Sands of Life

I wrote this for Selene's contest. It was quite a challenge for me.

The sands of life spiral down the hollow drain

Leaving the smell of mildew on the tongue

Crippling sorrow’s pirouettes have begun

Resonating with dexterous despair

With an alluring figure it does ensnare

 

As intoxicating rain penetrates the soul

Tossing tornadic teardrops toward the sky

Leaving the guilty with a solid alibi

A rose petal heart splinters into sawdust

Circumstantial evidence becomes a trust

 

The vapors of change consume the fragile mind

Drowning it in an ocean of broken glass

The lingering Love implodes with tear gas

As violent thoughts create moments of doubt

Through a tangled labyrinth the only way out

 

Motionless in a viney intertwist of thoughts

Time breathes at a decelerating pace

Passion absent of pleasure, a complete disgrace

Possessed by once vivid shimmering rose

Out the window with the breathless night it goes.

Reviews

[Kerry O'Connor]

I think it was an interesting choice to go with a strict rhyme scheme for a poem about synesthesia, which is easier to understand in the abstract. I thought your choice of rhyming pairs was very good, and at no time did they over-power your stanza or distract the reader from the theme. I'm sure this condition can be painful at times, especially if it is misunderstood, and I get that sense from your words:

The vapors of change consume the fragile mind
Drowning it in an ocean of broken glass
The lingering Love implodes with tear gas
As violent thoughts create moments of doubt
Through a tangled labyrinth the only way out...

An altogether different angle on the prompt.

[The Analog Kid]

You are really stretching out here to something different. A couple of borderline forced rhymes but you more than make up for it with in complexity and descriptive language.

[NoneOfYourBusiness akaK..]

you tackle the aspect of emotional haunt through a synesthete's experiences with vivid and deeply affecting detail~ your construction~ though paired with rhyme clips~ is done in a unique rhythmic pattern that actually enhances the synesthetic formations throughout your poem~ bravo!
thank you for stepping outside your comfort zone and taking the time to both understand the world from a synesthete's pov and also for your entry into the contest~ =)~

[Time.]

I would never try to compare our writing unless I was totally sure, but I do see that were both rhymers to an extent, I believe I may overuse my rhyming a bit. How ever I love your writing, it has a feel to it that takes me to the actual place. So I suppose in other words, I loved this piece.

[Jeremy Baker]

Beautiful, brilliant writing. I loved the imagery, the descriptive language and the melodic phrasing. Fantastic!

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Here today gone tomorrow, that is the way of the world... going with the flow is the best way to keepyour sanity. Very well done young lady.

[KimLove "The Beautiful ..]

Thhis is a very twisting tale, I love the way you have pieced it all together. I wish I have better words to describe it. But it is a most intring write.

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing poem. The words were strong and I like the many strong statements.
"Tossing tornadic teardrops toward the sky
Leaving the guilty with a solid alibi "
Thank you for the outstanding poem.
Coyote

[The Perfectionist]

Well this is back to your usual standard. I don't know what it is, but your rhymes always feel forced to me. Almost invariably. It's weird.

...Okay, that holds true for the first two. Second two are fine.

I'm not really seeing the synethesia here, but then again, what do I know about poetry. You use big words perhaps more often than is necessary, but that is, as always, a poet's perogative.

I don't know. In short, I didn't love it but I didn't hate it. It's well written and sounds nice to the ear (forced rhymes notwithstanding) but it's nothing groundbreaking.

I will say, in your favour, if this is something outside your comfort zone, it doesn't show.

[Robin]

nice rhyme and how you morph the rose through this spiral of emotion