to come along and find out."