Sands of Life

I wrote this for Selene's contest. It was quite a challenge for me.

The sands of life spiral down the hollow drain

Leaving the smell of mildew on the tongue

Crippling sorrow’s pirouettes have begun

Resonating with dexterous despair

With an alluring figure it does ensnare

 

As intoxicating rain penetrates the soul

Tossing tornadic teardrops toward the sky

Leaving the guilty with a solid alibi

A rose petal heart splinters into sawdust

Circumstantial evidence becomes a trust

 

The vapors of change consume the fragile mind

Drowning it in an ocean of broken glass

The lingering Love implodes with tear gas

As violent thoughts create moments of doubt

Through a tangled labyrinth the only way out

 

Motionless in a viney intertwist of thoughts

Time breathes at a decelerating pace

Passion absent of pleasure, a complete disgrace

Possessed by once vivid shimmering rose

Out the window with the breathless night it goes.

Reviews

[Kerry O'Connor]

I think it was an interesting choice to go with a strict rhyme scheme for a poem about synesthesia, which is easier to understand in the abstract. I thought your choice of rhyming pairs was very good, and at no time did they over-power your stanza or distract the reader from the theme. I'm sure this condition can be painful at times, especially if it is misunderstood, and I get that sense from your words:

The vapors of change consume the fragile mind
Drowning it in an ocean of broken glass
The lingering Love implodes with tear gas
As violent thoughts create moments of doubt
Through a tangled labyrinth the only way out...

An altogether different angle on the prompt.

[Crowley]

Soooooo...glad to see you participate in this contest...got to get you out more often, this was wonderful and very different from some of the others. The rhyming worked where I wasn't sure if it would. I think you did justice to the contest for sure...Nice job.

[Larry Dyson]

very nice"A rose petal heart splinters into sawdust"

[OT]

oooo very nice - I love "tornadic teardrops" - and this - "Drowning it in an ocean of broken glass" - your images are so strong and crisp here - I felt myself fall into it - and really like the rhyme - like Kerry it's an interesting choice - to contrast the synesthesia which is more surreal anyways - very clever - I like how you approached it a lot!! well done! enjoyed!

[Karli]

soooo beautiful.

[Ladysue]

a very strong voice with good imagery and flow...love the title too...a powerful pen...well done..

[Grace Catherine C.]

Lovely

[Sam Severn]

A thought-provoking read! Verse 3 is my favorite! Especially: "The lingering Love implodes with gear gas". FANTASTIC STUFF!! ㋡

[Ruth]

SO rich in imagery love and powerfully thought out...this is powerful work, love it xx

[Lily Mae]

I love this..you captured my attention and kept it all the way through.. perfect..x

[L]

strong imagery and the rhyme-scheme works to underscore your theme effectively. 'Viney intertwist of thoughts' nicely original